How to Write your Own Success Story

How do you define success?  Most people do with two usual suspects on the scene: wealth and power.  

If that’s your definition, guess what?  Great!  That is… if that's  how you’ve chosen to write your success story…

I’m struck by how few people call into question their personal version of success.  We do it all the time with our health, our relationships, and our political preferences.   For example, if something in your diet is causing a strange reaction or doesn’t taste good, chances are you steer clear of that something in the future.  Or if a relationship feels toxic or disrespectful, you’d likely address the issue at hand, or, even part ways after awhile if it gets bad enough.  

Hopefully, at some point along the way we call into question what no longer aligns with our values and ceases to work for us.  This is what showing up and advocating for ourselves looks like. 

After all, as humans, we have the distinct freedom and responsibility to write and revise our stories over time.  It’s what sets us apart from animals.  

So why do we hold so tightly to that narrow definition of success?  Besides, some of the most successful people I’ve ever known don’t measure theirs by a bank balance or a Kardashian-esque social media following.   Instead, they make waves in far more lasting, impactful ways.  

I believe the litmus test for success is based on character rather than clout. I also believe we get to define our own version of success based on the person we’re becoming.  When was the last time you took inventory of your definition? If it’s been awhile, perhaps it’s time to revisit.  After all, with age comes wisdom (we hope) and often shifting values.  If in your 20’s and 30’s success looked like that big job on Wall Street or a record deal with a major label, perhaps it  shifted to meaningful relationships or creative expression in your 40’s and 50’s.  Who knows?  Well, you do…

Here are a few pillars to build your new success story around.  Push them around.  Color them in a bit. 

1. Health: Our health is the foundation of all other functions in life.  Life is a much better place when we feel good.  I’m not only talking about physical health, but emotional as well as spiritual.  

2. Contentment: The ability to cultivate contentment despite our circumstances is true badassery in my book.  The secret sauce in this recipe—gratitude.  

3. Self-Awareness: How you show up in the world affects everything and impacts overall success, especially work and relationships.  Cultivating greater self-awareness through therapy and self-development tools like the Enneagram creates a positive ripple effect. 

4. Generosity: Giving back through time and resources is intrinsically a selfish act if you think about it.  The practice of generosity gives an instant hit of purpose and joy if done from a place of honesty.  

5. Presence: There is no better way of fully showing up in the world than consciously awake in the present moment.  It’s the the most valuable real estate we’ll ever own.  When we practice mindful presence, we stave off anxiety (“out there” thinking) and forego nostalgia (idealizing the past).  

Bonus: Share your new success story and this exercise with a friend.  Relationships are where these beliefs are really hardwired-in!  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

Bossa Nova, the Beatles, and the Problem with Perfection

I was driving the other day.  For some reason, I couldn’t get the bluetooth on my phone to connect with the car’s sound system, so I found myself listening to the Beatles station on XM radio.  I’ve been in a podcast haze for the last several months, and despite my affinity for them, was needing a bit of melody in my heart and body to balance out all that heightened cognitive consumption.  

I didn’t grow up on the Beatles mind you.  Sure, both my parents were musicians, yet they didn’t really grow up on the Beatles either.  It wasn’t their thing.  They (and as a result, I) grew up on jazz, namely, the Bossa Nova brand.  I’m not mad about it either.  

My Beatles education comes from my husband.  As a drummer, producer, and the biggest music nerd I’ve ever met, he’s constantly schooling me about the legendary imprint those fab four left on the world.  I’m grateful for this and always trying to listen for another layer of genius each time I hear one of their songs.  

Back to the other day...I had one of those “aha” moments in the car on my way back from Target.  You ready for this?  

We absolutely can’t entertain the creative process and perfectionism in the same room, let alone breathe.  They are distinct enemies and hate each other’s guts.  

Why?  Creativity is messy and takes loads of courage and curiosity.  Perfectionism depends on control and reeks of fear.   Creativity requires letting go in order to trust a higher, more vulnerable process.  Perfectionism is an excuse we give ourselves as to why we stay stuck in the need for certainty.  Really, it’s just a scared man’s game.  There’s nothing virtuous or noble about perfectionism.  It’s a total sham.  

If you listen back to some of Bossa Nova’s most magical moments, you’ll undoubtedly find two central characters, Astrud Gilberto & Antonio Carlos Jobim (well three…Stan Getz).  You know what you will not find?  Autotune, a thing they use in modern music production that can take your tone deaf 82-year-old grandmother and make her sound like Brandi Carlisle.  It’s like photoshopping a recording.  

