When All Else Fails, Try This...

When you and I have the luxury of perspective, we are able to see what is true and in alignment with the truth of who we are. It’s kind of like being 30,000 feet up, looking down below to a distant terrain with toy-like homes, buildings, and other signs of life. We can see life for what it is as opposed to feeling stuck in the middle...enmeshed with the sticky mess of our thoughts, feelings, and projections.

Every day we have the opportunity to choose alignment with our higher selves—our divinity. Interestingly, small children are incredibly in touch with their divinity. As we “grow up,” we lose touch with this inherent value and beauty. Some days we are able to access this virtue, aligning with the truth of who God made us. Other days this remembrance feels impossible.

The days when it feels difficult to connect to the greater story of our truth are the days we often fall victim to tidal wave-like depression, anxiety, and other all-consuming emotions. These days seem to defy our ability to make sense of the world. I’m no stranger to these days that often turn into seasons.

We know in our head what is true, but the conviction of our heart is weak.

In these seasons, the work is simply this: to learn to hold ourselves with care and compassion, minute to minute, day by day. This, and to reach out to a safe person who knows how to listen—not prescribe.

This is the passage of self-compassion through the dark night of the soul. Though it feels never-ending, it is not final—no feeling is.

As a therapist and client very familiar with these complex seasons, I can confidently stand in the gap as you or someone you love navigates these waters. If 2020 has given us a gift, it is the normalization of seeking help for mental health and emotional distress. It may be time to receive this gift, reaching out for extra support as you sit in a space of chaos and fear.

This post is for anyone who feels like putting one foot in front of the other is impossible. Take heart, dear one, this too shall pass.

As Mr. Rogers said, these are the times to “Look for the helpers.“

Please reach out if you need help connecting to extra support right now. 

Love & Gratiitude,

Katie

I Wish I Had Known This at Twenty-Five

What piece of advice would you give your 25-year-old self? Sure, she may not have listened, but like any loving parent, you do what you can to steer your children in the right direction. That head-strong seeker was only doing her best. And yet today, you have matured into the space of a bit more perspective and balance. You have a lot to offer your younger, stubborn self.

Me? I would have a spirited come-to-Jesus about how to relax into the unknown one brave and wobbly step at a time. I’d tell her that having all the answers isn’t half as important as asking honest questions.

Specifically, I’d love for her to understand what it means to have a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed one. Less either-or and more both-and.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve been all too familiar with what it means to have a fixed mindset. Let me explain. A fixed mindset is a way of thinking that is rigid and narrow. It’s all about pass or fail, win or lose, good or bad, black and white. It’s rooted in judgment rather than curiosity. It’s refusing to take myself on a brisk 20-minute walk because I didn’t have enough time to do my hour-plus high-intensity workout.

Here’s another example, you have your 6-month review at work. Your boss gives you high marks in several areas but points out one specific necessary improvement in your performance on a big project. 

A fixed mindset self-criticizes, labeling your performance as a failure. It disregards the praise and zeros in on the area of improvement. 

A growth mindset celebrates positive feedback and understands the value of constructive criticism for future success. It sees life as a slew of peaks and valleys all leading to personal evolution and expansion.

A growth mindset is the Petrie dish that breeds resilience. Whereas a fixed approach creates rigidity, closing us off from abundance and opportunity.

This isn’t about glossing over reality. It’s about softening your approach to the inevitable ebbs and flow of life.

Spend some time this week pondering this:

• What area of your life could you stand to soften into? 

• Is it your relationship with food, your body, parenting, or work? 

• Is it your self-care? 

Whatever it may be, I believe a great way to find out is to pay attention to our self-talk, that often nagging inner critic that rages on, involuntarily.

Write it all down.

I love what Tara Mohr says, “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.”

Love & Gratiitude,

Katie

Your Handbook for Navigating Seasonal Depression

For some, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.  We’ve been patiently waiting on the edge of our seats since Home Depot rolled out their Halloween decorations back mid-August.  The anticipation of fall weather, the slew of heavy-hitting holidays, the countless excuses to consume creative forms of sugary carbs at every turn, the invasion of busyness, what have you.

For others of us, this season is painfully sad—even frightful.  The days get shorter, precious sunlight is snuffed out hours earlier, physical energy is drained, and loneliness rolls in like dark, bulbous clouds before a hurricane.  

I have definitely experienced more of the latter.  Seasonal depression is slang for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD…aptly).  It’s not “depression light” and it shouldn’t be dumbed down to the “winter blues” either.  It is a subtype or specific kind of major depression that is symptomatic with the changing seasons, especially fall and winter months.  

There is so much pressure to be “merry and bright” leading up to the holidays, which can really leave those of us seasonally-challenged feeling misunderstood, if not pissed off.  

In my experience, I remember years when all I could think about was surviving the weeks and months of cold and dark—Thanksgiving and Christmas were simply another reminder that I felt so alone and afraid.  Afraid of what?  Perhaps afraid that there was something wrong with me or it would always be this way.  Or maybe I was scared of being untethered and insecure in life.  Whatever the reason, I just wanted to get through it all and land safely on the other side when the days would contract even just a minute or two each day.  

I’ve been pretty open about my experience with depression, so you might guess that those of us who deal with major depression also deal with SAD.  This can be true but doesn’t have to be.  Similar to Postpartum depression, existing depression doesn’t always set the stage.  Oftentimes, they do go hand-in-hand.

It was always so helpful for me to know that I wasn’t alone in my struggle with SAD, or ongoing depression for that matter.  That said, I want to open up the dialog here today and cut through all the fluffy expectations we fall prey to around this time of year as well as drop some helpful ways to readjust and navigate the season a bit differently.  

