Listen...Your Life Wants to Speak

I'm a big advocate for the sacred process of finding your voice—and courageously learning to use it.

In my experience, slowly crossing the threshold of confidence into the land of self-compassion and acceptance gave me newfound freedom and excitement to be heard and seen.

But I quickly learned that in order to truly find your voice and speak from that sacred heart space, you must first learn to listen really closely and often.

I love what Parker Palmer says in one of my all-time favorite books on finding your calling, Let Your Life Speak (a must-read you haven’t already…super short too.)

He says, "Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am."

Sounds esoteric, right?  It’s actually not that complicated.

To become comfortable with our own voice, we must learn to accept our "true self" with all its limits and potential. We must allow ourselves to get still and present. We must lean into the unknown.

We must…listen.

Just as a flower grows and blooms from a tiny seed, you and I have everything we need to thrive locked safely inside us. Sure, we may need to nurture that part of us with inspiration and encouragement, but I assure you, it’s all in there.

That’s right, you get to create the life you love.

What happens so often though, is that we get lazy, want to be told what to do, and as a result, autopilot through life. No wonder we wake up mid-thirties or forties with a serious purpose deficiency and a bad back in search of a pill or a promise that will make us feel alive again.  

We’ve not been listening. We’ve been busy, hustling, fitting in.

So we’ve got a spectrum here. You may have recently unlocked this stunning, shiny voice of yours and you really like using it. The test drive is intoxicating. Or, you may be completely shut down, confusing everyone else’s demands and desires with your own. You’re exhausted and maybe even a bit resentful.  

Either way, the next best step is to slow down, take several very deep breaths, and simply listen. Feel your feet on the floor and your spine growing up from your seat. Notice the sensations inside your body; they’re talking alright. Give the tension a little time-out; you can pick her up in just a minute.

This is your true self. This is the space free of ego. This is where, with some practice, your life will speak to you in profound and sweet ways.

You have a voice. Guard the voice that is yours, listen to it, know it, and let it be known. It matters.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

Happiness is a Verb

Let’s stop beating around the bush here. Why do most of us consume self-development or motivational content?  I believe it’s because we all want to live our best life…successful, joyful, happy.

However, I think we often confuse success with happiness.  It sneaks in so quietly, so subtly, I’m guilty of it as well.  Today, I want to revisit this boulder of a dream I believe we all carry with us, albeit under the radar.  I want to get back to the basics, discussing what it means to live with intention and create happiness in our lives instead of expecting it to show up at our doorstep every morning, complete with a piping hot coffee and our favorite almond croissant (sans the calories, of course.)

Happiness is, indeed, an inside job.  

The two things I tend to hear when I listen to others talk about what they want, both in and outside of therapy, is more peace of mind, security, and belonging.  Often, this comes in the way of more money, more love, and less body mass.  I get it!  Typically, we confuse successful people who are wealthy, popular, and thin, with truly happy people.  

Don’t get me wrong: money, community, and physical health are three big factors in contributing to overall well-being.  However, these successful outcomes are never sustainable as it relates to daily happiness.  

Success simply means achieving a desired outcome.  

Happiness refers to a state of well-being and contentment.  

They have two totally different meanings, yet we buy into a currency of contentment that makes them virtually interchangeable.  

Two of my favorite books exploring the science of happiness are Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. Both are worth the read.  

For your time-sensitive enjoyment, however, I’ve boiled it down and come up with three regular activities that propel happiness: this feeling of well-being and contentment. 

(Yes, they all start with “G” to keep it simple!)

Gratitude
I’ve never met someone miserable who consistently practiced gratitude.  In fact, it is nearly impossible to be a curmudgeon and also be grateful.  Try it.  In my experience, gratitude is the single most powerful and accessible weapon to combat resentment, anxiety, and self-pity.  I believe practicing gratitude alone for even just one day can set a completely new mindset into motion.  

Try it on for size: every time you sit down for a meal, think to yourself or say out loud three things you are grateful for.  I KNOW you can find simple things that will shift your perspective away from the weight of what’s bringing you down.

Generosity
Before you get all huffy and assume I’m asking you to pull out the checkbook, think again.  While financial giving is one way to be generous, there are so many other ways to practice this happiness magnet.  

The world gets really small when we’re only thinking about our well-being.  While self-care and discovery are a requirement for optimal experience, the act of giving actually enhances this well-being in a massive way.  They go hand in hand.

Writing a thank-you note, dropping off a meal to a friend in need, sending a simple encouraging text, or buying the guy behind you a coffee unexpectedly at Starbucks are all beautiful ways of practicing generosity.    

Grounding in The Present
This is a biggie.  I’m not just talking about transcendental meditation, either.  I like to think of practicing grounding as anything that helps you fully engage in the moment at hand, which is the only sure thing we have.  People are most unhappy when they binge on toxic thoughts that have no tangible trace of truth.  It takes us out of our power and places us in a projected state of anxiety.  

Letting go of this thought-obsessed existence by practicing grounding is everything.  Think passion here!  I am always at my best when I’m pursuing my passion because I’m fully engaged in something that brings me meaning, purpose, and joy.  