Guess what?  There was no photoshopping the Beatle’s either.  Despite their masterful, tight sound, what makes it so good and authentic is the quirky, jangly, and quintessential English flavor we know and love.  It’s all them.  As I listened to In My Life, a total favorite, I was reminded of the simple wizardry hidden all throughout.  Likewise with Corcovado, a classic Getz/Gilberto tune.  Both, in my estimation, are iconic complete with endearing pitchiness, that yummy analog warmth, and an energy that’s palpable—breathable.  

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.  I’ve clung tightly to this mantra for years.  If you are waiting to write the perfect book, give a pristine presentation, release a musical masterpiece, or develop the fanciest website for your business before you ever put yourself out there, you’ve already missed a great opportunity.  It’s the opportunity to find your voice and begin using it despite the nervous, wobbly first couple hundred efforts.  Also, it’s the opportunity to be known.  

It’s true. You and I may never make jazz or rock n’ roll history.  However, as  human beings born to create (and yes, you are highly creative no matter what you think), we have a responsibility to live courageously in the direction of our dreams.  It’s what separates us from animals—this ability to make up stories and all sorts of other stuff.  It gives us meaning.  It gives us purpose.  Purpose, after all, is the opposite of depression, not happiness like we tend to assume.  

The world doesn’t want your perfection, it wants you.  Ask yourself what it is you would do, create, or be today if fear was not an option.  What’s that treasure hidden deep inside you? 

Got it?  Go write it down.  Every detail you can muster.  You know what?  You’re already one step closer.  I dare you to take one more.  Go fall flat on your face and get back up.  Take another. That’s called courage.  And that, my friend, is more than perfect…it’s everything.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie  

Why Happiness is an Inside Job

You’ve probably heard it before, the pithy phrase “Happiness is an inside job.” But have you ever stopped to ask yourself why? After all, isn’t happiness based on circumstance while joy is the real coveted virtue? In that case, happiness would seem outside of ourselves altogether.  

While I’m not sure about that, I do know I like being happy more than not. 

In the last several years, I’ve been fascinated by the human brain and have spent tons of time trying to understand it more.  After all, your brain is literally a genius and has the power to heal itself completely over time.  This is why there’s such hopeful prognoses for those who’ve experienced horrific traumas.  

You can’t study the brain without delving into concepts such as the conscious and unconscious mind.  While that’s another post for another day, know this:

Just as the quote mentions above, we possess unfathomable creative control as humans when we learn to harness and practice intentionally directing our thoughts and feelings in the way of our desires.  Sound too airy fairy for your taste?  Fair enough, but check out Dr. Habib Sadeghi’s book Within, to understand the science behind it.  It’s undoubtedly a game-changer. 

Today, I want to give you five helpful reminders as you go about cultivating more happiness and meaning in your everyday experience:

1. Happiness is a practice, not a destination.  We must learn to practice happiness in the small, insignificant moments throughout the day rather than “saving up” for an unrealistic circumstantial pay-off.  

2. We can’t experience happiness without pain.  Life is a series of contractions and expansions.  Picture a caterpillar inching right along.  There are equal contractions and expansions that keep him moving forward.  

3. We create our own emotional experiences by the beliefs we choose to adopt.  Beliefs are simply thoughts we practice thinking over and over again.  Your past thoughts and beliefs have created the reality you’re in today.  

4. Happiness is not contingent on your story.  You and I have agency to write the stories we want to live into.  By taking total responsibility of our experiences and resulting emotions, we are able to move through them and create greater hope and meaning.

5. It’s okay to not be okay.  We put so much pressure on ourselves to be happy.  Yet if life is equal parts expansion and contraction, we must learn to be okay with sadness, heartache, loneliness, and anger.  When we learn to contain our emotions in a healthy way and extend self-compassion to ourselves on the other side, we will likely experience less resistance and more equilibrium in life.  If you have a bad day, let yourself be in it, process it, and move through it instead of faking it. 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

The Long Player

I’ve never met a single soul who made a New Year's resolution and stuck with it.  If you are that person, I’d like to shake your hand.  However, as a rule, resolutions typically don’t stick. Hence my lack of buy in. They seem reactionary and extreme...like damage control or wishful thinking...or both.  The psychology is flimsy, a bit like elimination diets.  You tell me I need to cut out everything delicious in my life and replace it with cabbage soup and kale, and I’ll laugh in your face to mask the panic attack happening inside. 

I need a gentler, more realistic approach to avoid the stress of such a drastic shift and ensure I’ll commit for longer than half a day.  

Again, if resolutions are the way you roll, my hat is off and this post may not be for you.  However, if you’re like me and desire lasting transformation in your life yet often lack the follow-through necessary, keep reading.  It’s deflating to see yet another year pass by and remain in the same place you were this time three years ago.  My theory as to why this happens is we are working with old flat programming.  The thoughts you had about yourself  three years ago are what lead you to who you are today.  

