Resilience: The Ultimate Life Hack

Do you ever get discouraged because you feel like you can’t seem to get unstuck? Maybe you’ve tried therapy or read some self-help books and they bring relief temporarily but leave you wanting in the long run? 

Or, perhaps you make progress along the way yet inevitably find yourself bumping up against the same flipping roadblocks, over and over.  

If your hand is raised, you’re in good company.  Same same. 

I’m reminded that we aren’t here to finally get it right—to one day fully “arrive” and have it all figured out.  If that is your goal, I hate to break it to you, you’re hosed.  

As humans, we have something undeniable in common.  We are imperfect—flawed at best.

I don’t believe we ever fully arrive.  I believe we get good at resilience.  

Resilience is simply the ability to recover (quickly) from difficulty.  

What’s problematic is when we get so thrown off our game, we stay down too long, and in doing so, become calloused or defined by our struggle.  

So how do we become more resilient?  If this is the secret to moving through life with more ease and confidence, how do we condition ourselves to get back up after the fall, no matter how many times we stumble?

I believe we must reframe failure.  Instead of seeing it as an ending, we must see it as an opening.  Instead of seeing it as a personal blow, we must see it as a wise teacher who comes around from time to time.  She has way more to say than her distant cousin, Success.  

I know, Success is way prettier, but Failure is more than meets the eye.   She has a depth and insight about her that comes from the humility only difficulty can form.  

So next time you feel stuck, broken, or discouraged, I hope you won’t lose heart.  Instead, perhaps the invitation and decision to sit with yourself in the space—to hold yourself in kindness—and to speak to yourself  with understanding, will become the strongest parts of you.  Perhaps they will be the conditioning that over time, just like a muscle—grows bigger and more pronounced.  

Perhaps the goal will not become perfection…but growth tethered in compassionate resilience. 

The Power of Unbecoming

What if the real way of personal transformation is more about subtraction than addition?  

What if, instead of white-knuckling our way through life, straining to gain more and more self-worth, meaning, and fulfillment, we could find a release in letting go?

When we use the Enneagram for deepening self-awareness and understanding, part of the special sauce includes unlearning—unbecoming the conditioned self or ego.   

Sounds a bit wacky, right?  I  know, but doesn’t it also bring a bit of relief?   

Part of the reason we get stuck in the first place is by living out of old, broken narratives that don’t fit and aren’t true for us anymore.  Sure, they may have made sense to us early on in life when we were trying to navigate how to show up and be accepted in this world.  Yet, as we mature and become adults, life becomes more complex—more nuanced.  

The black and white stories of our youth won’t suffice in a world full of grey.  

Consider this, the Greek word for “personality” is persona, meaning “mask.”  Isn’t that interesting?  This helps me understand just how much we wear our masks of personality in order to protect our true identity, or the more vulnerable parts of ourselves we aren’t too sure about.  

I mean, what if I were to truly be seen for who I am?  I could be rejected, found out, for the fraud I really am?  

As an Enneagram four, I’ve had that thought more times than I care to count.  

The great news is our Enneagram type actually helps us identify the personality story we’ve been living out of for better or for worse.  By learning and understanding what that is, we bring more self -awareness into our moment-by-moment experience, allowing us to slow down our process and respond to life’s curve balls rather than reacting to them.   

As we slow that process down, we can choose something novel, something different—and better.  We can un-become the limiting parts of our stories that were written a long time ago and desperately need editing by our adult selves.  We can….wait for it…Love what is underneath all that hustle and exhaustion. 

What parts of your personality story keep you stuck?  What areas in your life do you long to unlearn—to release?  

Simply start there.  And ask yourself, “what would my life look like right now if I didn’t believe this story?” 

Want to dig a bit further?  I’d love to be your guide.

How Mindful Movement Can Help Heal Trauma

Today you’re in for a treat! I’m bringing my pal Koula Callahan, master yoga instructor and founding speaker for the Self-Care Workshop, on the blog to share why movement, namely yoga, is incredibly powerful and important for us to practice as we move through our days. If you’ve always wondered what all the fuss is about yoga—and why it’s really effective, today is the day—you’re going to get some answers.

