Be Your Own Superhero

Today is my precious boy, Tucker’s, fifth birthday.  So I thought I’d dedicate this week’s blog post to him.  Oh how he has grown a new chamber in my heart and painted the world in technicolor for me these last five years.  He’s taught me to believe in magic, laugh more and dream bigger.  

Before we get to the fun stuff, however, I’ll share a sobering reality with you.  

By the time we turn 35 years old, 95% of who we are is a set of memorized behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, perceptions, and preferences.  Yowza.  This means, you and I, as clever as we are, will walk through life unconsciously programmed to behave a certain way every single day.

That is, unless we decide to wake up and choose what it is we really want for our lives.  Something I’ve learned as a therapist and serial wellness advocate, is the biggest obstacle in this process isn’t the actual change in behavior, it’s knowing and crystalizing what we want and why.  

When asked, “what do you really want for your life?” Do you have a precise, accessible answer?

I’m not talking generalized ideas here.  I’m talking play-by-play, descriptive details of the day including the overnight oats you’ll eat for breakfast kind of answer.  

Why bother?  Great question.  

Getting clear on our daily and long-term intentions matters.  Research shows that our brains don’t know the difference between imagination and reality.  Meaning, we can rehearse mental pictures of ourselves achieving a certain goal, receiving an award, having a loving relationship, etc., and the neurons in our brains will fire in the same way they would if these outcomes were taking place in reality.  

As a big-picture thinker, I’m becoming convinced that the details really matter.  So let’s get granular.

But how do we do this?  One of the best practices is visualization.  It’s not a woo woo, baseless tactic, either.  It’s supported by substantial scientific evidence and practiced by successful people everywhere from professional athletes, musicians, actors, and thought leaders.   

It’s simply a technique for creating a mental image of a preferred outcome to a future event.  It primes our brain and overall biology to behave in the necessary ways that match that desired outcome.  In the same way practice makes us better, visualization, or mental practice, gets us closer to the goals and desires we hold for ourselves.  

The older I get, the more wakeful I want to be in my own experience.  I don’t want to live out of old programming.  I want to create the most beautiful, vibrant, inspired life possible.  I believe one of the most powerful ways we can do this is through preparation and practice.  Visualization provides the perfect platform  to do both.  

My favorite part about visualization is it’s a conduit for making the unconscious conscious. Remember that 95% statistic earlier? In order to wake up and choose something different, we must get crystal clear on what it is we want to create. 

Here’s a few other reasons this stuff works:

1. It jumpstarts your creative subconscious which alerts you to access otherwise unforeseen creative ideas needed to achieve your desired outcome. 

2. It programs and provides infrastructure for your brain to identify what it needs in order to achieve this goal. 

3. It creates and sustains motivation over time in order to take consistent action in achieving your desired outcome.

4. It activates intention and focus which attracts the resources needed in order to complete the goal.  

Rest assured. Your desires are vitally important, especially as they pertain to finding purpose and creating the life you want.  Tucker wants to be a superhero when he grows up.  Whereas I think he already is, I keep telling him to start by feeling like one! The science behind visualization encourages me in that half the work involved in creating beautiful change in our lives is indeed, an inside job.  

We don’t have to wait for the stars to align in order to start.  Today, it begins, on your watch and the canvas of your imagination.   

Ch Ch Cha Changes...

It’s happening folks, Fall is in the air. The afternoon light just hits differently, like honey dripping on the trees. The temperatures back off triple digits in Tennessee. The pumpkin muffins are in the oven. The 84 light jackets in my closet are just itching to come out and play.  And I’m so here for it.  

But not all transitions are this dreamy. Although change is well…change, neither good nor bad, there is always some loss incurred along the way. It’s an inevitable part of life, but how we deal with it can vary dramatically depending on our Enneagram type.

Each type has unique strengths and challenges when it comes to navigating transitions, whether they be big life shifts, unexpected disruptions, or gradual transformations. Understanding your Enneagram type can help you better manage the emotions and behaviors that surface during times of change. Here's a bird’s eye view as to how each Enneagram type typically responds to change and how they can grow through it.  

Type 1: The Improver

Type 1s often resist change at first because they value order, structure, and predictability. Sudden or chaotic shifts can feel overwhelming, as they strive for things to be done "the right way."

