Celebrating Summer: Rest & Ritual

Summer is officially here. I know…crazy. I remember as a little kid and hearing “old people” talk back and forth about how time flies and they can hardly believe it’s already July or December or what have you. Well, here I am now, talking that same kind of talk (with a gentler perception of “old.”  ).

Summer looks a lot different than it once did. Save for a glorious week away somewhere sunny with sand if I’m lucky; now it’s the same as any other time of the year, just with blistering Tennessee temperatures and less motivation to do the stuff I deep down want to do. The tendency is to get lazy while waiting for the hustle and bustle of a more scheduled fall routine to kick in and a pumpkin spice latte to prove it. At least that’s the way it goes for me. The problem is, I really love productivity and I tend to fall behind on projects I want to see take flight right around this time. Depending on how you look at it, I suppose most “problems” actually signal great opportunity.

July 4th is right around the corner, and many of you are enjoying some well deserved R&R with friends and family. Rest is such an integral part of life and productivity, allowing us to slow down, listen to our bodies, and get perspective of what is most important in our journey. Incidentally, it also provides fresh vision for the season ahead, and in our case, the second half of 2016.

*****

Creativity is a habit and the best creativity is the result of good work habits. -Twyla Tharp

With this in mind, I want to share one of my favorite creative living resources with you as practical support for the coming days and months. I have been a huge fan of Todd Henry’s work for many years now. I specifically enjoy his podcast, The Accidental Creative. It has inspired me to dream big and not shy away from the work and follow-through necessary to make my creative dreams a reality.

One of his many applications I’ve taken advantage of is The Dailies. Quite simply, The Dailies are a set of daily , holistic practices that move us closer to a professional, creative, and/or personal goal we desire to meet. (I use the word “goal” hesitantly as it has a cumbersome and obligatory feel to it. Think of something that gives you great excitement and energy as opposed to something you are supposed to accomplish).

You can download The Dailies here. What Todd has done for us is: a) take out the foggy guesswork of exactly what needs to get done each day, and b) create that lovely routine that sometimes gets lost in the shiny shuffle of our action-challenged, scattered brain mass. It’s like reverse engineering and a brilliant approach to creative work; hell, any work! This may seem incredibly logical—and it is. Those larger than life aspirations are really quite simple to achieve when broken down in an intentional, systematic way.

In my experience, big picture thinking/dreaming is far easier (and more fun) than knowing and executing the loads of decisions that must be be made in order to achieve our desired outcome. By using Henry’s template for The Dailies, we are able to suss out those baby steps that build over time to create a daily ritual, eventually closing the “aspiration gap.” You know that gap, right? Another one of Henry’s terms defining the daunting distance between where we are now and where we intend on going. Good stuff!!

That’s it. I’m capping this thing. Go refuel and recharge, remembering the beautiful blessing of freedom we share as a nation and as individuals. May this season usher in greater creative, physical, spiritual, and emotional freedom than anything you have ever tasted.

Daring to Dream in 3 Steps

If you are what you should be, you will set the whole world on fire.

– St. Catherine of Sienna

What do dreams, Bradley Cooper, and my last blog post all have in common? No ladies, I did not marry Bradley…keep guessing. Maybe some of you frequently dream about Bradley Cooper, but how would I know? Go on back to my last post and see if you can connect the dots…

Still stumped? Okay, okay…It’s:

JOY. 

Have you seen the movie Joy yet? If not, put this post on hold, change whatever plans you have tonight, and fire up the popcorn. You have a date with Joy! (or Jennifer Lawrence/Bradley Cooper…you choose). It moved me in a way I think movies should move people. I mean, they do in fact share a root word. Perhaps it’d just been awhile since I watched a movie this intrinsically pure and beautiful. Or there’s the fact that I was on the flight home from my unforgettable two-week mission: destination wedding. There I was flying high, feeling all the feels, and watching this masterpiece on a glorified iPhone, while shaking and shedding tear after heavy tear, literally moved by such a story of perseverance and overcoming. [Read: I was a total basket case!] I think my new hubs may have been a teeny-tiny bit self-conscious with my hot mess of a situation. I didn’t care. Neither did Southwest, thankfully. It wrecked me in the best possible way.

If you aren’t able to watch Joy tonight, don’t worry, spoiler alert thwarted. When it happens, it will be perfect timing. I guess, in my experience, any time I have such a visceral response to art of any kind, I stop and notice what is coming up for me in that moment—and sometimes dare to ask why. Sure, Joy is a truly next level work of art with first class writing and a heavy hitting cast. You don’t get Robert De Niro, Jennifer Lawrence, and Bradley Cooper in the same room for nothing. Barking on the gritty heels of Silver Linings Playbook, they meant business. Still, there was something deeper…something…scary?

