Shifting Shadows with the Enneagram

I grew up in the crown jewel of the deep south, Mobile, AL.  We did many strange things like take ballroom dancing in fifth grade.  It was hands down the most awkward thing I’d experienced until then, and I’ve always felt at home on a dance floor.

This was different though. Kids from a couple of neighboring schools would gather on a Thursday night at 5 o’clock in a big gymnasium at St. Ignatius Catholic church and learn all the old-school couples dances like the fox trot, waltz, and others I’ve purposely erased from my memory.  The most unbearable part of it wasn’t learning the dances, it was learning the dances with the boys.  They were hyper, smelly, and had no rhythm.  They also thought they were beyond cool. 

My favorite part of the night was when I spotted my mom’s minivan headlights in the carpool line.  She’d swoop in and pick me up and we’d proceed to Checkers for the long-awaited chocolate milkshake(s).  I had to take the edge off somehow. 

Learning to dance with our shadow, or shameful parts can feel just as unpleasant.  They are those parts of us that we’d rather not talk about.  Early on, we learned to hide them from the world around us for acceptance—for survival.  They are the parts of you that if someone saw, they might ultimately reject.  You may be found out…and deemed unloveable. 

What are the shadow parts you’d rather forget about?  Is it depression, body shame, singleness, financial troubles, or even sexual trauma as a child? Whatever they are, much like the smelly boys at ballroom, we’ve got to learn to lean in, let go, and learn to dance with them.

The Enneagram is all about integration.  The less compartmentalized, or fragmented we are, the more integrated and whole we will become.  Just as we are made up of hundreds of different body parts, muscles, and organs, we also have so many different parts of our emotional, relational, and creative beings.

Oftentimes in therapy sessions with clients, these parts come up.  Take anxiety for example.  Anxiety is an emotion or part of us that can be immobilizing.  We often deal with it by numbing, fixing, or running from it.  Anxiety is really just a shadow part of us that needs compassion and understanding just like, say, the creative part of us.  When we stuff our anxiety and try to avoid it, we really just give it more power and as a result, create imbalance.

What might dancing with this anxious shadow look like?  Well, first of all, we must listen to and get to know it.  This allows us to cultivate empathy for that anxious part of us.  After all, she has been working overtime for a while now to keep us performing, staying safe, and “on the ball.”  

Shadow work is really a reckoning with parts of ourselves we’ve misjudged for a long time.  The payoff is wholeness—flow.  It’s realizing those parts we’ve been hiding for so long aren’t so terrible after all.  In fact, they end up being the best parts because they are the most thorough teachers.  

That anxious part of you desperately wants you to see her for who she really is: someone who deeply cares about your future, yet may go about it clumsily.  She wants you to sit with her, commune with her, and realize the worst thing that can happen isn’t so bad in the end because you have other resilient parts of you that can step in and take over when she needs to sit the next song out.  

Take a minute and visualize the part of you that you dislike, a lot.  Perhaps you feel guilty about this part or constantly judge it.  What does she look like?  What is she doing?  In the same minute, take one step towards her…then another, and another.  You left her alone a long time ago and she feels abandoned, even scared.  She knows you dislike her but she desperately longs to know you and play on the same team.  She needs you big time.  

If this feels completely terrifying, it should.  Your brain is freaking out because it has no idea what it’s doing.  Hang in there though, this is perhaps the most life-giving work you’ve ever done.  Dancing with shadows or smelly boys is probably not on your bucket list.  Oh but I bet I know what is…

Freedom.

Practicing Abundance in Relationships

There’s something worth noting about relationships: when stress levels and daily busyness rise, patience and grace for those closest to us take a sharp nosedive. It’s like a scientific law or something.

Let’s face it, there are times when our relationships fall prey to resentment and conflict.  

When we try to ‘do it all’ without maintaining space for our own wellbeing, our relationships take a hit. Ever noticed a slightly deflated reserve of patience for friends and family that otherwise wouldn’t phase you?  

I know I do.  

Rather than allow our critical mind to take over when we’re feeling overwhelmed, we need to take a step back and appreciate what is present, what is good, what is abundant. Focusing on what is creates room for empathy and compassion to take hold and boosts our relationships instead of driving a wedge between us and those we care about. 

Here is a question for you: how can you practice abundance in our relationships and in doing so, extend more grace?  

Practicing abundance in relationships may look different for you and me, however, here are a few quick ways to beef up our game:

• Choose to believe the absolute best about people when they disappoint or hurt your feelings. Try not to make assumptions about them.

• Intentionally cultivate positive, life-giving thoughts about people throughout the day whether it be a spouse, parent, co-worker, or friend.

• Draw boundaries for yourself both physically and emotionally throughout the season so as not to grow tired and clumsy with those closest to you.  Clear, firm boundaries allow us to love from a far more authentic space in relationships.  

• Be generous and intentional with your words.  I have a friend who always says, “If you see something beautiful in someone, speak it out.”  Our words are powerful and carry gravity in this relational and energetic world we live in, let’s practice abundance instead of scarcity with them.

Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, got it right when he succinctly wrote,

“Be impeccable with your word.  Don’t take anything personally.  Don’t make assumptions. Always do your best.”  

Grace is something curious—exquisite.  In my understanding, we don’t earn grace, yet we’ve all received it at some point along the way, without merit and without cause. Perhaps you know someone who extends grace to you in a way that feels expansive and incredibly safe. Draw from that light, create that welcoming space for a weary soul who needs a soft landing pad.  We simply don't know the struggles those around us face, especially when we're wrapped up in our own little world.

Practicing abundance with people isn’t just for them, it is for you and me as well.  Grace is a legacy never forgotten.  Llet’s pay it forward and give the gift of grace, just because.  

3 Tips for Detaching with Love

At the heart of co-dependency, or any addictive behavior, is the need to control.  In fact, co-dependency and control go together like peanut butter and jelly, turkey and dressing, or cake and ice cream.  

Last week we touched on the idea of detachment, or letting go of our need to control people, in order to enhance our relationships. 

At first glance, detachment sounds negative—uncaring.  After all, we talk in circles here on the blog about how vital connection and community are.  Isn’t detachment a slap in the face to such wholehearted pursuits? 

Well, no. Quite the contrary.  Detachment is actually incredibly loving, especially if you’re a recovering co-dependent like me.  I think of loving detachment in relationships as an integral way to set healthy boundaries and remain open to something greater than myself and my control.  To keep things simple, I’ve got three tips for you that may help you deepen your meaningful relationships and let go of the ones that feel chaotic—toxic even.  

1) Fools Rush In

We’re all guilty of making hasty decisions, especially in relationships.  However, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as of late is to let my yes be a hell yes.  In other words, we don’t have to have an immediate answer to another’s question or need right away.  Novel idea, right?  Have you ever found yourself habitually agreeing to take on responsibilities for another out of the goodness of your heart, yet became resentful towards them because you actually didn’t want to do it deep down inside?  Even though we want to blame them for the extra load, that’s on us! 

A good reminder here: give yourself plenty of time to respond to someone’s ask.  There’s no rule requiring us to respond right away.  “Let me think about it,” or “I’ll get back to you on that," are perfectly good options. 

2) Bring me a Higher Love

I love flying, and not just because I love to travel.  I actually love the luxurious perspective we gain by getting 30,000 feet up.  Above the traffic, speed limits, and sleepy stretches of driving, we gain generous insight only distance can lend.  You know where you came from and where you’re going.  There’s a skilled pilot in the cockpit doing all the heavy lifting, navigating, and planning.  He’s even going to land that plane. You’re the traveler. He’s the guide. 

One of the flimsy narratives we buy into when operating in co-dependent behavior in relationships is, “If I don’t intervene, or fix the situation, it will crash and burn. I might be abandoned, rejected, or both.”  In doing so, we play God. Detaching in love not only allows our Higher Power to be in control, it creates an opportunity for you and I to practice receptivity as opposed to manipulation.  Essentially, we are only able to truly receive with open hands—not clenched fists. 

3) Fix You 

Compassion doesn’t mean fixing. In fact, fixing others is fear-based and flimsy. It doesn’t stick. Instead, loving detachment allows us to see the truth of the situation and live in reality knowing each of us is responsible to and for ourselves. Sure, we can ask for help with that which becomes too heavy yet trying to fix another person or their problems is essentially taking away their opportunity for personal empowerment and growth.  Some say people don’t change. I heartily disagree. I believe people do change, however, not without burning desire. If I’m trying to fix you, how does your desire ever take flight? It’s weighted down by my agenda.  Detachment, letting go of the controlling death grip on others, gives our relationships a chance to bleed desire and grow in the petri dish of honesty and reality.

What do you need in order to practice more loving detachment in your relationships? Pray tell…

The Loving Practice of Detachment

Co-dependency.  We’ve all slung that word around a time or two.  Lord knows it gets a really bad rap, too.  Truth be told, I struggle with the word and overall label.  Why?  Because I believe humans, by nature, are needy creatures.  Straight out of the womb, we wouldn’t make it very long without the nourishment and care of parents, guardians, and loving community.  I don’t think this is an accident.  I think it’s a beautiful model for the primal humility baked into our human expression.  It’s the purest version of vulnerability in my mind.  Survival requires connectedness in relationship.

And yet growth, maturity, and adulthood require a measure of responsibility and individuation in order to balance this developmental process, continue parenting ourselves and truly thrive.  This process is based on loving trust built with ourselves and others.

Sounds so easy, right?

In my experience, not so much.  It's a bit more complicated than earning a college degree, reading a flow chart, or getting a driver’s license.  This new-found responsibility of adulting—in essence, freedom—comes with all sorts of complicated emotions.  At the center of them is a deep, loud longing for acceptance—for love. 

Many of us learned early on exactly how to get this need for acceptance met by shape-shifting in order to please others.  If I do or say what makes you feel good, this in turn will give me entrance into that grand room of belonging.  Call it people-pleasing, call it co-dependency, call it whatever you want.  At its core, it’s really just dishonesty and manipulation.