What lights you up? Even just committing fifteen minutes each day writing, playing guitar, practicing yoga, networking with others in your tribe, or going for a run outside will jumpstart a feeling of connectedness and grounding.  

Do these seem impossibly simple?  If so, that is intentional because oftentimes the hardest things to put into practice are the things that seem basic or obvious.  Your challenge this week is to do just that, get back to basics by practicing these three happiness boosters every day for the next week (or more!)

We are Ph.D.’s at overcomplicating life.  Let’s get emotionally fit this week through gratitude, generosity, and staying grounded in the present.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

The Art of Practicing Joy

After a decade of working as a therapist and holding space for the brave, beautiful stories I encounter along the way, I’ve had a curious finding.  Not one of these stories is identical, yet there is a familiar melody that builds if you back up and listen from a distance.  It’s like sitting on the back porch after a long day in the sweaty palm of summer as the crickets and katydids show off their grand cacophony against the stillness at dusk.  No song is in perfect harmony, yet the dissonance makes perfect sense.  

I’ve found this common theme checks out despite age, race, gender, or religion.  Ready for this?  Here it is: 

Humans are terrified of Joy.  

Beyond anger, sadness, grief, shame—you name it—we are far more resistant to feel joy than other emotions.  

In fact, in a 2013 paper published in the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, a study shows that people with depression often steer away from activities that could bring about feelings of happiness and people with a tendency toward perfectionism may fear feeling happy because they’ve associated happiness with laziness or unproductive activities. 

Why is this?  

I call it “the other shoe syndrome.”  If we bask in moments of joy, small though they may be, eventually, the other shoe will drop, leaving us disappointed, or perhaps irresponsible, or even worse...empty.  We’re so afraid of the let down that we settle for scarcity and self-protect.  

Brené Brown says it best, “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.  As a result, we dress-rehearse tragedy and beat it (vulnerability) to the punch.” 

In other words, joy is too risky.  Something terrible might happen on the other side so we opt out altogether and dumb down desire.  After all, if we run tactics on the worst-case scenario, we have nothing to lose.  

Not so fast, Cowboy.  You simply can’t opt-out of vulnerability.  You’re not like the rest.  You want more.  Hell, you’re taking precious minutes of your day you’ll never get back to read a blog post about self-awareness and development.  Chances are, you’re also a little weird.  I sure hope so.

To walk around on the planet with a heartbeat and a dream we must practice vulnerability.  Expansion requires it.  But we must start with small steps and learn to rewire our brains if we wish to soften into joy.

How do we practice?  I’m convinced it’s a three-fold process.  

When Joy flashes her tooth-y grin in your direction, don't quickly look the other way—get curious.  Flirt with her, even if she’s there for just a minute. 

Then what? 

Pivot to gratitude.  Research shows the most joyful people in the world are also the most grateful.  This blows far beyond circumstance.  It’s a result of practice.  When we pivot to gratitude instead of scarcity, we build up new accessory muscles we didn’t know existed.  This, in turn, becomes habit over time.  

I like F. Scott Fitzgerald’s words, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 

In that practice of gratitude for this joyful moment—breathe it in—stay with it.  Brain science tells us it takes three deep breaths or eleven seconds to form a new neuropathway in your brain.  By basking in these joyful moments, you are literally rewiring your brain to make you a more wholehearted, receptive person. 

By the way, this post is really for me.  They all are.  We write what we know because we’ve had to learn it.  I’m guilty of constantly chasing the extraordinary.  In this chase, I miss out on the tiny, ordinary moments bursting with joy: the quiet flurry of snow, the faint song being played on the piano in the other room, a perfectly poured latte, my niece’s delicious laugh, a text from a friend “just saying hi.” These simple sightings of joy are oxygen for the soul.   

This joy, this “sharp and wonderful stab of longing” as Lewis describes, is bittersweet.  It’s the good and the bad, the black and the white.  It’s toggling the both-and.  This season, I’m committed to that creative tension.  I’m committed to practicing those tiny, two-degree shifts that bolster desire.  I don’t want to go it alone though. 

Will you join me?

Love & Gratitude,

Katie  

Reaction Formation

I love a good quote. Don’t you? 

One that I keep tucked away in the background of my foggy mom brain is this classic by Viktor Frankl, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

It keeps my unconscious clunking through life in check.

I sincerely believe that most of our perceived problems would dissolve if we cultivated, or grew, that space between what life throws at us and how we respond. Let’s stop right there. Even just the word “respond” is generous. I tend to default to cruise-control living more days than not, reacting out of emotion instead of responding out of presence. 

Why? Because the space between the stimulus and response is so stinking small! What is not so small, however, is the old ego blaring at full-volume when I live like this. 

For example, let’s look at a scenario we can all relate to—traffic. (Well, perhaps not in these COVID times.)  If you live in a large-ish city like Nashville, chances are, you have been tweaked by traffic. One of my absolute biggest pet peeves is when I’m stopped at a four-way stop and instead of obeying traffic laws, people try to be sweet and “let you go” when it’s not your turn. I’m all for southern charm and hospitality, but somebody’s going to get hurt if we all play nice instead of following the basic order.