I was dumbfounded as I sat watching the credits roll and wondering what on earth just hit me in those friendly skies 36,000 feet somewhere over Little Rock. The reckoning rumbled:

Am I living a life fueled by fear or desire? 

How can I peel back the dusty layers of shame, need for certainty, and learned behavior in order to excavate the well-spring of dreams I once overflowed with? 

If numb with fear due to the jolting upper-cuts life has thrown, how do I recover the bold inner- tapestry of my six year old self? 

Oh she’s in there alright…otherwise, I wouldn’t be a blubbering mess right now!!! If I gave her a voice, what words of encouragement, or enlightenment would she give me? Well, here are the 3 messages I heard…

1. Wake up! 

In the movie Joy, several different subplots are brought to life through many of the characters. Perhaps the saddest and scariest of all for me is Joy’s mother. We come to know her as a vacant and numb aging woman who has taken permanent residence on the sidelines of life, glued to a television set and living vicariously through the melodrama of daytime soap stars. They are her point of reference for life; her Guiding Light if you will. I guarantee there is pain and sorrow in her story along the way, what with a broken marriage and forgotten dreams of her own. She shows us exactly how to fall asleep at the wheel and float into life’s proverbial purgatory while still in the land of the living. Our experience in life will never exclude hardship; however, we all have the same opportunity to reach out, as vulnerable and wobbly as it may feel, in order to graft into a stronger root system of support and connection. I don’t want to drift through life on autopilot only to wake up twenty years down the road, unrecognizable and corpselike. I also don’t want to dance with ghosts of old damage, holding onto unforgiveness and resentment. We must wake up to the glorious invitation to our own voice; our unique callings.

2. Silence the naysayers

Thankfully, after countless discouragements and disappointments, Joy did not follow in her mother’s footsteps. She woke up and heeded that curious little girl inside who loved to make things. Perhaps the most maddening subplot for me in the movie was that of her father and sister, the Naysayers. I don’t think I’ve ever hated Robert De Niro so much in my life! They nearly damned her to the same grey landscape as her mother with their slithering lies of “Who do you think you are?”, “You will never amount to anything”, and “I can’t believe we ever encouraged you to follow your dreams.” Who are the naysayers in your life? What lies have they spoken and do you believe them to be true? We must identify those people in our lives who hold us back with ill intent and toxic messages, spoken or implied. As we begin to align with the powerful truth of our dreams and identities, the naysayers must go, plain and simple.

3. Commit to the work

What I have learned as I observe those who courageously walk in the direction of their dreams and destiny is this: they inevitably fall down, over and over again. More importantly, they always get up, humbly mending those scrapes and bruises, and get back in the game. Just like Joy, many of you are these overcomers. I have had the overwhelming honor to witness your courage throughout the years as you share your journey, stare down the naysayers, and absolutely CRUSH it, despite giant obstacles all along the way. You don’t numb out or stuff the pain. You show up in splendid color to the wondrous and complex journey of your experience, day after grueling day. You teach me to wake up to the dreams of my youth, honor and cling to them for dear life, and commit to the work that will give them wings. I thank you for that.

joy in and of itself can be tricky. It’s not syrupy like happy, not that there is anything wrong with happy. We all want to be happy… let’s be honest! I like this definition of joy:

a : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight.

The possession, or pursuit of a deep desire almost always involves a struggle, a resistance. Joy reminded me that it’s more than worth it. You are more than worth it. So, for this joy set before us, may we not back down.

The Exquisite Practice of Self-Compassion

A couple weeks ago, I sat down with my friend and fellow therapist, Andy Smith of Hoperidge Counseling. It seems each time we catch up over coffee and discuss life, therapy, music, goals, etc., I leave feeling fully inspired. Collaboration is truly something valuable as it opens the proverbial wardrobe door into a Narnia-like place; one full of ideas and possibilities unseen thus far.

With so many moving parts forging full-steam ahead, my daily experience was housed in a state of somewhat contained chaos.

I had been feeling pretty stuck at the time, and not just in a professional sense. With so many moving parts forging full-steam ahead, my daily experience was housed in a state of somewhat contained chaos. Creatively and personally I was swimming upstream.  I don’t remember saying those exact words over coffee, but I am guessing my scatter-brained dialog and late arrival gave it all away. Plus, Andy’s had plenty of experience graciously observing and drawing out what’s really going on under the surface of countless clients in his work. Whatever the case was, we started in on this topic of self-compassion and man did it intrigue me.

