When all else fails, try this.

Have you ever experienced days when no matter how hard you try, or how many tools you have in your proverbial emotional toolkit, or how much you know in that clever thinking mind of yours, you just want to stay curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner of some hidden room and simply cry?  

You’re inconsolable.  

The feelings of despair and powerlessness take on tsunami strength leaving you weak, weary, and barely breathing.  

I had one of those days recently.  It was awful.  

My dominant Enneagram type is four, the Individualist.  We’re known to have a pretty vibrant (read: intense bordering on dramatic) interior emotional landscape.  We’re also known to access the spectrum of that intensity at the drop of a hat.  That being said, I’ve been known to indulge my emotions, feasting on them like a marathon runner carb-loading before race day.  

Despite your Enneagram type, the goal is to grow in self-awareness with regards to those limiting adaptive personality programs (like my aforementioned emotionalism) that run the show and keep us stuck in our type structure so that we can evolve past these behaviors and fully thrive.  

In Enneagram circles, (or basically every coffee shop in Nashville), we hear the phrase, “become your true self” tossed around quite a bit.  I love this idea.  Enneagram fours are also known to have this mad concept crush on authenticity, depth, and meaning.  So the idea of “becoming your true self” is truly intoxicating.  

Back to that awful day.  (And I’m going to land this plane quickly.  Too many words will throw us off course here.)

What if, in the truest, deepest part of you, there’s this growling need to simply surrender to the primal force of what you’re feeling?  To be “all in” so to speak?  To not try and fix, figure it out, numb, or run like hell?  

What if, in order to fully and consciously show up each day, we hold a margin of space for the brokenness inside to be just that…broken?  Our feelings will not kill us.  They may feel impossible at times, but like a storm at sea, they eventually calm.

After all, on this journey of growth and integration, change is inevitable.  With every change, “good” and “bad,” we incur a loss.  Loss must be grieved.  Period.  It must be acknowledged, felt, and witnessed by someone safe.  Eventually, we’re able to release it and receive something new.  

Rilke said, “no feeling is final.”  Yet to be human is to feel. 

Emotion is the language of the heart and body and to live in silence is to ultimately die.  

And so, Dear One, know that when all else fails and the bleakness of winter doesn’t show visible signs of spring, cling to this truth from Julian of Norwich,

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” 

Speak this out when nothing else makes sense.   Hold it close, even if you don’t believe it.  I’ve been in that space, clung to those words, and can believe it for you.

The darkest night sets the stage for a breaking dawn.  Even the longest winter must give way to the rights of spring.  

Your birthright is to Bloom. 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Keep the Chocolate, Skip the Judgment.

Remember way back to that vaguely familiar feeling you had on New Year’s Day?  I know, it might take some focus.  For me, this feels like a year ago.  

How did you ring in 2019? Did you have high hopes in a New Year’s Resolution that felt shiny and hopeful?  Perhaps you wanted to start saving more money, lose some weight, or learn Italian.  Where are you with these resolutions today?  Have you managed to stick with them? Are you flirting with the idea of giving it another go? Or, like me, did you abandon them about three weeks in when boredom set in and you needed to shake things up again? (read: return to the old familiar ways).  

Guess what? Whatever your response—wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of personal goals and fulfillment is exactly where you’re meant to be, in my book at least.  Why? Because your journey is just that…yours.  

Tara Mohr says it beautifully, “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, or the first day of Lent, a 40-day season in the traditional Catholic Liturgical calendar.  During this season, many people commit to a form of fasting or “giving up” something they normally tend to rely on or enjoy.  The usual suspects are sugar, alcohol, social media, swearing, or some form of junk food.  One year I gave up wine only to adopt a new found fascination with beer, which in turn jacked up my digestion and created a constant craving for all things salty.  This made me highly bloated and lasted only a week.  Also, I missed the point entirely…or did I?

Call me unspiritual, weak, or a lush.  Whatever. I can handle it.  What I can’t handle is the violent judgment we inflict on ourselves and our good intentions the minute we fall short of the, often fear-based, strict expectations we place on ourselves.  

Make no mistake, seasons of fasting or going without can be helpful. Though I am no poster child for this spiritual practice, I do believe it to be a powerful tradition that ultimately helps create greater balance and clarity in our lives.  However, finding yet another opportunity to lather up in the shame shower of “not enough” ultimately separates us from a higher, loving, spiritual pursuit.  

Now if I chose to give something up for Lent or other spiritual reasons, I make sure to check the motive and most importantly, the way I relate to myself in the process.  After all, these seasons are meant to create more connection with ourselves and Higher Power, not more distance.  

