A Powerful Tool for Finding Your True Identity

If you know me, you’re probably aware of how much I love the Enneagram. Thirteen years ago, I discovered this incredible resource and have passionately been going deeper into its wisdom: reading, studying, and applying it in my own life as well as in our therapeutic journey.

So, what is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is more than a personality test, it’s more than a spiritual tool, and it’s more than a book. It’s an ancient, holistic personality and character typing system used to deepen self-awareness and understanding. It’s a powerful tool for revealing your true identity.

Unlike most modern personality tests and online indicators, the Enneagram goes much deeper than behavioral tendencies, strengths, weaknesses, and preferences. It gives us the why behind how we think, feel, and act as it explores the motivations and nuances that inform our life experiences.

For me, the Enneagram has been a patient and wise companion gently revealing layers of insight into the truest, most essential parts of who I am as well as those I love. It has given me invaluable insight into relationships and has explained the driving forces for why we do the things we do, both good and bad.

I firmly believe knowing who we truly are and likewise who we are not, is a massive step towards personal freedom. If you are into this, yet perhaps feel overwhelmed by the sound of it, you’re in the right place. I’d love to partner with you on that journey, to dive deeper into this beautiful tool called the Enneagram, as well as provide you with additional resources to help you unlock your highest, most authentic self.

Connect with me here and let’s get started.

Have a wonderful week!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

Feeling Stuck? I've got an idea...

Do you ever get frustrated because you’ve got a desired outcome in mind and can’t for the life of you make progress towards it?  

If your answer is a resounding “Yes!”  you are not alone, my Dear.

I struggle with this scenario far too often, so much so that it lands me in a cycle of self-doubt, discouragement, and often…shame.  

“If I were better or more disciplined, this wouldn’t be an issue.  If I were more like (insert the name of one of my rockstar friends currently crushing it) I’d be just fine.

Oh, man. Well, perhaps.  

But if that were the case and we were someone different, we may risk the biggest catastrophe of them all— If you were just like everyone else out there “crushing it,” you’d be living their dream, not your own.

In order to experience your desired outcome, a laser-sharp focus must pave the way.  If this sounds obvious, stay with me.  

By the Grace of God Almighty and some act of Congress, I’ve managed to get to this point in my life feeling highly ADD while pursuing a whole lot of strewn out interests.  I’ve always managed to have about ten pots stirring.  Quite honestly, I’ve been proud of it.  

Guess what? Year after year I end up in the same place, in that cycle we talked about earlier.  It’s not necessarily a bad place, just one that is a pale shade of the florid landscape I long for.  This is not me beating up on myself, this is me being entirely too scattered.    

My husband often (lovingly) calls me “a walking contradiction.”  He remarks, “You’ve got all these great ideas and beliefs in your head and somehow manage to fill your time up with, hmm, I’m not quite sure?”  I laugh out loud.

If you’ve ever felt like a walking contradiction, I’ve got some good news: setting intentions and applying a bit more focus might just change up your game, and at least, get you out of your own way.

As my motivational crush, Tony Robbins says, “Where focus goes, energy flows.”  

So if you and I are expending a certain amount of energy split four ways into different projects, guess what? The level of focus applied to each one will be pretty tepid, if not weak.  

Let’s do it differently:

1) Step back and decide which project or desire burns the brightest. What would most benefit you and those around you NOW?

2) Once you’ve identified that, it’s time to let the pressure and energy up from the other, less pressing ones, and move into some concentrated focus on just the one.

3) What are your intentions for this dream or desire?  

What do you want to create and why?  Setting intentions every day in a specific direction is clutch because it starts the flow of energy and focus into powerful motion.  Stop to set an intention as often as you need or whenever you feel yourself feeding distraction. (i.e. “Today, I am building out the bones of my book proposal.  Write it down or speak it out loud.)

4) Visualize your desired outcome, often.  

Professional athletes do this; performers do it too.  Visualization is powerful because your brain doesn’t know the difference between these mental scenarios and reality.  As a result, brain pathways are created in favor of your desired outcome, making it more likely to recreate in real life.  Mic drop.  I know….

I really want to hear how all this sits with you.  What do you long to achieve?  Does letting go of other projects or goals in order to do so feel irresponsible?  Or weak?  I get it. 

I promise though; there will be time for other desires to take shape and the momentum you create as you arrive at your first desired outcome will likely carry you into a favorable pace for the next one on your list.  

As always, I’m here if you need a little extra nudge.  Bringing a guide on board - creating a team - is just another way of building out even more intention and focus.  