Hot Growth Tip: Ones need to embrace flexibility and accept that perfection isn't really possible. Practicing self-compassion and acknowledging that they don't have to have everything figured out can ease the stress of transitions.

Type 2: the Helper

Type 2s may struggle with change, especially if it impacts their relationships. They often worry about how change will affect the people they care about and may become overly focused on helping others through the transition.

Hot Growth Tip: Twos should focus on maintaining their own sense of stability and self-care during change. Learning to balance their emotional energy and allowing themselves to receive support from others can help them feel less overwhelmed.

Type 3: The Achiever

Type 3s typically adapt to change quickly, especially if it aligns with their goals and ambitions. However, they may struggle if the change threatens their sense of success or status, leading them to push harder or resist failure.

Hot Growth Tip: Threes can benefit from slowing down during periods of change, focusing not just on external success but also on internal fulfillment.

Type 4: The Romantic

Type 4s are deeply introspective and may feel emotionally overwhelmed by change. They often view transitions through the lens of personal meaning and may dwell on what the change says about their identity or place in the world.

Hot Growth Tip: Fours can focus on grounding themselves in the present moment and finding practical steps to deal with change, rather than getting lost in their emotions. Journaling or expressing feelings creatively can help them process the experience more effectively.

Type 5: The Observer

Type 5s approach change analytically, seeking to understand it fully before they act. They prefer to plan ahead and may withdraw from others to process the new information. Unexpected changes can feel destabilizing for Fives.

Hot Growth Tip: Fives can benefit from connecting with others during times of change rather than retreating into isolation. Engaging in open communication and accepting that not all outcomes can be predicted will help them adapt more fluidly.

Type 6: The Loyalist

Type 6s often approach change with anxiety or skepticism, as they prefer stability and foresee potential risks. They may feel uncertain about the future and seek reassurance from others before moving forward.

Hot Growth Tip: Sixes should work on building trust in themselves and their ability to handle uncertainty. Focusing on their inner strength and adaptability, rather than relying solely on external support, can help them embrace change more confidently.

Type 7: The Enthusiast

Type 7s typically embrace change with enthusiasm and excitement, seeing it as an opportunity for new experiences. However, they may struggle with staying grounded and fully engaging with the challenges that come with change.

Hot Growth Tip: Sevens can benefit from slowing down and focusing on the deeper emotional aspects of change, rather than always seeking the next adventure. Practicing mindfulness and staying present can help them navigate the transition with more depth and clarity.

Type 8: The Challenger

Type 8s often take charge in the face of change, seeing it as something to be controlled or managed. They prefer to feel in control of the situation and can become confrontational if the change feels imposed on them.

Hot Growth Tip: Eights can grow by practicing vulnerability and accepting that not all change can be controlled. By softening their approach and working collaboratively with others, they can navigate transitions more effectively and with less resistance.

Type 9: The Peacemaker

Type 9s tend to resist change because it disrupts their desire for peace and harmony. They may avoid facing the realities of change and retreat into complacency or passivity to maintain their sense of comfort.

Hot Growth Tip: Nines can navigate change more effectively by staying engaged and proactive. Rather than avoiding conflict or discomfort, they should focus on taking small steps toward adapting to the change and trusting that it can lead to personal growth.

Need some support through this season of change? Join me in the Practice, my online Enneagram community chock full of ways to feel less alone on the journey. . 

I know you love the Enneagram...but what about DISC?

Guess what??? In less than three weeks, I’m hosting a workshop with my friend and business coach, Chris Weinberg, of Well-Coached Consulting.  It will be a morning spent unpacking two powerful personality assessments, DISC and the enneagram, and how you can benefit from both in your life, work, and relationships.  For all the dirty details and to register, click here.

I know, you hear me talk ad nauseam about the Enneagram.  We have a thing and it’s strong.  However, I’ve learned so much over the past five years about DISC while working with Chris and it’s been tremendously helpful.  Also, if you know me, you are aware of my both/and approach to life as opposed to either/or.  I like the gray, friends.  Perhaps it’s my enneagram four showing, but I don’t mind sitting in the tension that allows two truths to exist at all.    