Whether you consider yourself spiritual or not, I’d like to invite you into a 40-day season of mindful awareness.  Basically, what you will be mindful of during this season is the self-judgment you have on a daily basis (and we all have it).  

Hear me out: I’m challenging you to be a neutral observer of your harsh inner critic not try to fix anything.  We all need discernment as we move through our days.  This is not the self-judgment I’m referring to.  

Perhaps your self-judgment is so engrained you don’t even notice it.  That’s okay.  The first step in any healing journey is always awareness.  So, our work is to wake up to the inner dialog and resulting treatment of ourselves on a daily basis.  

Not only will this improve our overall self-worth and emotional experience, it will transform your relationships with others.  Typically, if we practice heavy judgment towards ourselves, we do the same with others.  

To support this season of mindful-awareness and greater compassion, I’m leaving you with a short reflection from May Cause Miracles by Gabby Bernstein.  It’s meant to encourage you and remind you it’s not all up to you over the next 40-days.  Take a screen shot of it and read it aloud once or twice a day.  Then, allow yourself to simply sit with it for a minute or two.  

I surrender.  Today I turn over all the fearful projections that I have placed upon myself.  I release all self-doubt and attack today.  In this moment, I choose to let it all go.  I am willing to be guided to new projections.  I am willing to love myself again.  Inner Guide, please take the steering wheel and show me how to truly surrender my fear so I can wholeheartedly love myself again.  

So go ahead, keep your chocolate. I say we skip the judgement instead…

Love & Gratitude,
Katie   

Stressed out? I Got You.

When was the last time someone asked you how you were doing in passing and you replied, “Calm, inspired, and totally energized!” In fact, have you ever responded like this besides that time you were fresh off your two week vacation in the Maldives? 

Me neither.

Typically, the response goes something like this, “Sooooo busy.”  If it’s a Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend, it could have a hopeful lilt, “Good! Soooo busy though.”  

As a culture, we tend to deify stress and busyness, wearing it like a badge of honor or something.  God forbid we have margins of time, energy, and rest laying around everywhere.

In my experience, running on fumes of stress and anxiety eventually left me immobilized—an insomniac bobble head at certain low points along the way.  However, over the last several years, I’ve made it a mission to fully understand what it means to live consciously and in soft balance, connected to myself as opposed to running like hell.  It’s not perfect, but I’ve had some incredible findings along the way.

One of the biggest lessons learned is this vital need to balance out my relationship with all three centers of intelligence: mind, body, and spirit.  So often, we either live “out there” in some future state, running ops on everything that could go wrong in our minds or we’re letting our emotions drive us around all day while we ride shotgun.  Both scenarios feel powerless.

Today, I want to briefly unpack why stress is so harmful to our overall neurobiology and physicality.  Hopefully, it will be a wakeup call for those of us proudly touting our epic workloads, deadlines, and lack of sleep around like we’ve just won a Nobel Peace Prize. 

First off, not all stress is bad, nor are the hormones stress creates in the body as a result.  They ebb and flow throughout the day in order to help us adjust to the stressors of normal, everyday life.  Moments like waking up (no joke!), getting to work on time, giving a presentation, getting a traffic ticket, and even being surprised on your birthday all require shifts in our internal ecosystem to stay regulated.  

More good news, stress is highly manageable.  We’ll look at ways to do so a bit later.  

Long-term stress left unchecked, however, is a different beast.  Our bodies and brains weren’t created to undergo this brand of stress and anxiety.  In fact, in as much as we think we’re being responsible and hardworking, we are directly inflicting ongoing toxic wounds on ourselves.  This eventually will show in the form of negative, noticeable emotional and physical symptoms. 

Neuroscientists at the University of California, Berkeley, have discovered that chronic stress produces long-term changes in brain structure and function.  This sheds light on the fact that youngsters exposed to ongoing stress early in life likely will develop mental illness and mood disorders such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, and even learning difficulties.  

As a natural line of defense, our adrenal glands produce a hormone called Cortisol when we’re met with stressful situations as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism.  With good stress (eustress) these levels balance out once the threat of danger has passed and the body and brain return to normal.  

However, in a state of chronic stress (distress), our friend Cortisol has no outlet to release and the body stays locked in this hyper fight-or-flight mechanism.  This survival mechanism must be released physically from the body and when it’s not, cortisol levels skyrocket in the blood, declaring war on our mind and body.  

The wreckage?  Lower immunity and bone density, weight gain, sleep problems, memory loss, learning disability, irritability (duh), increased blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease, and inflammation throughout the body.  

If that list doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will.  Bottom line my friend, we must be vigilant in listening to the needs of our bodies and emotions and practice actively getting them met.  