This stuff lights me up…you know where to find me.  :)

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

Listen...Your Life Wants to Speak

I'm a big advocate for the sacred process of finding your voice—and courageously learning to use it.

In my experience, slowly crossing the threshold of confidence into the land of self-compassion and acceptance gave me newfound freedom and excitement to be heard and seen.

But I quickly learned that in order to truly find your voice and speak from that sacred heart space, you must first learn to listen really closely and often.

I love what Parker Palmer says in one of my all-time favorite books on finding your calling, Let Your Life Speak (a must-read you haven’t already…super short too.)

He says, "Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am."

Sounds esoteric, right?  It’s actually not that complicated.

To become comfortable with our own voice, we must learn to accept our "true self" with all its limits and potential. We must allow ourselves to get still and present. We must lean into the unknown.

We must…listen.

Just as a flower grows and blooms from a tiny seed, you and I have everything we need to thrive locked safely inside us. Sure, we may need to nurture that part of us with inspiration and encouragement, but I assure you, it’s all in there.

That’s right, you get to create the life you love.

What happens so often though, is that we get lazy, want to be told what to do, and as a result, autopilot through life. No wonder we wake up mid-thirties or forties with a serious purpose deficiency and a bad back in search of a pill or a promise that will make us feel alive again.  

We’ve not been listening. We’ve been busy, hustling, fitting in.

So we’ve got a spectrum here. You may have recently unlocked this stunning, shiny voice of yours and you really like using it. The test drive is intoxicating. Or, you may be completely shut down, confusing everyone else’s demands and desires with your own. You’re exhausted and maybe even a bit resentful.  

Either way, the next best step is to slow down, take several very deep breaths, and simply listen. Feel your feet on the floor and your spine growing up from your seat. Notice the sensations inside your body; they’re talking alright. Give the tension a little time-out; you can pick her up in just a minute.

This is your true self. This is the space free of ego. This is where, with some practice, your life will speak to you in profound and sweet ways.

You have a voice. Guard the voice that is yours, listen to it, know it, and let it be known. It matters.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

Happiness is a Verb

Let’s stop beating around the bush here. Why do most of us consume self-development or motivational content?  I believe it’s because we all want to live our best life…successful, joyful, happy.

However, I think we often confuse success with happiness.  It sneaks in so quietly, so subtly, I’m guilty of it as well.  Today, I want to revisit this boulder of a dream I believe we all carry with us, albeit under the radar.  I want to get back to the basics, discussing what it means to live with intention and create happiness in our lives instead of expecting it to show up at our doorstep every morning, complete with a piping hot coffee and our favorite almond croissant (sans the calories, of course.)

Happiness is, indeed, an inside job.  

The two things I tend to hear when I listen to others talk about what they want, both in and outside of therapy, is more peace of mind, security, and belonging.  Often, this comes in the way of more money, more love, and less body mass.  I get it!  Typically, we confuse successful people who are wealthy, popular, and thin, with truly happy people.  

Don’t get me wrong: money, community, and physical health are three big factors in contributing to overall well-being.  However, these successful outcomes are never sustainable as it relates to daily happiness.  

Success simply means achieving a desired outcome.  

Happiness refers to a state of well-being and contentment.  

They have two totally different meanings, yet we buy into a currency of contentment that makes them virtually interchangeable.  

Two of my favorite books exploring the science of happiness are Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. Both are worth the read.  

For your time-sensitive enjoyment, however, I’ve boiled it down and come up with three regular activities that propel happiness: this feeling of well-being and contentment. 

(Yes, they all start with “G” to keep it simple!)

Gratitude
I’ve never met someone miserable who consistently practiced gratitude.  In fact, it is nearly impossible to be a curmudgeon and also be grateful.  Try it.  In my experience, gratitude is the single most powerful and accessible weapon to combat resentment, anxiety, and self-pity.  I believe practicing gratitude alone for even just one day can set a completely new mindset into motion.  

Try it on for size: every time you sit down for a meal, think to yourself or say out loud three things you are grateful for.  I KNOW you can find simple things that will shift your perspective away from the weight of what’s bringing you down.

Generosity
Before you get all huffy and assume I’m asking you to pull out the checkbook, think again.  While financial giving is one way to be generous, there are so many other ways to practice this happiness magnet.  

The world gets really small when we’re only thinking about our well-being.  While self-care and discovery are a requirement for optimal experience, the act of giving actually enhances this well-being in a massive way.  They go hand in hand.

Writing a thank-you note, dropping off a meal to a friend in need, sending a simple encouraging text, or buying the guy behind you a coffee unexpectedly at Starbucks are all beautiful ways of practicing generosity.    