Andy and I talked about some of the influential books we had read in the past year or so and he mentioned Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of being Kind to Yourself (purchase here), by Kristin Neff, PhD. As soon as I got home I ordered it.  It was an easy sell-what with Andy’s recommendation and Brene Brown’s endorsement across the top of the front cover boasting “A transformative read”. Done…in just two days I could devour it thanks to Amazon Prime.

This book has truly proven transformative, indeed. To be honest, I’ve grown a bit tired of self-esteem. Don’t get me wrong; self-esteem is vital for maintaining a positive view of ourselves and our experience. But it can be flimsy. It doesn’t cultivate the core infrastructure needed for honest, loving relationship with self and others as well as “wholehearted living” to borrow Brene’s term. Self-esteem feels like a fad diet of cabbage soup and egg whites (you’re welcome), while self-compassion introduces a much more balanced and satisfying approach.

Neff explains, “Although thousands of articles had been written on the importance of self-esteem, researchers were now starting to point out all the traps that people can fall into when they try to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem: narcissism, self-absorption, self-righteous anger, prejudice, discrimination, and so on. I realized that self-compassion was the perfect alternative to the relentless pursuit of self-esteem. Why? Because it offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or as better than others.”

We can go through the motions of gazing into the mirror and repeating “you’re beautiful” thousands of times and being intentional about self-care from week to week however the deeper understanding and acceptance of our frail humanity could still easily go overlooked. Self-esteem is a piece of the puzzle, but if it does not extend from the embrace of all those glorious imperfections that mark our story, we have shown up a day late for the ball.

I love the word exquisite. I loved it even more after looking up the actual definition. Merriam Webster tells it like this:

a :  marked by flawless craftsmanship or by beautiful, ingenious, delicate, or elaborate execution <an exquisite vase>

b :  marked by nice discrimination, deep sensitivity, or subtle understanding <exquisite taste>

Self-compassion is truly exquisite. Unscathed by the flashy trends of pop psychology, it is a deep, spiritual work, nuanced with an invaluable and delicate kindness. Not only this, but it requires a “subtle understanding” of our shared human experience, wrought with all kinds of success and failure.

Most of you reading this are easily moved to compassion for the loved ones in your life who suffer. Hell, you probably even experience this for countless others you don’t personally know. For example, take the horrific terrorist attacks in Paris and more recently in Brussels. I’m certain you didn’t hear the news and smugly mutter under your breath, “Well, they probably deserved that injustice”. Unthinkable. My hunch is you felt deep sorrow and were tweaked with anger upon the news of these atrocities.

If we are familiar with suffering, and we all are, why is it so difficult to extend this same grace to ourselves? Our circumstances may not be as extreme or newsworthy; however, the harshness with which we treat ourselves is tragically epidemic. What if instead we sit with an observing eye of our unique experience, witnessing that very real inner struggle, and offer words of understanding and compassion?

I hope this new spring season will inspire you in your own Exquisite Practice of Self-Compassion. If you want a great place to start, take the free Self-Compassion test here!

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo
As always, I value your feedback! Thoughts,  feelings, and ideas are most welcome…This is meant to be a conversation starter

Happy New Year – A Note on Goals

Happy New Year, friends! I write this with great expectancy and anticipation for a beautiful 2016. It seems as though the first several weeks of January bring a sparkling hope and determination to get back in the gym, learn a new instrument, back off from bad habits, and maybe even practice a bit more self-care and awareness. Some call these New Year’s resolutions; I like to call them goals. For whatever reason, goals seem easier to stick with and far less daunting. Whatever matter of wording serve your process best, I want to communicate my deep longing to support you in them this year.

Personally, 2015 was one for the books—a truly unforgettable year! After years of slowly building my practice and working several odd jobs along the way, I finally reached a pivotal point of streamlining all of my time and focus into my three loves: private practice, music, and writing. This leap was scary at first; however, it has proven to be the right move as the net of opportunity and provision have met me in mid-air. This would not have been possible had you not trusted me as part of your journey to wholeness AND believed in me enough to refer peers and loved ones as well. For this I cannot thank you enough.

When I say it is an honor to journey with you I cringe by its seeming triteness! I’m overwhelmed with pure gratitude for you and am in awe of your story. I am humbled by your courage to reach out for extra light and support—that is one of the most vulnerable things we can do as humans. I am inspired by your beauty and uniqueness; you are so very special and I love holding the space for you to embrace the inner wisdom that paves the road to increased acceptance and joy. So again, thank you for making the precious investment in therapy and for sharing your truly magnificent lives with me in 2015.