Here are a few helpful tips that will reduce the effects of chronic stress and resulting cortisol levels in the body:

1. Regular physical activity: I’m an exercise evangelist.  This blew past vanity a long time ago as I experienced the direct positive effect daily exercise has on my mood and overall experience.  It is my anti-depressant of choice.  We absolutely must move our bodies regularly to aid the release of cortisol from our bodies and support emotional processing.   

2. Mindfulness practices: Mindfulness practices such as meditation and deep breathing are vital in reducing stress and cortisol levels.  Why?  They engage the Vagus nerve which signals your nervous system to chill out, slow the heart rate as well as cortisol levels.  Next time you’re in the death grip of stress, take ten deep breaths.  Panic cannot co-exist with a relaxed state.  Click here for one of my favorite meditation resources. 

3. Community:  Social interaction is a powerful antidote for stress and anxiety.  In fact, human bonding also triggers that Vagus nerve mentioned earlier, relaxing the parasympathetic nervous system.  Not only that, social connectivity releases that yummy hormone called oxytocin, which directly lowers the fight-or-flight mechanism.  That whole eight hugs in a day thing is real!

4. Laughter and music: Both are game changers and have been proven to lower cortisol levels.  Not only that, but they invite us into the experience of the present moment, the most desirable real estate on the planet when it comes to experiencing more levity and joy.  

This list isn’t meant to overwhelm you, but to offer you several two-degree shifts you can bake into your everyday experience in order to manage stress a bit better.  Often times, community can be the toughest need to meet.  I get it, and that's why I have created a couple of upcoming opportunities for you to gain a greater sense of connection and support.  Click here for more on that.

Last thing I’ll say before I land this plane: you are created to thrive, not merely survive.  If you find yourself needing to upgrade some self-defeating beliefs, please reach out.  I’m here to support you in any way I can.  Often times it takes just a small tweak in direction to course-correct and bring you safely home where you belong: Love.  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie 

Why You Keep Overcommitting

I used to be a lot sweeter.  I used to say yes most of the time.  I used to jam pack my days into nights with everything from coffee/lunch meetings to work (obvi) to school to long phone conversations with friends in need to shows and dinners and…you get it—contained chaos.  

I worked so hard, yet simultaneously complained about feeling overwhelmed with little to show for it.  “What gives?”  I’d wonder this to myself more days than not.

Around age 34, I woke up to a cold, hard realization. It wasn’t pretty either.  I realized I was overcommitting to others out of fear and obligation and in the process, underserving myself.  I was playing small in my life due to one of two possible self-diagnoses (or probably both):

1) FOMO (fear of missing out) 

2) FOBA (fear of being alone)

Basically, fear and scarcity were running the show, which is really about self-worth, not time-management.  

I would drop everything to help others actualize their dreams, but when it came to pushing mine forward, I was the one missing in action.  I’d rather procrastinate the deep work of creating my vision in order to pick up the pieces for others around me.  It was an immediate, (if not false) hit of belonging straight to the old ego.  

I also found I wasn’t as sweet as I’d been letting on.  Behind the saccharine-laced veil, I was cynical and resentful, constantly comparing myself to others and critical of my inability to make something happen.    

So, I started making some changes.  I got more honest…less sweet.  I started taking forensic inventory as to what I wanted and shifted my priorities around to facilitate those things.  You know what I wanted? To be seen, heard, and to affect change in the world.  Baby step after baby step, I started waking up to these desires—and honoring them.  After all, no one else could ever do this for me.  Sure, I could put support in place, but I had to do the work.  And this “work" actually smelled like joy. 

Bumpy at best, I’m still on the journey, yet I’ve found greater congruence and confidence in this new way.  I’ve also found tons more time to appropriate to the meaningful relationships that matter most to me.  

Oh, but there’s something else you should know.  A reckoning of sorts took place.  That hit I mentioned earlier? Well, at the core of all my “overwhelm” that kept me spinning out of control was a gaping hole I was desperately trying to fill: my needs for love, acceptance, and belonging. 

I woke up to the unflattering reality that I was spread so thin in an effort to get these core needs met, and in the process, abandoned myself and my desires altogether leaving a bad aftertaste of resentment and utter discouragement.  

If you find yourself constantly overcommitting and overwhelmed, I’ve got good news for you: You can step off the treadmill at any time.  You can choose something different—something resonant and true for you.  But,  in order to see your dreams become reality, you must be willing to let go of some extra baggage:

1) The belief that other people need you more than you need you

2) Saying yes to too many social obligations to be nice and fit in

3) Staying busy to avoid your needs and desires

4) Toxic relationships that breed self-doubt 

5) Any reason that convinces you you don’t have what it takes (aka fear)

6) Comparison with others (Is all that screen time really necessary?)