Grounding in The Present
This is a biggie.  I’m not just talking about transcendental meditation, either.  I like to think of practicing grounding as anything that helps you fully engage in the moment at hand, which is the only sure thing we have.  People are most unhappy when they binge on toxic thoughts that have no tangible trace of truth.  It takes us out of our power and places us in a projected state of anxiety.  

Letting go of this thought-obsessed existence by practicing grounding is everything.  Think passion here!  I am always at my best when I’m pursuing my passion because I’m fully engaged in something that brings me meaning, purpose, and joy.  

What lights you up? Even just committing fifteen minutes each day writing, playing guitar, practicing yoga, networking with others in your tribe, or going for a run outside will jumpstart a feeling of connectedness and grounding.  

Do these seem impossibly simple?  If so, that is intentional because oftentimes the hardest things to put into practice are the things that seem basic or obvious.  Your challenge this week is to do just that, get back to basics by practicing these three happiness boosters every day for the next week (or more!)

We are Ph.D.’s at overcomplicating life.  Let’s get emotionally fit this week through gratitude, generosity, and staying grounded in the present.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

The Art of Practicing Joy

After a decade of working as a therapist and holding space for the brave, beautiful stories I encounter along the way, I’ve had a curious finding.  Not one of these stories is identical, yet there is a familiar melody that builds if you back up and listen from a distance.  It’s like sitting on the back porch after a long day in the sweaty palm of summer as the crickets and katydids show off their grand cacophony against the stillness at dusk.  No song is in perfect harmony, yet the dissonance makes perfect sense.  

I’ve found this common theme checks out despite age, race, gender, or religion.  Ready for this?  Here it is: 

Humans are terrified of Joy.  

Beyond anger, sadness, grief, shame—you name it—we are far more resistant to feel joy than other emotions.  

In fact, in a 2013 paper published in the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, a study shows that people with depression often steer away from activities that could bring about feelings of happiness and people with a tendency toward perfectionism may fear feeling happy because they’ve associated happiness with laziness or unproductive activities. 

Why is this?  

I call it “the other shoe syndrome.”  If we bask in moments of joy, small though they may be, eventually, the other shoe will drop, leaving us disappointed, or perhaps irresponsible, or even worse...empty.  We’re so afraid of the let down that we settle for scarcity and self-protect.  

Brené Brown says it best, “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.  As a result, we dress-rehearse tragedy and beat it (vulnerability) to the punch.” 

In other words, joy is too risky.  Something terrible might happen on the other side so we opt out altogether and dumb down desire.  After all, if we run tactics on the worst-case scenario, we have nothing to lose.  

Not so fast, Cowboy.  You simply can’t opt-out of vulnerability.  You’re not like the rest.  You want more.  Hell, you’re taking precious minutes of your day you’ll never get back to read a blog post about self-awareness and development.  Chances are, you’re also a little weird.  I sure hope so.

To walk around on the planet with a heartbeat and a dream we must practice vulnerability.  Expansion requires it.  But we must start with small steps and learn to rewire our brains if we wish to soften into joy.

How do we practice?  I’m convinced it’s a three-fold process.  

When Joy flashes her tooth-y grin in your direction, don't quickly look the other way—get curious.  Flirt with her, even if she’s there for just a minute. 

Then what? 

Pivot to gratitude.  Research shows the most joyful people in the world are also the most grateful.  This blows far beyond circumstance.  It’s a result of practice.  When we pivot to gratitude instead of scarcity, we build up new accessory muscles we didn’t know existed.  This, in turn, becomes habit over time.  

I like F. Scott Fitzgerald’s words, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 

In that practice of gratitude for this joyful moment—breathe it in—stay with it.  Brain science tells us it takes three deep breaths or eleven seconds to form a new neuropathway in your brain.  By basking in these joyful moments, you are literally rewiring your brain to make you a more wholehearted, receptive person. 

By the way, this post is really for me.  They all are.  We write what we know because we’ve had to learn it.  I’m guilty of constantly chasing the extraordinary.  In this chase, I miss out on the tiny, ordinary moments bursting with joy: the quiet flurry of snow, the faint song being played on the piano in the other room, a perfectly poured latte, my niece’s delicious laugh, a text from a friend “just saying hi.” These simple sightings of joy are oxygen for the soul.   

This joy, this “sharp and wonderful stab of longing” as Lewis describes, is bittersweet.  It’s the good and the bad, the black and the white.  It’s toggling the both-and.  This season, I’m committed to that creative tension.  I’m committed to practicing those tiny, two-degree shifts that bolster desire.  I don’t want to go it alone though. 

Will you join me?

Love & Gratitude,

Katie