Transform your relationship with the Enneagram

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, as is my Valentine’s Enneagram Dinner, this coming Saturday! (Bring your special someone if you’re free!) So, I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite ways the Enneagram has supported my marriage.

Thankfully, I’d known about the Enneagram long before I got married, however, as I’ve devoted myself to it as a student and practitioner, I’ve been able to really put it to good use within the context of my relationships.  

My ever-patient husband, Daniel, was quickly introduced to the Enneagram on…let’s say…date two.  I  didn’t want to scare him away on number one.  So out of the gate, I’m sure he was one part amused and two parts annoyed that someone was trying to figure him out to this degree.  

Initially, I thought he was a Type One, the Perfectionist, due to his keen attention to detail, how highly people spoke of his character and integrity, his desire to constantly improve things around him, and….you guessed it… his heartfelt “suggestions” for my dishwasher loading non-skills. Apparently, there was a glaring right way to do it and I was not hip to it.  

Ahhh, but then several months later, while reading Beatrice Chestnut’s 9 Styles of Enneagram Leadership aloud to him on an overcast Sunday afternoon, (I know…so romantic), he resonated strongly with the social  Type Nine.  Not totally convinced, I went along with it.  

As a flaming Type Four, I was just tickled pink he humored my deep Enneagram enthusiasm.  I felt seen and dare I say, understood? Gasp.  

A few years later, (yes, sometimes it takes that long to figure it out folks), he tagged along with me to an Enneagram conference for therapists I was teaching in D.C.  After a morning of total immersion, we were heading to celebratory lunch.  

In his understated way, he dropped a bomb on me.  “So, I’m pretty sure I’m a Five (the Observer), not a Nine.”

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

After a stunning aha moment and some long and slow breaths, it started to make sense.  “How could I have missed this?” I muttered.  I had to sit with this new insight for weeks, but eventually it all checked out.  While I don’t have time and space to unpack it all here (book coming soon!), suffice it to say, so many holes in the story of our relationship got filled in with understanding and compassion where there had been confusion and often hurt.  

It helped me heal some Type Four insecurities I’d carried into the relationship that initially became worse due to his lack of verbal affirmation.  I wanted a gusher.  I got a strong, silent type.  My head took up serious real estate in the clouds. He was ever grounded in practicality.

I never doubted his love for me, yet my perceived feeling of his withholding was actually him preserving time, energy and emotion in step with his Type Five tendency.  

Type Fives live for knowledge and mastery.  Now it made sense he knew all the things about all the things!!! Why he loved spending time (alone) reading instruction manuals—pouring over books about succulents, the Battle of Nashville, recording gear, obscure facts about the Beatles, and how  to build the most energy efficient tiny house in the woods.  His favorite show is How It’s Made for Pete’s sake!

Beyond all those character traits, what really struck me was the story of Type Five’s—his why—that explained so much.  

So, here are three ways it really helped us:

1. The Enneagram revealed the obvious nature of how differently we saw the world.  I’m a Four and Daniel is a Five. This hit home that our respective ways of seeing and moving through the world were not necessarily normal—but different.  A slow meditation in humility if you ask me. 
   

2. To draw on attachment styles in relationship, we learned we both had avoidant styles of conflict as Fours, Fives, and Nines are all withdrawing types. So, when the stresses of marriage mounted, we withdrew instead of assertively addressing the issue at hand.  This could become a pressure cooker for resentment if we weren’t aware of what was happening.
   

3. Part of “doing the work” of marriage requires committing to the study of your partner’s Enneagram type in order to fully understand how and why they think, feel, and act in the world, as well as how they show up in relationships.  I am now extra super well-versed in all things Type Five. :)
   
   BONUS: Don’t forget…

4. It’s crucial to understand the suffering of each other’s type.  This identifies the early wounds the defensive structure of our personalities were built around in order to survive.  It also provides information around what triggers stress and insecurity in each other.  

If you’re interested in using the Enneagram as a tool in therapy with your spouse or partner, I’d love to support you.  It’s not a magic pill, but it is a game-changing blueprint with which to build a loving relationship.  

It's ba-ack! The Experiential Book Club

I’m sure you’ve heard, 2025 is in full swing.  And she came out swinging, didn’t she!? That said, the new year can feel a bit wobbly sometimes, overwhelming perhaps? I'm not sure if it's my ADD, the weather, the tendency to bounce around to copious shiny options, or just the pressure of it all, but I often feel the need for some structure and direction--a scaffolding of sorts--in order to live from a place of intention AND follow through.  In short, it's really nice to have a game plan. 
Right?