The problem with resolutions, or any type of short-term goal, is they focus on tactics rather than strategy.  They tend to advocate behavior change without accounting for the mindset–or belief system–necessary to support them.  

For example, you decide you’d like to learn to play the cello this year.  You’ve always loved its hauntingly beautiful sound and every time you listen to Yo-Yo Ma, you weep.  This is your new calling in life and 2019 is the year you own it.  You hire a teacher, buy a cello, set up a space in your home office to practice, apologize in advance for the ruckus about to be made to anyone living in close quarters, and get right to it.   

Three months in, deadlines at work are foreboding, the kids are struggling in school, and your precious sleep dwindles as you lie awake in bed playing mental Tetris to rig the next day’s schedule together.  What gives? Your dream of playing Royal Albert Hall next February.  

Why? Because your identity allows you to opt out.  You’re a working mom learning to play cello as opposed to a practicing cellist.  

When dreams are challenged by circumstance, it’s dig deep time.  We must practice our beliefs about the goal rather than just strive to reach the goal itself. If I stretch my identity and think bigger about my goal, I’m not thrown off course when my day(s) gets hijacked by unexpected interruptions, and they will. 

What is the transformation you long to see this next year?  Is it your health, finances, relationship status, or entrepreneurial success?  Here’s an idea: set longer term goals if they are really important to you.  Zoom out a bit and practice seeing yourself as the cellist with the supporting thoughts and beliefs necessary for that desired outcome.  Consistent action will follow and sustain only if your belief about yourself can support it.  Otherwise, you’ll act out of urgency instead of desire—scarcity instead of enough.    

January one is right around the corner.  Let’s do it differently.  Why wait? 

Today—and everyday—is your stage.  Be the long player, not just the stand in.  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Finishing Strong

Last week, a dear friend said something so profound in conversation.  I’ve been marinating in it since.  She said, “I’m struggling to find my now.  I’m either stuck in the past or out somewhere in the future.  I desperately want to find my now.”

Can you relate to this?  I sure can—especially in this eleventh hour of 2018.  It’s tempting to camp out in what “could have been”: more productivity, success, health, passion, what have you. This temptation is then compounded by the seductive tendency to run tactics on a fresh new start right around the proverbial bend.  

You know the drill.  The diet and exercise folks join forces and broker a zillion dollar deal every fourth quarter counting on you and I to wake up January 1 after sipping on the stiff and steady cocktail of two parts bloated, one part foggy, and a heavy shake of shame.  We buy-in to the ultimate extreme makeover our resolution(s) of choice promises only to throw in the towel a week later hangry, and with the selfless support of your dearest pint: Ben & Jerry, or Stella Artois.   

It’s so predictable, right?

I believe it’s high-time we outgrow this brand of insanity. Thankfully, there is another way. Conscious living invites us into self-awareness. If we accept this invitation, we immediately enter a room full of freedom—and responsibility.  

Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist, Logotherapy creator, and Holocaust survivor, said it best, 

“Between the stimulus and the response, there is a space.  In that space, there lies your freedom and power.”  

The month of December presents us with a vital passageway—a sacred space.  Incidentally, it’s one of the tightest spaces in which to remain present and self-aware.  If we consciously choose presence, that powerful space of the here and now, as opposed to the sugar-laced trans of consumerism, I believe we will finish strong.  

“Buzz-kill much?” you ask. 

Fair enough, however, I wholeheartedly believe our most powerful, abundant lives are built with consistency, brick by brick, and experienced moment to moment.  Why?  Because if I am present in each moment, I hold the keys to reality and relationship.  By this I mean, I live in wakeful presence and respond truthfully to my desires, to my needs, and to those of others.  I also forgo the trap of extreme, reactionary living. 

Speaking of the needs of others, the Holiday season is often one of deep pain and loneliness in the hearts of many.  I’ve known this pain well.  Yet at the same time, there is this massive expectation to shine up the shell of appearance and ignore the voice of pain that hums a haunting cry for help.

When you and I narc-out in trance, we are unavailable to those needs all around us.  Likewise, we silence our own.  Needs such as connection, compassion, and rest get overrun by the loud liturgy of commerce and consumption.  

These next several weeks, give yourself and others this gift of presence.  Enjoy the heck out of them, consciously choosing to come back to the moment, no matter how often the drone of chaos calls.  Each time you make this choice, you step into your freedom...your power.  Don’t bother eliminating the noise. That’s an isolating crap-shoot. Simply cultivate an inner peace amidst the noise as you loosen the grip of control and soften the lens of extremes.  

Finishing strong looks more like staying soft than hustling hard.  

And so we celebrate the end with a conscious awareness of now’s beginning….

Love & Gratitude,

Katie