I suppose here’s where I draw the line: we all have the God-given birthright to have needs and wants and get them met by asking for help.  When I feel lonely, I need to reach out and connect with safe people.  Again, being needy is a human thing not a weak thing.  However, when our internal well-being and sense of belonging is propped up by external circumstances, especially the agenda or approval of others, that line gets blurred real fast. 

When I’m feeling insecure, I tend to slip into this brand of co-dependency.  For example, I’ll do unnecessary damage control after having a difficult conversation or interaction with a friend.  Or there’s the classic over-explaining after I’ve set a healthy boundary for myself in order to soften the blow to someone else or bypass any possible friction.    

We tend to mistake this controlling behavior for care and kindness.  No dice.  Why?  Because it’s based in fear and scarcity.  Worrying, manipulating, and controlling behavior only hijacks another’s process, and in doing so, steals their opportunity for emotional exploration and growth.  Not only that, we basically assume a "God" role.  We buy into thinking, "It's all up to me to move the needle forward."  Last time I checked, God doesn’t need my expertise, no matter how well-intentioned. 

As we grow in self-awareness and compassion, letting go and detaching in love is crucial.  Though it seems counterintuitive and heartless, detachment is a deeply loving practice.   

How do we practice this?  What does that look like?  Yes, it’s coming.  

Stay tuned for next week’s installment.  We’re going to practically explore healthy detachment step by step.   

(See what I did there? 😉)

Three Ways the Enneagram Can Help Your Marriage

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, so I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite ways the enneagram has supported my marriage.

Thankfully, I’d known about the Enneagram long before I got married, however, as I’ve devoted myself to it as a student and practitioner, I’ve been able to really put it to good use within the context of relationship.  

My ever-patient husband, Daniel, was quickly introduced to the Enneagram on…let’s say…date two.  So out of the gate, I’m sure he was one part amused and two parts annoyed that someone was trying to figure him out to this degree.  

Initially, I thought he was a type 1, the Perfectionist, due to his keen attention to detail, how highly people spoke of his character and integrity, his desire to constantly improve things around him, and….you guessed it… his heartfelt “suggestions” for my dishwasher loading non-skills. Apparently, there was a glaring right way to do it and I was not hip to it.  

Ahhh, but then several months later, while reading Beatrice Chestnut’s 9 Styles of Enneagram Leadership aloud to him on an overcast Sunday afternoon (I know…so romantic), he resonated strongly with the social subtype within type nine.  Not totally convinced, I went along with it.  

As a flaming type four, I was just tickled pink he humored my deep Enneagram enthusiasm.  I felt seen.  

A few years later, (yes, sometimes it takes that long to figure it out folks), he tagged along with me to an Enneagram workshop for therapists I was teaching in D.C.  After a morning of total immersion, we were heading to a celebratory lunch.  

In his understated way, he dropped a bomb on me. “So, I’m pretty sure I’m a 5 (the Observer), not a 9.”

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

After a stunning aha moment and some long and slow breaths, it started to make sense.  “How could I have missed this?” I muttered.  I had to sit with this new insight for weeks, but eventually it all checked out.  While I don’t have time and space to unpack it all here (book coming soon!), suffice it to say, so many holes in the story of our relationship got filled in with understanding and compassion where there had been confusion and often hurt.  

It helped me heal my type four insecurities I’d carried into the relationship that initially became worse due to his lack of verbal affirmation.  I wanted a gusher. I got a strong, silent type.  I never doubted his love for me, but my percieved feeling of his witholding was actually him preserving time, energy and emotion in step with his type 5 tendency.  

Now it made sense he knew all the things about all the things!!! Why he loved spending time (alone) reading instruction manuals—pouring over books about succulents, the Battle of Nashville, recording gear, obscure facts about the Beatles, and the best value around on a stroller.  His favorite show is How It’s Made for Pete’s sake!

Beyond all those character traits, what really struck me was the story of type 5’s—his why—that explained so much. 

So, here are three ways it really helped us:

1. The Enneagram revealed the obvious nature of how differently we saw the world.  I’m a 4 and Daniel is a 5. This hit home that our respective ways of seeing and moving through the world were not necessarily normal—but different.  A slow meditation in humility if you ask me.  

2. To draw on attachment styles in relationship, we learned we both had avoidant styles of conflict as 4’s, 5’s, & 9’s are all withdrawing types. So, when the stresses of marriage mounted, we withdrew instead of assertively addressing the issue at hand.  This could become a pressure cooker for resentment if we weren’t aware what was happening. 

3. Part of “doing the work” of marriage requires committing to the study of their Enneagram type in order to fully understand how and why they think, feel, and act in the world, as well as how they show up in relationships.  I am now extra super well-versed in all things type 5. :)
   
   BONUS: Don’t forget…

4. It’s crucial to understand the suffering of each other’s type.  This identifies the early wounds the defensive structure of their personality was built around in order to survive.  It also provides information around what triggers stress and insecurity in each other.  

If you’re interested in using the Enneagram as a tool in therapy with your spouse or partner, I’d love to support you.  It’s not a magic pill, but it is a game-changing blueprint with which to build loving relationship with.