If this feels at all familiar, I’ve got just the opportunity is for you. I'm launching my Experiential Book Club again this February and I'd love for you to join me.  We will be reading and working through the fantastic New York Times bestseller, Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life, by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans.  (Who doesn’t want a well-lived, joyful life?)

"In this book, Bill Burnett and Dave Evans show us how design thinking can help us create a life that is both meaningful and fulfilling, regardless of who or where we are, what we do or have done for a living, or how young or old we are."

As someone whose always loved design, I love this idea, especially right out of a new year’s gate.  It feels so empowered and intentional, chock-full of agency, no matter what season of life you find yourself in.  

This group will be virtual and meet for 75 minutes 1x month for six months, so it's not a huge time commitment AND you don't have to be in Nashville!  We will not only read and discuss, chapter by chapter, we will bring creativity AND the Enneagram into it as well. (Because, well, it's the lens I always look through!)  By the end of our group, you will have a solid concept and design for a life that is in alignment with your specific core values.  

Here is the link to learn more and sign up! Feel free to pass along to anyone you know that might be interested as well.  I can’t wait to start designing with you!

Out: Your Best Self | In: Your Favorite Self

There’s a constant tug-of-war happening inside each of us, and it plays out every single day. On one side, there’s your best self—that idealized, striving, ever performing part of you that means well, but tends to be exhausting what with all that hustle and sparkle.  Sure, she knows what you’re capable of, but she tends to nag a little too loudly.  She sees failure as fatal and rest, well, a waste. I spent many years chasing her and never seemed to catch up.  

So I started nurturing my favorite self—the one who accepts herself as is, flaws and all, with the same kindness and care she would a dear friend.  She doesn’t take herself so seriously and knows that her worth and value are nonnegotiable.  She isn’t afraid to say “no,” even if it means disappointing someone important.  She stopped abandoning herself to please others and this frees up so much time and energy to create meaning and beauty in life and give generously from a place of honesty. 

Both of these selves have a seat at the table, but if you’re anything like me, you’ve realized that keeping them in balance can feel like herding cats.

Your best self is the part of you that craves control. It’s the one that is in direct conflict with Grace.  It constantly throws around words like “should” and “ought.” She lives in a world of black and white, crippled by all-or-nothing thinking.

This self isn’t inherently bad. In fact, it’s often quite charming and effective. It knows how to keep you on task, largely disconnected from your heart and body. But here’s the catch: your best self is praised and admired by much of the world around you. Its job is to keep you safe in the small story of you. 

Your favorite self, if you get real honest, plays the long game. This is the part of you that envisions your inherent worthiness and calls you home to the gentle whispers of Grace. It’s not always the loudest voice, but if you can turn down the noise of unrealistic expectations and obligations, she invites you home to the truth of who you are.  She’s playful and sometimes quite funny.  She knows the voice of her needs and desires and asks for help freely.  She falls down but gets back up.  Resilience is her superpower.  

Your favorite self knows that slow growth builds the strongest outcomes.  She is fully aware that self and others compassion is equal parts love and limits and that setting boundaries feels scary, but it’s the only way to create authentic relationships. She sees the big picture and invites you to step into it—even when it feels impossible.

Living in the Tension

Here’s the thing: your best self and your favorite self are both part of you. The goal isn’t to silence one or glorify the other—it’s to learn how to discern when each one needs to take the lead.

For me, this discernment often starts with curiosity. When I find myself leaning into my best self, I pause and ask, What am I afraid of? What do I need God to do for me that I can’t do for myself? What would my favorite self do in this moment? Sometimes the answer is a hard truth, like putting in the work instead of binge watching Shrinking.  ;) Other times, it’s permission to rest and recharge.

It’s not about perfection—it’s about practice.

Practical Ways to Tap into Your Best Self

1. Create Space for Reflection: Your best self thrives in the quiet. Set aside time each day to journal, meditate, or simply sit with your thoughts.

2. Check in with Your Values: When you’re making a decision, ask yourself, Does this align with the person I want to be?

3. Start Small: Growth doesn’t happen overnight. Commit to small, consistent actions that move you toward your goals.

4. Show Yourself Grace: You won’t get it right every time, and that’s okay. Treat yourself with compassion and keep moving forward.