So, we’re putting it all together on Friday, Sept. 20th in the heart of downtown Nashville.  It’s gonna be FUN.  

Here’s the soup to nuts on both these systems and why they are so useful.    

Let’s talk DISC…

The DISC assessment is based on the work of psychologist William Marston, who developed a theory of personality traits in the 1920s. DISC stands for Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness. These four dimensions represent different behavioral styles:

1. Dominance (D): Focuses on results, is direct and assertive, and tends to be decisive and driven by challenges.

2. Influence (I): Prioritizes relationships, is outgoing and persuasive, and enjoys collaboration and social interaction.

3. Steadiness (S): Values consistency, is patient and supportive, and prefers a stable and harmonious environment.

4. Conscientiousness (C): Emphasizes accuracy and detail, is analytical and organized, and follows rules and procedures closely.

DISC assessments typically involve a questionnaire that measures an individual’s tendencies across these four dimensions, resulting in a profile that highlights their predominant behavioral style.

And of course, my beloved Enneagram…

The Enneagram is a personality and character typing system that categorizes people into nine different types, each with its own core motivations, habits of attention, fears, and desires. These types are:

Type 1 – The Improver: Principled, purposeful, and self-controlled.

Type 2 – The Helper: Caring, generous, and people-pleasing.

Type 3 – The Achiever: Success-oriented, adaptable, and driven.

Type 4 – The Romantic: Sensitive, expressive, and introspective.

Type 5 – The Investigator: Analytical, innovative, and private.

Type 6 – The Loyalist: Responsible, anxious, and security-seeking.

Type 7 – The Enthusiast: Spontaneous, versatile, and fun-loving.

Type 8 – The Challenger: Assertive, confident, and confrontational.

Type 9 – The Peacemaker: Easygoing, accommodating, and conflict-averse.

The Enneagram not only explores typology, it gives you an intricate roadmap for growth and development to put into immediate practical use.  It’s dynamic, providing a multifaceted view of personality.  

In our time together, Chris and I will not only teach the basics of both systems side by side, we will unpack the key differences and similarities between the two, how they can be used personally and professionally, and which one you should choose (if you’re the either/or type ;).  

Don’t miss this special opportunity to sharpen your life tool-kit, meet some like-minded folks, and enjoy a lovely Friday lunch in downtown Nashville.  

I can’t wait to see you there!  Seats are limited…don’t sleep on this amazing opportunity. 

How's Your Self-Talk?

For decades, I told myself a story that I was somehow wildly deficient.  Everyone else made it out of labor and delivery just fine.  Not me.  I was flawed and had to work overtime to measure up—to show up.  

What facts supported this story?  What was the payoff for believing it?  These are two questions I didn’t start asking myself until my late 20’s.  And man were they gnarly narratives to untangle.

We unconsciously adopt self-defeating narratives early on in childhood in order to make sense of core wounds and our childish beliefs about those wounds.  I came to the binary conclusion about my own that paid off in dividends because it helped me overcompensate and avoid its possible effects moving forward. How? By armoring up with perfectionism and the insatiable desire to prove the world wrong:  I am indeed enough and will work realllllly hard to show you!

This worked well until it nearly killed me.  

You and I are very much alike in that we both live out of stories— some of them life-giving, some of them need serious editing.  

Editing these stories might sound like a heavy, quasi-nebulous lift for most of us.  Want to know the best and easiest way to start this process?  Your self-talk.  The stories we have about ourselves and the world around us are colored in with constant commentary and self-talk.  And though we are each unique, the thing that I’ve learned working with hundreds of people throughout the years is striking: we largely pretty much suck at self-talk.  

When I started to study and practice self-compassion, I became aware of the aggressive nature of my self-talk.  Hell, I don’t think I’d even talk to someone I dislike with the same harsh tenor I do myself.  When working with clients who are on the path towards healing this relationship with self, I tend to hear a familiar limitation, “But saying really nice things to myself doesn’t feel believable!”  

I get it.  It’s hard to go from, “you’re just not enough,” to “You’re so amazing and worthy of love!”  For most, this doesn’t feel authentic.  

 Don’t worry, it doesn’t feel natural because your brain isn’t used to it.  It NAILS the inner critic though.  It’s not about getting it perfect, it’s about becoming aware of your thoughts and self-talk and practicing a higher quality within them.  

