I Wish I Had Known This at 25

What piece of advice would you give your 25-year-old self? Sure, she may not have listened, but like any loving parent, you do what you can to steer your children in the right direction. That headstrong seeker was only doing her best. And yet today, you have matured into the expansive space of perspective and more balance. I know you have a lot to offer your younger, stubborn self.

Me? I would have a spirited come-to-Jesus about how to relax into the unknown, one brave and wobbly step at a time. I’d tell her that having all the answers isn’t half as important as asking honest questions.

Specifically, I’d love for her to understand what it means to have a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed one—less either-or and more both-and.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve been all too familiar with what it means to have a fixed mindset—you know, the way of thinking that is rigid and narrow. It’s all about pass or fail, win or lose, good or bad, black and white. It’s rooted in judgment rather than curiosity. It’s refusing to take myself on a brisk 20-minute walk because I didn’t have enough time to do my hour-long high-intensity workout.

Here’s another example. You have your six-month review at work. Your boss gives you high marks in several areas but points out one specific necessary improvement in your performance on a big project. A fixed mindset self-criticizes, labeling your performance as a failure. A fixed mindset disregards the praise and zeros in on the area of improvement. A growth mindset celebrates the positive feedback and understands the value of constructive criticism for future success. A growth mindset sees life as a slew of peaks and valleys all leading to necessary learning and expansion. It looks at life as an experiment, not a performance.

A growth mindset is the petri dish that breeds resilience. A fixed approach creates inflexibility, closing us off from abundance and opportunity.

This isn’t about glossing over reality. It’s about softening your approach to the inevitable ebbs and flows of life and enjoying yourself a bit more along the way.

Spend some time this week pondering this:

What area of your life could you stand to soften into? Is it your relationship with food, your body, parenting, or work? Is it your self-care? Whatever it may be, I believe a great way to find out is to pay attention to our self-talk, that often nagging inner critic that rages on involuntarily.

Write it all down.

I love what Tara Mohr says: “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”

The Somatic Enneagram

One of my favorite things about the Enneagram is its holistic capacity to bring balance  and integration to our overall experience.  I’ve heard it described as a psycho-spiritual tool, one that provides benefits on a psychological and spiritual plane.  It definitely does this.  However if we dismiss the rich insight the enneagram provides to us on a somatic (body) level, we are missing out on the gifts it can bring to our total embodiment day after day.  

You may have heard about the concept of three intelligence centers: body, heart, and mind, frequently taught in enneagram circles.  Basically, this proves that we are actually three-brained beings (heart, body, mind) instead of one-brained beings (mind), as has  been elevated in our modern western world.  Emotional intelligence has made a big splash in the last 50 years or so, yet somatic intelligence has not been as accepted until now.  Thankfully, recent scientific studies are finally catching up to this wisdom of the enneagram by proving we have neural cells not just in our brains, but in the lining of our stomachs and hearts.  Crazy, right?

I interviewed Terry Saracino, core faculty member of the Narrative Enneagram (and my teacher…pinch me!) for the Practice, my enneagram-based self-care membership program.  Specifically, we talked about the somatic approach unique to the Narrative Tradition.  If you are interested in taking your enneagram understanding and overall well-being to the next level, I hope you will join the Practice and check out that conversation.  Terry is lovely, brilliant, and as passionate today about this system as when she first learned about it in 1989.  

She describes this dynamic approach to understanding ourselves through the lens of the enneagram, and really unpacking this often forgotten intelligence center of the body.  Interestingly, our bodies are always in the present moment.  Our hearts and minds can be all over the map, future-tripping and stuck in the past, but our bodies ground us in the present moment if we are willing to bring greater awareness to them.  Our bodies are the experiencers of our enneagram type patterns of thought and emotion, so we must lean on them for greater insight and support in our day to day experience.  

Many of us are wildly disconnected from this somatic, or kinesthetic wisdom.  And one of the trillion things I love about the enneagram is it’s all about bringing balance and openness where there is imbalance and contraction.   

When we do the work of the enneagram, we discover our personality type and deeper character structure are held into place by our types emotional patterns, thought patterns, and somatic profile.  I love getting to work with clients to bring awareness to this unique type-specific picture and begin to relax these often limiting patterns.  As we relax those conditioned patterns, we are able to open up to the true, or unconditioned self that has been buried under years of habit and automatic behaviors.  

