How to Grieve What Used to Be

How do you grieve?

Let’s back up. What do you know about grief? How is it different from sadness or depression?

We know they are look-a-likes. Both involve intense sadness and even despair. Grief, however, is the normal and appropriate response to a great loss, often the death of a loved one. Whereas grief and depression share several characteristics such as heightened emotions, fatigue, appetite disturbances, loss of pleasure, and inability to enjoy things, they are not the same. A big contrast is depression is usually marked by a tendency to isolate from others with little or no experience of pleasure.

The grieving person usually stays connected to others through the process and hopefully experiences pockets of joy or pleasure along the way. Something I learned from the grief guru himself, David Kessler, is that grief must be witnessed—loved one(s) hopefully walk alongside and see this pain integrating into our lives so we can process it better.

There’s also this thing called anticipatory grief: deep sadness for what will be lost. The fact that life will never fully go back to the way things were is what that tastes like. Just as air travel did after 9/11, this virus will mark history in an unprecedented way.

You may know there are five main stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. So here’s how those stages pertain to the pandemic that’s coursing through the unwilling veins of our world:

• Denial: This won’t affect me.

• Anger: I’m so pissed we didn’t act faster as a nation. And I hate staying at home all the time without work and independence!

• Bargaining: If we wear a mask and keep our distance, this will all be over, yes?

• Sadness: I feel helpless because there’s no real endpoint.

• Acceptance: This is really happening and I can do my part to help out.

Grief is complex and not linear. For all you type A’s out there, beware of trying to grieve neatly. It won’t happen. It’s messy, cyclical, and much like whac-a-mole.

One day we can be fairly poised, the next mad as hell, and the next denying anything’s actually happening because the weather’s finally warm and sunny.

As you can imagine, the real power lies in the acceptance piece. When we are able to simply allow what’s coming up emotionally and let it move through us, we can access acceptance more quickly. After all, the word “emotion” is mostly comprised of the word “motion.” That said, we must allow emotions to come up and move through us as they are created in our bodies. If we don’t do this, we create bigger problems down the road.

So how do we grieve what used to be? The lovely life you’d grown accustomed to? The lifestyle and rituals you carved out over the years? How do you make sense of this new normal?

By assigning meaning to it.

We must appropriate purpose to our grief. Eventually, we must be the hero in our grief story as opposed to the victim.

David Kessler actually built out the grief process to include meaning as the sixth stage. How powerful is that?

Let your grief work for you and create deeper, richer meaning in your life right now. Your shock is appropriate, your tears are precious, your anger—valid. We are all on this spiritual journey together as we are becoming more real through our pain.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Need a safe space to process and grieve? I’d love to have you join my Online Support Group called Bloom. Click here for more info.

Pick Two Things: How to Avoid Self-Sabotage

If history ever presented us with the opportunity to do some serious personal inventory, it is surely now. In fact, you may find yourself with quite a bit more time on your hands sans the limitless distractions of the normal hustle and bustle of life and work. (That is…unless you have kids at home!!!)

Personally, I don’t think this is a space in time to “hunker down” as we anxiously await the return to business as usual. Sure, I miss hugs and coffee shops and frivolous errand running just as much as you. However, I believe we can learn some invaluable lessons from this time if we let it teach us what it wants. Also, I’m not so sure returning to “normal” is where we are headed…I think it’s somewhere much better. It will hopefully include more intention and less trance, more gratitude and less impatience, more “we” and less “I.”

The invitation we are being presented with is quite simple: to wake up. Isn’t that what any crisis does? Nudge…or jerk us awake?

Well, I’m pretty sure Miss Corona has our full attention.

Now what?

Helplessness is incredibly hard to stomach. I want to help and yet I don’t feel like my help makes a dent. Even in my best effort, there is so much out of my control. That is…if we are looking “out there.”

One of the most loving and powerful things you and I can do to help shift this global health and economic crisis is to tend to our own garden. By this I mean, nurture, grow, and prune our lives in a way that adds to a greater, more beautiful collective human consciousness. In essence, if you take good care of you, practicing that which you want to grow and cutting back that which you want to weed out, you’re making a huge difference.