The truth is, the tension between your best self and your favorite self is where the magic happens. It’s where you learn, grow, and discover what you’re truly capable of. So, the next time you’re tempted to settle into the seductive lull of your best self, take a moment. Listen to that quiet nudge from your favorite self, and ask, What would happen if I chose faith over fear today?

P.S. If you’re looking for support along the way, join my enneagram-based self-care program called the Practice.  

Discover Love through the Enneagram: A Valentine's Event

Ah, Valentine's Day.  I see you right around the corner, in all of your pink and red Hallmark wonder.  It certainly can sneak up on you, or, dare I suspect, perhaps you tend to ignore it??  It can certainly be a tricky day for many!

Have you thought much about what you’re going to do?  Well, either way, I’ve got you. I’ve put together a brand new and interesting twist on it this year…and who knows? It might even leave a sweeter taste in your mouth than before!

Come celebrate love with me this Valentine’s season in a way that’s meaningful, fun, and memorable.  You heard me! Bring your special someone to a Valentine’s event you don’t want to miss.  We will unlock the relational secrets of the Enneagram to help you connect on a deeper level over a delicious meal at the stunning City Club in Downtown Nashville.  

Here’s the deal…

✨ What to Expect:

• An Intro to the Enneagram: Gain a baseline understanding of the powerful personality and character typing system and its 9 core types.

• Type-Based Connection Points: Engage in interactive exercises designed to highlight how your Enneagram type shapes your relationships.

• Love Languages by Type: Learn how to express and receive love in ways that truly resonate.

• Compatibility Insights: Explore the dynamics between types and how they can spark or strengthen romance.

• Fun & Festive Atmosphere: Enjoy delicious themed food, drinks, music, and opportunities to mingle with new, like-minded people.
  

💖 Perfect For:

• Couples seeking to deepen their bond

• Couples seeking to better understand the motivating fears and  desires of their partner

• Couples who want to learn more about the Enneagram together

• Couples who’d rather have dinner than go to therapy (Thank me later;)
  

📅 Date: Saturday, Feb. 8, 6-8:30pm

📍 Location: Nashville City Club, 200 2nd Ave S, Nashville

🎟️ Tickets: $175/couple + Dinner & drinks

Unlock the power of the Enneagram to create the relationships you’ve always dreamed of. Love is in the air…are you ready?

Reserve your spot now!

This is Your Year!

I’ve been itching to say these words for awhile now: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Whereas tangibly nothing is different and the clock just rolled over as it  does every December 31st, what does seem to change is our mindset—how we approach time.

There’s a stirring in the air, a blank slate if you will, and yet nothing has really changed.  Interesting isn’t it?  

I love what Meister Eckhart said, “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.” A new year presents the invitation to begin again. I believe every morning presents the same life-giving invitation as well. It’s an opportunity to live wholeheartedly, with purpose and curiosity. It’s the opportunity to step into your God-given shoes of worthiness no matter what is achieved, accomplished, or lost.  

You are the hero of your own journey. In every single good story, the hero is met with upending challenges that test belief, identity, and most of all, hope. And yet you, the hero, have the opportunity to begin again, every single day, with fresh vision and commitment.  

I’d love to be your guide this year in my newsletter.  You can expect to gain short, practical insights and opportunities every Tuesday that make it just a bit easier to show up for yourself—and be with yourself—in a courageous and loving way.  And of course, it’s forever steeped in the Enneagram!

Over the next few weeks, I'll share details about some other ways to feel truly supported and always evolving in 2025, including:

• 1:1 Enneagram Coaching

• Enneagram Couples half and full-day intensives

• Enneagram Mastermind Series starting up in March

• The Experiential Book Club starting up in February

• Enneagram in the Workplace: Team workshops and intensives

Last but not least, I’d love for you to join me in my monthly subscription program called the Practice, if you’re interested in creating structure and accountability as you embark on the goals and intentions you’ve set for yourself this year.  It’s an online toolkit that combines practical ways to use the Enneagram, mindfulness, and self-compassion in your daily experience as well as connect to a community of like-minded folks.  

Wherever you decide to join me, I want you to know how grateful I am to be  a part of your wellness journey.  It’s such an honor! 

I’ll leave you with a question:

If you continue on the self-development path you are on, where would you  like to be a year from now? What does your life look like? What’s different?  The same?

I’d love to hear your answers!  Drop me a line if you’d like.

Alright,  friends!  It’s showtime…