Do you long to experience a more embodied, balanced, and fulfilling life?  If so, you’ve come to the right place.  I’d love to guide you and your team deeper into the enneagram.  

5 Things to Avoid when Using the Enneagram

Do you have a funny taste left in your mouth with regards to the Enneagram?  I’m not going to lie, with its rise in popularity and the obsession with it in Instagram culture, I fear it’s become something of a caricature of itself.  If I see one more meme about type, I may just boycott it altogether.

Ah, but that’s not the response of a self-aware, evolved, and gracious person living in wholeness is it? No, it’s not…

The Enneagram teaches us to grow beyond reaction and choose from a place of responsiveness—and power.  

I do, however, want to point out 5 mistakes to avoid when using this tool for life and relationships.  So here goes:

1. Don’t type other people.  This is a biggie.  The Enneagram isn’t just about the optics of our personality.  It’s about the story, or motivations and beliefs that fuel our patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior.  So unless you are familiar with the deeper aspects of  someone’s core belief system and narrative, avoid typing them.

2. Don’t indulge your type.  In other words, don’t use your type as an excuse for bad behavior (i.e. “I’m going to let her have it when I see her.  She’ll never want to cross me again.  I’m an 8 after all!”)  We identify our type in order to better understand ourselves and grow beyond our personality tactics.   

3. Don’t stereotype others based on type.  Again, this is such a rookie move.  To judge someone and make assumptions based on their type is a big no-no.  Just as there are about 100 unique shades of white, not all persons in a type show up the same.  Especially when you factor in subtypes, you can actually have two people who are the same type look nothing alike.  

4. Don’t force it on others.  Even though the Enneagram is a powerful, transformational tool, not everyone is willing to or interested in subscribing to it.  The worst thing we can do as Enneagram advocates is to force it on others, no matter how much it has helped us.  We must learn to trust others’ process. 

5. Don’t stay on the surface.  Even though it’s incredible fodder for coffee shop or cocktail party conversation, the Enneagram is meant to be applied to our daily lives, not just talked about.  Knowledge without application is, well, just knowledge.  

P.S. If you’re in the market for a way to learn about and apply the Enneagram, you’re in the right place.  Check out my Enneagram-based Self-Care membership program called the Practice!

5 Things I Learned During Chemo

My cancer diagnosis back in April of 2021 was an unexpected gift in  many ways.  Perhaps most glaring was that it forced me to take a forensic inventory of my life—and how I’d been living it up until that point.  It  crystalised the things that were and are truly important.  It invited me into more personal integrity—alignment with my deeply held values.  It convinced me there was no reason to sweat the small stuff—adulting means we have more responsibility, more to live for, more to lose, and more to let go of when it ceases to serve us.  

I’ll never forget the day after I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  We attended a friend’s over-the-top gorgeous wedding outside of Nashville.  I  had no idea what the course of treatment would be at that time.  All I held to that day was the certainty that my story had taken a dramatic shift to the tune of that terrifying “c” word.   

I savored every single minute that day.  I got to dress up (which is my spiritual gift), hugged and kissed my then 2-year old when we dropped  him off at my folks house on the way, sipped champagne, and held my husband’s hand tighter than I can ever remember.  I even got to slow dance with him.  As my cheek pressed up against his crisp suit jacket, I cried hot tears of joy, gratitude, and fear all at once.  I’d been given another day and the days of taking this beautiful life for granted passed right then and there.  That was another gift I was granted: perspective.

From where I sit today, nearly two years later, the lens I look through isn’t fear, it’s possibility.  I’ve undergone a bilateral mastectomy, a brutal recovery, countless doctor visits, three smaller surgeries, and chemotherapy.  I lost my hair completely.  (Thankfully it’s back…and corkscrew curly! Who knew?) I lost the illusion of invincibility.  But I’ve gained so much more.  I’m pretty sure my heart grew a new chamber.  I know my faith did.

Along the way, especially during chemo, I learned five things that I believe  we can apply in the face of any challenge.   I want to share those things with you today.  

1. Guard an open mind:  Keeping an open mind in the face of adversity is necessary.  We will never be able to predict the future and going to the worst-case scenario is futile as a result.  Though oftentimes we slide right into a fight-flight-or-freeze fear response, practicing curiosity is everything as we start to thaw out.  