Let’s dive right into my chat with Koula!

Katie: So how does movement help regulate/process emotions?

Koula: Movement is a critical part of the healing journey. So many of us forget to incorporate and listen to our bodies as we try to process emotions and hardships and we wonder why we keep feeling stuck. There’s a reason though—our entire life’s story is stored in our cells and in our body tissues. And each part of the body shares with our brain the responsibility of memory. In fact, our bodies store more information than our brains do. So if we try to process our emotions only by accessing our brains, we miss out on an enormous amount of “data” stored in our bodies that actually helps us more than our brains do. Movement helps us tap into that reservoir of “data” and develop a more integrated approach to processing emotions.

Katie: Why yoga? What’s all the fuss?

Koula: Gosh. Yoga is so freaking helpful for so many reasons. Aside from being a killer workout (long lean muscle development!!), it’s the only movement practice that focuses on presence and awareness first. A lot of people think that they “aren’t good at yoga” because they aren’t flexible. That is so not true. It’s not about flexibility, it’s not about strength, it’s not about whether or not you can touch your toes. The physical practice of yoga is all about connecting with yourself and bringing the mind, body and spirit into union with one another. Focusing on presence and awareness from moment to moment makes the practice a moving mediation. I think that’s what’s hardest about it. You have to face the truth of what’s really going on with yourself. And you also get killer abs and triceps :)

Katie: Well you are quite the inspiration there (pictured above!!) 

Katie: Why should we be practicing yoga?

Koula: Yoga reduces anxiety and stress, helps us sleep better, regulates our hormones, flushes out our organs, boosts our immune systems, etc., etc., etc. The benefits are tremendous. Honestly though, I suggest practicing yoga with consistency because it keeps you grounded in a time when everything seems chaotic. This simple, practical tool is available to everyone to help us stay calm and balanced regardless of what might be going on in our lives or families.

Katie: Why is yoga so important to you as a teacher and participant? How did you come to find it?

Koula: My yoga practice has been the through line of my life as an adult. It’s the tool I rely on most to “self-regulate” my emotions regardless of what’s going on around me. When I come to my mat, it forces me to get present and simplify things that I have made way too complex in my life. When sh*t hits the fan in my life, my yoga mat becomes my little sanctuary where I can pay attention to how I feel and nourish myself. I really do notice when I go a few days without it — my sleep is off, I’m more irritable and less kind to myself. I love teaching for many reasons, one of which is what I learn from my students and their willingness to show up fully. It’s beautiful to experience the sense of connection that a yoga class creates and it really does fill me up when I get a chance to teach. To be a good teacher I believe I have to be a student first, and I’m grateful for what each one of my students teaches me.

Thank you, Koula! You have enriched my life and so many others with your passion and ability.

To meet Koula and sign up for the Self Care Workshop, click here! 

How to Reclaim Your Power Every Day

Almost two years ago, I got an unwanted phone call. On the other end was Dr. Lisa Bellin, the breast specialist at St. Thomas West hospital here in Nashville, TN. She gave me the grim news that the biopsy she performed two days earlier was in fact, cancer.

Talk about an absolute loss of power. It was one of those crystallizing moments in time that mark the boundary between life as I’d known it and a life that was unknown...and scary as hell.

Because if it’s not a breast cancer diagnosis, it’s a pandemic, a tornado, systemic racism, the stock market, or the bleak mid-winter of loneliness. Now more than ever, we face an unfolding uncertainty. We must learn how to respond rather than react. There’s a difference.

I suppose we could decide on any given day that life is just too hard, and not worth the time and effort to make sense of any of it. We could give up. I’ve been there more times than I care to admit. And yet I go to work every day and meet with courageous souls who long to show up for themselves and their loved ones despite the chaos spinning around them.

They are in pain, yet they don’t want to suffer. Again, another difference.

We will inevitably experience pain in life. Some more than others. Pain is undemocratic. It’s part of life. Suffering, on the other hand, is the story of defeat we believe about our pain. This is optional.