2015 was also a year of huge blessing in that I got engaged after many, many years of waiting. Finding someone who loves me unconditionally AND challenges me to be the best version of myself is a miraculous gift—and one definitely worth the wait. Contrary to the wildly romantic ideas of the classic movie Jerry McGuire, relationships and people do not complete us; however, we do grow and heal in the context of them- and of course are meant to very much enjoy them! I love how author Donald Miller captures this concept in his latest masterpiece, Scary Close, with the notion that we are “ companions in the longing.” Feeling safety and acceptance in this journey of longing is indeed a magical thing.

As we embrace this new year, I want to leave you with some wisdom my dear father has always lived by and continually shares with our family: Write down your goals. It doesn’t matter how big or small they are. Write them down. Care about yourself enough to look at them often and even tweak them along the way. There is something powerful that happens when we transpose our goals from their inner birthplace onto paper. It’s a sacred transfer. If you don’t know what you’re goals are yet, that’s ok! Pay attention to what brings you excitement and energy and go from there. Don’t judge your goals; just write them down. Carve out some time this month to journal about those heart longings; I believe they are vitally important to who we are. As I often say, we are most content when we are connected to our desires and making daily choices to align with them. I am here for you in this process; it is my joy and passion to work alongside you!

Love and Gratitude,
katie

The Power of Ritual (Desire)

The enemy of art is the absence of limitations.

-Orson Welles

What is it that drives you?  What gets you out of bed each morning?  Perhaps it is a steaming hot cup of coffee, or the inevitable 8am commute to that blessed place called work, or training for a 10k, or… love? I am talking about that thing you love and desire more than anything else.  It’s the thing that makes us depressed and edgy when we ignore it, yet freaked out and energized when we embrace it.

I am still trying to fully define this for myself, so if you are clueless, don’t worry…you’re not alone.  More and more though, I think what drives me on many levels is healing and beauty.  As broad as those may seem, it’s what I keep coming back to.  It seems once we hone in on an area of interest, or the general concepts behind it, we can experiment and tease out the specifics over time.

For example, despite the fact that beauty and healing are pretty nebulous, I have learned that they really do show up in most of my daily focus.  This can look like working with clients in a counseling setting or communicating through writing and/or song, or maybe even creating a space for others to enjoy it while connecting over a dinner table (assuming my cooking turns out beautifully).  Thankfully, I havelearned that our drive, calling, passion, whatever you call it, doesn’t have to look a certain way.  We can get rid of the boxes.  Calling is birthed in desire and nurtured through ritual.  It’s far less complicated than we make it.

A songwriter friend of mine once told me about an interview she saw with John Mayer. Despite his less than glowing publicity throughout the years, he has been a long-time favorite guitar player and singer/songwriter of mine. I am also inspired by his steely will that paved the road to his oozing, effortless talent and style.   In this interview, Mayer shared how he  “locked himself up” for an entire year to focus solely on one thing: learning and loving everything about the guitar. In the interview, he also challenged others to examine their schedules and passions, and to be super serious about committing to their craft.  Now, I don’t know all the details of his ritual and what exactly “locking himself up” looked like (nor am I encouraging anyone to follow his extreme lead), but the concept is worth examining:

What practices do I have in place to further my deep desire for __________________?  

I am always a bit jolted into action when I hear someone challenge me this way: “Well, if you don’t embrace and pursue your passion, someone else will run with it!”  Ouch.  Talk about serious blow to the old ego!  However, it seems to get right down to the point and gaugelevels of committment.  Sometimes fear can be a powerful catalyst if we are clever about it.  By this I mean fear can be an excellent indicator of calling.  There is always resistance around places of truth and destiny; fear tends to be the preliminary symptom of courage leading the way.   We have the opportunity to discover and commit to something excellent, yet in my experience, when the desire or goal loses its sparkle and the honeymoon phase is over, we abandon our work; what was once ablazing pursuit becomes a dim and lonely path.  Have you ever experienced this? 

 These final blazing days of summer  may be the perfect time to examine some  habits.  I believe Ritual is a heavy hitter in the realm of progress, thus I am breaking this entry up into two segments for the sake of being annoyingly wordy.  BUT, what would be awesome is to get your feedback. Take a few minutes and email me your experience as it relates to this stuff.  How have you tackled, accomplished, bombed, and even re-invented your greatest loves: those things that get you moving each day?  What are your daily and weekly rituals? How do you get the most from them and even make them…fun?! I can’t wait to hear from you…

xoxo

katie