Why does this matter when so many are losing their jobs, fighting to put food on the table, on the frontlines of hospitals, and suffering crippling anxiety about the future?

It matters because what we believe about our situation has the power to shift everything. If this sounds esoteric and intangible, it’s not. A belief is just a thought you keep thinking, over and over again. We can practice our thoughts just like we can practice piano. A practice helps us improve anything over time.

It’s dig deep time right now, friend. As tempting as it is to numb out right now with food, wine, Netflix—you name it, (no shame!!!) we must balance our response to this history-making invitation. The invitation is to respond, not react. Sure, we can have fun in the process, too. It’s more about honoring our future selves—the beings we’re becoming.

How do we do this? NOT by reacting extremely, taking on every hobby, self-help book, and at-home exercise regime on the market.

We do this by believing what we want to create more of in our life and community. Belief has the power to shape your perception and change your reality.

What will you believe about yourself and this time right now? What thoughts will propel those beliefs? Are they thoughts that tend to your soul’s garden? Do they promote hope and possibility? Don’t worry about all of them…

Just pick two—two thoughts that will directly impact and grow the beliefs you want to have for yourself and your life right now. Practice thinking those thoughts, over and over, especially when fear floods in. It’s okay if they feel weird. Your brain probably isn’t used to them.

Here are my two thoughts. You can use them for now if you’re needing some inspiration:

1) I am fully supported by God, or Higher Power.

2) I am totally in control of what I want to create in my life.

3) (BONUS) I choose to create more love towards myself and those who are in need.

On that note, sending you a massive virtual hug right now.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Join me and best-selling author Ally Fallon Wednesday at 2pm as we go live on IG and discuss the writing process, Enneagram 4’s, and self-care!

How to Cultivate Self-Compassion in Crisis

You may have noticed your inbox building to new levels lately.  The gist of each message? Anxiety and how to feel less of it during these challenging Covid-19 times.  Don’t get me wrong:  many of said emails are very helpful.   However, I believe we are missing a big point if we fail to understand this:  anxiety and fear are there for a reason.  They are not invasive emotions haphazardly trying to wreak havoc on your otherwise lovely life. 

Human beings are wired for survival.  The most primal part of us is our instinct—this animal-esque tendency to do one thing and do it efficiently: procure dinner. 

You know what has aided this process for all of history?  A fear response you know all too well: fight or flight (or freeze.)  When our survival is threatened, this response kicks in to let us know we need to either run like hell or go into combat (or blend in with the trees).

That said, fear is very much our friend when we learn to work with and not against it.  I’ve heard it said the impaired version of fear is anxiety. It’s the fear of a fear.  So not nearly as helpful.   In fact, it’s downright ephemeral…and paralyzing!  However, I believe still helpful because it helps us identify what’s lying underneath—a fear that wants to somehow keep us safe.

Why is this helpful to you right now?  Because how you move through this time will be defined by how you feel about it.  Feelings dictate behavior.  You know what dictates feelings? Yep…those often-pesky thoughts. 

All the well-meaning people sending you emails about how to reduce anxiety have important things to say.  I believe if we could dial back anxiety levels even by five percent, we’d be able to open ourselves up to a lot more opportunities these days. 

However, if we think our fear and anxiety are something bad that needs to be fixed, we will only prolong feeling them.  Remember? Our thoughts create our emotions.  We’ll become anxious about being anxious and the hamster wheel keeps spinning! Eek!

This is why self-compassion, or the practice of being kind to yourself, is a far better approach.  

It takes away all the pressure to fix you and your unruly emotions.  Feeling bad about our stuck sense of anxiety during these unprecedented times is a crapshoot and will not bring about the change we are looking to experience.   Being kind to yourself in the midst of it will.  This approach allows us to then do the things we need to in order to process and experience change.

Science shows us that when we shame ourselves, we actually shut down the parts of our brains necessary for learning, motivation, and creativity.  Beating yourself up for being in the predicament you’re in will not aid the change process.  Quite the contrary.