If you want to read a book and be transformed by a story of overcoming in the face of dire circumstances and pain, read Viktor Frankl’s, Man’s Search for Meaning. It’s the original playbook on reclaiming personal power. He survived the Holocaust and harnessed that pain to pioneer a life-giving approach to psychology called Logotherapy. It’s not about avoiding pain. It’s about finding meaning in the midst of the pain.

This is what I’m reminded of today: our personal power is not contingent on our circumstances. Our personal power is contingent on the wink of a moment that separates our circumstance from our response. Our personal power lies in the ability to slow down that moment and stretch it out. The space we create in that moment is everything. It gives way to the story we will live out of moving forward.

Your power is in your choice.

Oh, if we could bottle up this beauty and drink just a tablespoon every morning as a part of our personal narratives.

But wait...we can.

How will you wield it today?

The Beatles, Bossa Nova and the Problem with Perfect

The other day I was driving, and for some reason, I couldn’t get the bluetooth on my phone to connect with the car’s sound system. So, I found myself listening to The Beatles station on XM radio. I’ve been in a podcast haze for the last several months, and despite my affinity for them, was needing a bit of melody in my heart and body to balance out all that heightened cognitive consumption.

I didn’t grow up on The Beatles. Even though both my parents were musicians, they didn’t really grow up on The Beatles either. It wasn’t their thing. They (and as a result, I) grew up on jazz, namely, the Bossa Nova. I’m not mad about it either.

My Beatles education comes from my husband. As a drummer, producer, and the biggest music nerd I’ve ever met, he’s constantly schooling me about the legendary imprint those fab four left on the world. I’m grateful for this and always trying to listen for another layer of genius each time I hear one of their songs.

Back to the other day. I had one of those “aha” moments in the car on my way back from Target. You ready for this?

We absolutely can’t entertain the creative process and perfectionism in the same room, let alone breath. They are distinct enemies and hate each other’s guts.

Why? Creativity is messy and takes loads of courage and curiosity. Perfectionism depends on control and reeks of fear. Creativity requires letting go in order to trust a higher, more vulnerable process. Perfectionism is an excuse we give ourselves as to why we stay stuck in the need for certainty. Really, it’s just a scared man’s game. There’s nothing virtuous or noble about perfectionism. It’s a total sham.

If you listen back to some of Bossa Nova’s most magical moments, you’ll undoubtedly find two central characters, Astrud Gilberto & Antonio Carlos Jobim (well three...Stan Getz.) You know what you will not find? Autotune…a thing they use in modern music production that can take your tone-deaf 82-year-old grandmother and make her sound like Brandi Carlisle. It’s like photoshopping a recording.

Guess what? There was no photoshopping The Beatles either. Despite their masterful, tight sound, what makes it so good and authentic is the quirky, jangly, and quintessential English flavor we know and love. It’s all them. As I listened to In My Life, a total favorite, I was reminded of the simple wizardry hidden all throughout. Likewise with Corcovado, a classic Getz/Gilberto tune. Both, in my estimation, are iconic—complete with endearing pitchiness, that yummy analog warmth, and an energy that’s palpable.

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. I’ve clung tightly to this mantra for years. If you are waiting to write the perfect book, give a pristine presentation, release a musical masterpiece, or develop the fanciest website for your business before you ever put yourself out there, you’ve already missed a great opportunity. It’s the opportunity to find your voice and begin using it despite the nervous, wobbly first couple hundred efforts.

It’s true. You and I may never make jazz or rock n’ roll history. However, as human beings born to create (and yes, you are highly creative no matter what you think), we have a responsibility to live courageously in the direction of our dreams. It’s what separates us from animals—this ability to make up stories and all sorts of other stuff. It gives us meaning. It gives us purpose. Purpose, after all, is the opposite of depression, not happiness like we tend to assume.

The world doesn’t want your perfection, it wants you. Ask yourself what it is you would do, create, or be today if fear was not an option. What’s that treasure hidden deep inside you?

Got it? Go write it down. Every detail you can muster. You know what? You’re already one step closer. I dare you to take one more. Go fall flat on your face and get back up. Take another. That’s called courage. And that, my friend, is more than perfect...it’s everything.