2. Life is hard—it’s our attitude that makes it a bit easier: At my last oncologist appointment, my doctor told me something that I’ll  always be grateful for.  She told me that in all her years as an oncologist treating cancer patients of every kind, I was in the top  one percent whose chemotherapy experience seemed easy and even inspiring.  She attributed that to my positive attitude every step of the way.  I’ll tuck that away in my pocket the rest of my days and  forever swear by the power of a positive attitude.

3. Protect your time and energy:  It is totally okay and even necessary to pull back from our normal responsibilities during difficult seasons.  One way we do this is by setting boundaries around our time and energy.  For me, my immunocompromised state required this.  However, it was a lesson either way.  I learned to let my “no” be as good as my “yes” without guilt. 

4. Self-care pays off: It’s no accident I started the Practice, my Enneagram-based self-care business, the same year I got cancer.  It was a lesson in synchronicity.  I have been practicing self-care (esp. meditation, exercise, therapy, etc. ) religiously for decades.  I witnessed first hand how every single time I showed up for myself over the years paid it forward to undergird me in the most physically and emotionally daunting season of my life.  Practicing self-care will always serve you when you need it the most. 

5. Let people support you but not always advise you: People are well-meaning. I do believe this.  However, each of us has a unique story and process. There’s no one size fits all. Take the advice of others with a grain of salt and as a gesture of support.  My chemo experience, (that 1% situation my oncologist observed) was not informed by the stories of other’s experience with cancer.  And boy am I glad!  

Thank you for accompanying me through this incredibly wild ride. I’m on the other side for sure.  I hope and pray your journey unfolds in beautifully unexpected ways…and where there is suffering…I pray God’s grace surrounds you.

Your Brain on the Enneagram: A Chat with Dr. Jerome Lubbe

I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Jerome Lubbe, an innovative thinker, functional neurologist, and author of The Brain-Based Enneagram: You are not a Number, to talk Enneagram and the brain.  It was truly fascinating.  

The Enneagram stole my heart 17 years ago, but neuroscience and specifically, neuroplasticity came in hot on my radar soon thereafter.  It was around then that I started studying trauma and it’s effect on our brains and bodies.  

You may be wondering what the heck the brain has to do with the Enneagram.  And that would be fair.  That’s why I’m excited to unpack it a bit here today.  

According to Dr. Jerome:

Neuroscience tells us that our brains are plastic. They can and do change. Brain anatomy reveals that our operating system is composed of three primary components which mirror the structure of the Enneagram--Brain-stem (instinct triad), Right hemisphere (intuition triad), and Left hemisphere (intellect triad). Functional Neurology shows us how to target areas of the brain in order to physically improve the efficiency of the distinct natures of our identity. 

The Enneagram integrates seamlessly. It provides language and definition for the process of development. It opens channels for growth by connecting values and expressions to brain function. It offers a guide for increasing physical, mental, and emotional efficiencies by practically implementing effective methods at effective times in effective ways. The Brain-Based EnneagramTM empowers every human being on the planet to engage with the brain, heal and rebuild after trauma, encourage and strengthen efficiencies, and nourish the relational, integrated nature of our whole identity.

Simply stated, understanding how our brains work and develop habits of attention, thought, and emotion over time directly affects our behaviors and the arc of our wellbeing and experienced reality.  When you integrate this knowledge of the brain with the effective self-understanding tool of the Enneagram, you are able to understand how you got where you are and can begin putting into practice a new, empowered way forward.  

Sure, knowledge is power.  However, once we are able to implement tools  (the Enneagram) with this knowledge, power translates to growth and transformation. 

Something I appreciate about Dr. Jerome’s approach to the Enneagram is his advocacy in our capacity for all nine types.  He provides in his extensive research and testing that we can’t be reduced to one number.  Instead, we have fluid elements of all nine that ebb and flow with life’s unfolding.  This allows for the complexity of the human identity and is a sigh of relief to the boxy, stereotypical reign of type.  

As I like to say, we have a dominant type (in my case, a four), yet also have strains of each of the other eight in my Whole Identity Profile, as he has pioneered.  

His personal journey, breadth of work, and available resources for us is simply stunning.  I hope you’ll check out his book, especially if you’ve experienced frustration around knowing your type!