This happened the other day. A well-meaning lady in a heavy black sedan with red lipstick and statement earrings sat across from me at a four-way stop. It was her turn to go. She flashed a toothy grin my way and waved her hand for me to go. I mean come ON. I played along but rolled my eyes and sped around the turn very dramatically. Small space alert! I reacted out of frustration instead of responding from curiosity and openness. Ew.

I was also asleep in trance, living out of a really crappy story that read something like this, “Why are people so lame? She should see traffic laws (and life for that matter) the way I do.”  

Zero compassion. Zero patience. Bags of judgment.  

Sure, anger was at the surface. But guess what was really going on underneath that jagged reaction? The real underlying story was fear. It went something like this, “Things won’t work out unless I try to control them.”  

Do you have a particular narrative that gets you into trouble?

Here’s some good news: the thing that separates us as humans from animals is the ability to make up stories. We’ve also been given the glorious gift of imagination in order to write them well. 

Guess what we need in order to write good and truthful stories? We need space. Why? Because we write best out of stillness, not chaos. Also, because reactionary, fear-based living will drive us mad (and others away). 

If you and I are courageous enough to sit in that space, feel our feelings, and simply observe the moment at hand, we have stepped out of ego— the need for control—and into the freedom of essence. By essence, I’m referring to the unconditioned, open, and authentic “true self.”

From that space, you create meaning, thought, feeling, and action that is powerful beyond belief. This is the space where you get to use your God-given gift to write really compelling stories.

This all sounds so lovely and airy-fairy, but how do we grow that space and find our freedom— our power? 

Meditation is the most effective tool I’ve found to cultivate the inner observer, or witness, we all have, yet tend to neglect. Any mindfulness exercise or guided breathing and meditation allow us to relate to our thoughts and experiences in a softer, more open way. Most importantly, it broadens the space and cushions the fall when life throws us the inevitable curveballs.  Yes, it feels boring, uncomfortable, and frustrating at first, but after a while, you will start to crave it. 

This is the spiritual work of the Enneagram. It’s time we tend to that pure, loving part of us in order to create some distance between how we experience the world and how we respond. Your imagination is your MVP here. Break it open. Look around. Make a home.

Stay awhile.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

In Case You're Wondering What to do Next...

When everything around me seems swirling and chaotic, I always return to the basics: what I know to be true.  

I remember as a kid, when I’d get super discouraged, dramatic, or disappointed, my sweet Dad would take me on a date (which normally revolved around food, ice cream, what have you), and remind me of who I was.  Not in a pep talky kind of way—more of a recalibrating kind of way.  My highly-sensitive self would get lost in the clouds of her great expectations and harsh inner critic and what I needed more than anything was to feel my feet on the ground.  

My Dad knew that.  Perhaps someone had done that for him somewhere along the way.

While I have been clueless how to respond to the world around me and the mash-up of emotions sheltering inside me for most of 2020, I keep coming back to this: when in doubt, do the next best thing.  Okay, okay, so I got a little inspiration from Anna in Frozen 2.  I guess it’s proof that the kid inside of you and me is indeed, a truth-teller.

While I may not be able to change the world around me in a day (or a lifetime), I can take responsibility for my own evolution and growth and in doing so, directly impact my sphere of influence big or, in my case, small.  By becoming better humans, we build a better world.  By taking care of you, you create a greater opportunity for impact as you engage your family, friends, co-workers, and tribe.  

What does this mean exactly?  Becoming a better human sounds pretty broad.  I believe it starts with self-knowledge.   Last week I interviewed Ian Cron, bestselling author of The Road Back to You and host of the popular Enneagram podcast, Typology.  It was such a treat.  I asked him what his most valuable takeaway was from the Enneagram.  He said “self-knowledge,” without a doubt.  

He said the difference between self-awareness and self-knowledge is self-awareness is being conscious of how you feel, think, and act.  Self-knowledge takes it a step further and unpacks the “why” behind that awareness.  The Enneagram gives us nine (or 27 if you factor in subtypes) lanes that map out how we get lost in our ego, or false self.  It carves out the self-knowledge as well, providing us with the “why” behind our often painful pursuits.  

Today we stand at an unprecedented crossroads.  It’s an invitation to quit pressing the snooze button on the alarm clock of living fully alive. It’s an opportunity to change the world around us by doing the next best thing—whether that is reaching out to a friend in need, speaking kindly to yourself, donating to a worthy cause, responding instead of reacting out of fiery emotion, or hugging your child a little longer at bedtime.   

It’s about revisiting the classics we may have skimmed through in human school.  

Let’s get back to the truth of what we know, my friend.  By taking care of you, you’re taking control of what you can control.  When we build on a firm foundation, we can create a beautiful, soulful tomorrow.  I think we can all agree that hope for tomorrow starts with today.

Deepest Love & Gratitude,

​Katie