It’s moving from the scarcity of, “There’s never enough time to do what I need to do” to a less charged and more neutral, “I’m giving myself grace to do my best right now.” 

We don’t have control over all of our circumstances in life. We do, however, have control of how we talk to ourselves.  This matters  big time.  

This week, play around with (a) becoming aware of your thoughts as you have them, and (b) practicing tiny shifts in order to help you feel better emotionally (and physically).   It’s subtle, so don’t go looking for a quick fix here.    

Are you ready to shed the weight of your nagging inner critic?  I know, she’s heavy.  What dialog might promote willingness and curiosity in your life today? 

How do you lead?

If there is anything I've learned from my jerky, stop and go journey of emotional and spiritual integration, it is the importance of ritual—or practice.  How do I take full responsibility for my experience, and in doing so, create the life I desire as opposed to a life I settle for?  It’s the difference between leading your life and merely managing it. I believe we close this gap by developing self-awareness through simple practices.

Chances are, if you’re reading blogs about emotional health and self-development such as this one, or have sought therapy at some point, you’re a leader.  Why? Because you are actively participating in cultivating the hidden potential in your life.  You’re finding your edge and sharpening it.  

I like Brené Brown's definition of a leader in her book, Dare to Lead: “Anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.” 

Sounds doable, right? Within reach? Without a doubt, I believe it absolutely is. 

Hold up, though. If you and I are going to be leaders, developing and speaking into the lives of others, don’t we first need to lead our own lives fairly well? Otherwise, we prop up a flimsy façade of ego and lack the deep roots of character and self-awareness necessary to sustain leadership from a place of integrity.  

I tend to love the whipped up pace marked by the end of summer—a return to school, work deadlines, structure, and a bit of normalcy.  It’s the perfect opportunity to connect to the potential bubbling up under the surface and lead my days from a place of intention instead of reaction. So how do we do this? I’m convinced the unsexy truth is we get really good at practice.  

Practice what??

I’ve got three uber simple rituals for you to practice this week. 

1. First thought: When your eyeballs pop open first thing in the morning, guess what? A first thought also starts to percolate.  That first thought has the power to steer your day either north to Mt. Abundance, or south, to Lake Scarcity.  You have creative license to craft that thought, coloring the trajectory of your day.  If that thought is, “I’m just so tired and didn’t get enough sleep.” Guess which direction your headed? Yep…down south.  You’re in the driver seat though, so take a minute, first thing in the morning, to carefully choose the thought that will direct your day in the right direction.   The scenery is much better on this route, I promise.
   

2. Gratitude: Throughout the day, take three one-minute breaks and identify at least one thing you are grateful for in the moment.  Meal times are ideal to practice this as we (hopefully) slow down and hop off the treadmill of our day.  The goal here: keep them simple (i.e. lungs that work, food to eat, a new day, a job or hobby, a dear friend).
   

3. Belly-breathing: It’s fascinating to me that as a culture, we largely suck at breathing.  Our overall vitality and quality of life immediately improves when we practice deep, steady breathing.  But guess what?  We’re just. so. busy.  I’m calling BS on busy.  For at least one minute each day, practice slow, belly-breathing.  Breathing into our belly, or body’s center of intelligence, brings a tangible feeling of groundedness.  Place your hand on your belly and feel it rise and fall, like a cashed-out kid after a day at the trampoline park.  We’re often so disconnected from our bodies, which stunts us from experiencing the fullness of each moment.  Belly-breathing is the quickest way to connect us back to presence and the intelligent knowing of our bodies.

If these seem too pedestrian—or basic, for you as you step into CEO of YOU, guess what?  Get over it.  Tough love, my friend.  The best musicians in the world got that way because they nailed the basics, and still practice them.  We’re all guilty of getting in our own way by not practicing what we preach. I’m pretty sure I wrote the book on self-sabotage.   However, now is the time to return to the basics and start leading a life that inspires hope and desire.  

My challenge to you is this: have the courage to do the small things that lead to big change.  Inspire yourself so much that others start to lean into your light and see themselves in a new, empowered way.  I’m pretty sure that’s called an icon.  Greatness starts off small and gradually grows in that light.