A Direct Flight: Your Best Route to More Connection & Influence
“People don’t want to be impressed, they want to be seen.”
I have a massive confession to make.
Quite honestly, I’m embarrassed to go there, but in line with my desire for transparency and vulnerability, it’s hopeless and there’s no turning back.
In my own struggle with low self-worth and insecurity throughout the years, I’ve damn near died trying to be impressive—to be liked. I’ve pitted myself against “everyone” (which in reality, is a collective of probably six people in the world) in a hard effort to show up and be seen. I desperately want you to accept me and deem me worthy to enter those sparkly rooms you hold the key for.
This has taken many different shapes throughout the last three-plus decades: an eating disorder, good grades, perfectionism, unhealthy relationships, a music career, a graduate degree, a blog, shiny social media boxes, and the list goes on.
Don’t get me wrong, most of these pursuits started off clean—based in desire. However, if I’m totally honest, some got a little muddied by an unrelenting need to be seen. Not only that but to be seen as clever.
Guess what? It’s an exhausting, isolating way to live. Also, it doesn’t work. Period.
It’s kind of like landing thirty minutes late at the Atlanta airport, hustling and schlepping to make the connecting flight only to show up at the gate to be met by a very perky flight attendant with red lipstick and coiffed hair who politely informs you “I’m sorry, you’re just too late. The plane left ten minutes ago.”
Damn. Now you’ve got a couple of options; you can either bury your face in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or a pint of Stella Artois... Pick your poison.
Guess what? We all have a deep need and desire to be seen. We were created to succeed and thrive in our own unique ways. However, what I’ve found the hard way is that there is a better, more effortless way to arrive. Take a deep breath and a load off; you don’t have to be so impressive.
Your ticket on this direct, first-class flight is called radical empathy.
Radical empathy is the choice to practice empathy relentlessly and continuously in our everyday interactions with people.
Brené Brown asserts that “Empathy and shame are on opposite ends of a continuum. Shame results in fear, blame (of self or others), and disconnection. Empathy is cultivated by courage, compassion, and connection, and is the most powerful antidote to shame."
We don’t get there by being interesting; we get there by being interested. We don’t get there by performing; we get there by listening. We don’t get there by striving; we get there by softening.
Last night I hosted ten incredibly courageous and beautiful women at a monthly gathering I’ve just started called The Bloom Groups. For the most part, these women were strangers.
They came from different cities, different cultures, different stories, yet all were there because they wanted the same thing: connection.
We did an exercise where we sat on the floor with a massive piece of paper and a bunch of magic markers to share. The instructions were to each draw a painful experience had before the age of 18 and enclose it in some type of container (box, circle, heart).
We went to town like ants in a dirt pile.
Ten minutes later, everyone’s picture was completed, almost. We went around the circle and told a brief synopsis of the story behind the picture. Tears streamed. Some F-bombs dropped.
The last piece of the exercise was for each one to draw a line from their container to any of the other containers or stories they related to.
Guess what? Every single one of us connected to parts of each other’s stories. We were all connected by the collective pain of our stories. The picture was now complete, and it was powerful beyond words.
After just two hours, ten strangers had experienced what it truly means to see one another, and in doing so, had practiced radical empathy by also seeing themselves in each other’s stories.
Every day I’m learning just how desperately people long to be seen rather than impressed. Sure, it’s important to use our gifts and talents to bring value to the world and lives around us, but this should never be fueled by the fear of insecurity, but instead by the desire for connection.
You are indeed wired for success and influence. I need to see you soar because it inspires the greatness in me. I’ve got some really good news for you as well; you can drop the act. You don’t have to work so hard. There is no missing hardware. You’ve got everything you need.
Believe me, there’s no room for scarcity where we’re going. Once you get there, you’ve officially arrived.
It’s time to start seeing the one in front of you; the one you may feel the need to win over. Look for the beauty and mystery in her eyes. There’s a fascinating story in there. Chances are, you may even know that story by heart.
Love & Gratitude,
Katie
Spring Cleaning and The Truth About Depression
“The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now, not for the person we were in the past.”
-Marie Kondo, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing
I married a collector. Mostly of musical instruments/gear, tools (because you can never be too prepared), and memorabilia from meaningful past events in life. He is the most thoughtful man I've ever met, and very sentimental.
I, on the other hand, am more of a minimalist. (Except of course, when it comes to shoes.) I can’t stand clutter, and I throw or give away the things that no longer serve a purpose in the present moment. That or I’ve simply gotten tired of looking at them.
We never argue about this either… Ha!
Neither way is right or wrong; it’s just what we learned growing up. My family moved house a lot, and my mother is notorious for giving everything away. It’s lovely and drives me mad all at once. The fact that she “lost track” of my Grandmother’s custom designed (by Christian Dior himself!) frocks from the 40’s makes me cry and rage all at once. Don’t worry though; I’m working through that in therapy.
I believe there is a massive link between the space we create to live in, both figurative and literal, and the way we feel. I believe this to be true for the spaces we call home and work as well as in the temple of our physical beings. We must be intentional about creating space for an inspired, purpose-driven life.
That said, I also believe the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s purpose.
In light of this, I’d like to explore this idea of Spring Cleaning to create space for even morepurpose in your life.
Here we are in April. The days are a wee bit longer, and the vibrancy of nature’s colorful fashion show is in full effect. Mother Nature gets full-on cocky this time of year.
The tendency is to dust off the winter’s cold and musty residue to make room for what’s to come. We edit our closets, our bookshelves, our fitness routines, as well as our businesses (hello Mr. Tax Man) in order to wipe clean the slate. I freaking love it.
Isn’t it curious too that studies show a massive lift in depression levels when Springtime rolls around? The seasonal affective curse wanes a bit as vitamin D levels rise. We’ve re-engaged with the hope of something new, something better. We’re getting outside more.
No matter the season, I sink into a deep and desolate valley of depression when I lack connection to purpose and passion. Circumstantial happiness might thrust me out of it momentarily, but it never sustains.
This week, I’d love to invite you into a Passion Challenge, if you will. It’s a seven day invitation to connect to something you’re passionate about that fuels your purpose. You don’t need to quit your day job to participate, you just need to do a couple of small chores.
I’ll be giving you more in-depth instructions for the challenge later this week. For now, I’ve got a bit of prep work to give you.
Identify the clutter. You know the stuff. It’s the fear and confusion you have a death grip on in that lovely head of yours. It’s the old programming of your thoughts that only know a painful past experience, and yet seems to dictate your current reality.
Take fifteen or so minutes and do a thought detox by writing down all of the narratives and negativity that hold you back. Don’t edit or filter, just write them down in your journal. The “I never have enough time” and “I’m too old to pursue my dreams” and “I don’t know’s.” (That phrase seems so benign yet is a HUGE purpose blocker).
It’s vital to locate what’s not working in order to clean it up and replace it with something new— better.
Let this question light the way, “Who is the person I want to become?”
Anything that clutters that picture should likely be in your thought detox.
There is limitless power in purpose. It’s time to create lots of space to move yours forward.
You ready?
Love & Gratitude,
Katie