But when we practice self-compassion, or an inner dialog that is kind instead of critical, we literally bathe our nervous system in dopamine, the neurotransmitter or messenger that communicates pleasure, among other things, between cells in your body.  Dopamine is responsible for turning on the parts of our brain needed for…you guessed it:  learning, creating, and staying motivated to move forward.  

The more we practice the power of being kind to ourselves in the midst of this crisis, the more quickly we will be able to find personal and collective solutions necessary to move through it.

Want to learn a bit more about how to do this?  Join me this coming Thursday at 3pm CST for an Instagram live discussion where we will explore how to cultivate Self-Compassion during crisis. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

We Can Do This...My Commitment to You

I pray you and yours are staying healthy and staying put as much as possible during these crucial days of navigating COVID-19.  My heart is heavy and yet I hold undeniable hope that we will come through this stronger and more connected than ever. 

For now, I’m moving to virtual and/or online therapy sessions – making it possible to continue the work we’ve been doing in therapy and stay as grounded as possible through this time. Anxiety is high for us all right now, and it’s important, now more than ever, to care for our emotional and spiritual well-being.

To help, I’ll be sharing free resources on meditation and self-care on socials. Make sure you’re following me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

I’ve also started an online women’s group called Bloom. This affordable, consistent way to connect and feel supported is available now. Spots are limited so sign up online today.

Asking for help is everything right now as we won’t get through this alone. Stay connected during this season. Find a source of hope each day and cling to it.

If you know someone who could benefit from individual therapy or the Bloom support group, please share and forward this email.

I’m honored and committed to serving you through this time. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

You're Invited: An Affordable Online Women's Therapeutic Group

I pray you and yours are well, and not only staying healthy, but working to cultivate the mental and emotional courage necessary during this uncertain time.  

Today, I’m beyond excited to bring you some good news. 

I have been watching, waiting, praying, and staying curious about what my part is in this global health crisis we currently face.  After all, there is simply no owner’s manual.  This is new territory for all of us. 

As a therapist, I long to support you to the best of my ability.  As a human, I long to be connected to you because that’s what we’re hard-wired for:  connection.  As a wife, mother, and friend, I want to do everything in my power to make healthy, wise decisions so as to love in a way that is protective and informed.  

My heart breaks for the lonely, the fearful, and the sick.  If you fall into one or more of these categories, hang on.  This is not the end of the story!

In fact, as leaders, we must not fall prey to the tempting panic and fear-mongering that bleeds from our tv’s, devices, and constant breaking news.  Instead, let’s find the balance between reality and scarcity.

This, my friends, is a massive opportunity to rise up—to advocate for the common good—and to live in wakeful presence.  After all, that is precisely what a crisis of any kind will do—wake us up.

For this, I’m really grateful.  Wake up calls tend to put everything in perspective real fast.

With all the social distance and quarantining, our normal has definitely shifted temporarily.  However, I don’t think we have to feel alone.

Starting NEXT TUESDAY, I’m offering a weekly Women’s Therapeutic Online Group called Bloom.   The group will take place every Tuesday night from 5:30-6:30 pm for the next month and possibly beyond.  It’s important that these groups are affordable ($25/group), consistent (weekly), and virtual (via Zoom) so as to support as many as are interested and in need.  

We will do three things when we meet together: 

1)    Process our emotions and learn to manage the tough ones (anxiety much?!)

2)  Practice some form of mindfulness to learn how to better cope with the uncertainty of our circumstances.

3)  Feel supported in safe community and share stories of hope, courage, and how we can pivot to flourish when what we’re tempted to do is flounder.

This group is by invitation only and as a subscriber, you are the first to know.  If there is someone you know who might be interested, feel free to pass along this invitation.  Space is limited in each group to 10 people to ensure flow and deeper connection.

If you are interested, click here to sign up.  You may also email me with questions at katie@katiegustafson.co. 

It’s true, when we’re stuck in uncertainty and chaos, all we can do is the next right thing.   It’s much easier to do this with the support of loving community.  Creativity flourishes in times of necessity.  Let’s create a new, hopeful way forward.  I’ll hold the space if you’ll share your story.

Can’t wait to see you in Bloom…

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

P.S. Need some Individual therapy instead? Click here for confidential, online therapy.