7) Playing the victim when setbacks arise (and they will)

My hunch is, you want to be seen too.  I sure hope so—it's your birthright! You weren’t created to hide behind the agendas of other people.  You weren’t created to be nice.  You weren’t even created to be liked.  Let’s face it, you’re not for everyone.  You were created to be the most beautiful, bold, and true YOU imaginable.  Oh, she’s in there, alright.  And she’s a force of nature.  Yes, we need to see her.… 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

How to Beat the Winter Blues

It’s a broken record at the moment.  I can almost expect it both in conversations with friends and clients every single day.  Chances are, if you’re living in Nashville, you’ve thought it or said it out loud yourself.  I’m guilty as well.  

Drumroll, please?

“This weather is KILLING me!”  

Sure, it’s January.  What else should I expect but cold grey stretches that make me want to hole up, listen to Bon Iver circa 2008, drink excessive amounts of coffee, and write for hours in my journal?

There’s good reason for this.  The weather directly affects how we feel physically and emotionally and can wreak havoc on our overall experience in fall and winter months.  

I used to experience heightened levels of anxiety and depression every year when clocks fell back and the sun quit her day job at 4:30pm.  My motivation went on strike, healthy habits skipped town, and the feeling of loneliness was pervasive.  

Finally, I got desperate enough and took matters into my own hands.  I began advocating for my mental health because I knew no one else would.  Through personal research, therapy, and challenging my normal behavior each year,  I landed on some powerful tools that supported a more hopeful experience when the winter blues started creeping in.  

For starters, Seasonal depression is slang for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD…aptly).  It’s not  simply “depression light.”  It’s a subtype or specific kind of major depression that is symptomatic with the changing seasons, especially in fall and winter.  

There are obvious and not so obvious reasons for SAD.  The ones we all agree on are simple though: with less exposure to sunlight during the fall and winter months, our biological clock can often get pummeled, leaving depleted levels of serotonin, a brain chemical that helps govern and boost our mood, and melatonin, that gorgeous stuff of sleep.

If you experience a noticeable shift in mood, physical activity, patience for people, energy level, sleep, and desire to participate, keep reading.  Likewise, if you are a human being with a heartbeat, keep reading. I have a hunch someone in your life needs your grace and support because they suffer from SAD.

Here are 4 helpful tips I swear by:  

1) Routine

Structure is the sensitive soul’s best friend.  For me, this means intentionally planning out my days from week to week.  In fall and winter months, it’s starting a bit earlier so I can enjoy more sunlight, even just 30 minutes.  

When emotions whip us around, assuming their throne in the driver's seat of life, it can be so easy to slip into victim mentality, feeling powerless.  Having a set structure, or routine, for our day helps us reclaim the steering wheel.   

My morning ritual is everything to me.  It allows me time and space to practice the things that ground me like meditation, writing, and reading.  In the coming days and months, experiment by putting some new structures into place to facilitate a more ordered interior landscape.

2) Move

Daily Exercise has officially become my antidepressant of choice.  Hear me out, antidepressants can be a very helpful piece of the emotional puzzle when necessary. They definitely have for me along the way.  However, exercise is one of the most effective and proven ways to improve overall mood and stress levels. Getting a good sweat also helps us sleep more soundly.  

It’s tempting to let workouts trail off, but I say we fight for them.  Make it a daily routine if possible, like brushing your teeth. This isn’t about rigidity, it’s about shifting our norms to facilitate more energy and vitality.  Plus, there are tons of streaming workouts online when we simply don’t want to leave the house.  My personal favorite is Tracy Anderson’s Online Studio, a subscription-based method, and Yoga With Adrien, which is a free YouTube channel.

3) Avoid Numbing

I get it.  When depression sneaks in, we often lose our desire for the things we typically love to do.  We want to isolate, sleep, eat, drink, numb.  It’s so much easier, right?  

Numbing out may offer temporary relief for our pain, however, we forget that along with the negative feeling emotions, your numbing strategy of choice dulls the positive ones as well.  Happiness, excitement, and gratitude are harder to come by and we get thrown right back into the tangled thicket of depression once again.

4) Support

Replace the numbing with support.  Identify “safe people” who know and accept you where you are.  Make a list of two or three and reach out to them to let them know you’re struggling.  

If you don’t have said 2-3 people, a good place to start is therapy.  While I’m a big believer in individual therapy, finding a group therapy opportunity may be even more effective.  I offer several options and would love to support you in this season.  There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help.  It is a courageous act of self-compassion. 

Hang in there, friend.  Each day we inch toward one more minute of sunlight.  After all, spring is simply the payoff for all the deep soul work done during winter.  As Cheryl Strayed says, “The useless days will add up to something.  These things are your becoming.”  

Love & Gratitude,
Katie