If you experience a noticeable shift in mood, physical activity, patience for people, energy level, sleep, and desire to participate...keep reading.  If you are a human being with a heartbeat...keep reading. I have a hunch someone in your life needs your grace and support because they suffer from SAD.  

There are obvious and not so obvious reasons for SAD.  The ones we all agree on are simple though: with less exposure to sunlight during the fall and winter months, our biological clock can often get pummeled, leaving depleted levels of serotonin (a brain chemical that helps govern and boost our mood) and melatonin...that gorgeous stuff of sleep.  

I’m hugely light-sensitive.  Visualize that bratty kid who screams at the top of her lungs when she stubs her big toe.  Yep, that’s about my pain tolerance to diminishing light. Even walking into a dark house at the end of the day can viscerally affect my mood.  Windows are also my best friend.  I’m a total extrovert when it comes to windows—the more the merrier. 

So, when the world goes dark around 4:30 pm, you better believe I’ve learned to emotionally rearrange my experience after 41 years. 

Here are some helpful tools I’ve come to rely on in the dim days ahead.

Routine

Structure is the sensitive soul’s best friend.  Oh, how I’ve come to love structure.  For me, this looks like intentionally planning out my days from week to week.  In the fall and winter months, it looks like starting a bit earlier so I can enjoy more sunlight, even just 30 minutes.  

When emotions whip us around, taking their throne in the driver seat of life, it can be so easy to slip into the victim mentality, feeling powerless.  Having a set structure, or routine for our days helps us reclaim the steering wheel.  

My morning ritual is everything to me.  It allows me time and space to practice the things that ground me like meditation, writing and reading.  In the coming days and months, experiment by putting some new structures into place to facilitate a more ordered interior landscape.

Exercise

Exercise has officially become my antidepressant of choice throughout my lifetime.  Hear me out, antidepressants can be a very helpful piece in the emotional puzzle when necessary, they most definitely have for me in dark places along the way.  However, exercise is one of the most effective and proven ways there is of improving overall mood and stress levels.  Getting a good sweat also helps us sleep more soundly.  

It’s tempting to let workouts trail off around the holidays, but I say we fight for them.  Make it a daily routine, like brushing your teeth. We owe it to ourselves.  Procrastinate that leftover apple crumb cake, it will still be there on the other side.  

Avoid Numbing

I get it.  When depression sneaks in, we often lose a desire for the things we typically love to do.  We want to isolate, sleep, numb.  It’s so much easier, right?  

Couple this with the fact that these coming months are like an open invitation to indulge whether that be with food, booze, online shopping, social media, you name it.  There may be a temporary relief to our pain, however, we're also numbing positive emotions as well.  Happiness, excitement, and gratitude are harder to come by and we get thrown right back into the tangled thicket of depression once again.

Support

So rather than numb, reach out.  This time of year can indeed be a wonderful time of year when we reach out for the support we need.  Identify “safe people” who know and accept you where you are.  Make a list of two or three and reach out to them and let them know your struggle with SAD.  

If you don’t have said 2-3 people, a good place to start is therapy.  I can count several times I relied heavily on my therapist for support during these crucial months when all of the “stuff” listed above seemed impossible.  There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help.  It is a courageous act of self-compassion.  

I’m here for you on this journey.  Again, you’re not alone.  This is all part of learning to trust the process, even when hope feels distant and the light grows dim.  There is a bold light within you, this may be the perfect opportunity to find its glow. 

Love & Grace,

Katie

Resilience: The Ultimate Life Hack

Do you ever get discouraged because you feel like you can’t seem to get unstuck? Maybe you’ve tried therapy or read some self-help books and they bring relief temporarily but leave you wanting in the long run? 

Or, perhaps you make progress along the way yet inevitably find yourself bumping up against the same flipping roadblocks, over and over.  

If your hand is raised, you’re in good company.  I’m here for it too.

I’m reminded that we aren’t here to finally get it right—to one day fully “arrive” and have it all figured out.  If that is your goal, I hate to break it to you, you’re hosed.  

As humans, we have something undeniable in common.  We are imperfect—flawed at best.

I don’t believe we ever fully arrive.  I believe we get good at resilience.  

Resilience is simply the ability to recover (quickly) from difficulty.  

The problem is when we get so thrown off our game, we stay down too long, and in doing so, become calloused or defined by our struggle.  

So how do we become more resilient?  If this is the secret to moving through life with more ease and confidence, how do we condition ourselves to get back up after the fall, no matter how many times we stumble?

I believe we must reframe failure.  Instead of seeing it as an ending, we must see it as an opening.  Instead of seeing it as a personal blow, we must see it as a wise teacher who comes around from time to time.  She has way more to say than her distant cousin, Success.  

I know, Success is far prettier, but Failure is more than meets the eye. She has a depth and insight about her that comes from the humility only difficulty can form.  

So next time you feel stuck, broken, or discouraged, I pray you won’t lose heart.  Instead, perhaps the invitation to sit with yourself in the space—to hold yourself in kindness—and to speak to yourself with patience, will become the strongest parts of you.  Perhaps they will be the conditioning that over time, just like a muscle—grows bigger and more pronounced.  

Perhaps the goal will not become perfection…but excellence tethered in compassionate resilience.  

Love & Grace,

Katie

5 Things to Consider When Seeking An Enneagram Therapist

Finding a therapist is tricky.  Or, rather, it can be.  If 2020 has given us a gift, it has been the normalization and heightened conversation around mental health wrapped up in one whacky bow.  Sure, physical health has been at the forefront of every news channel, commercial, blog post, and email.  I’ve been grateful for the inextricable link those sources have made between our bodies and emotions. 

I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by the overwhelming number of online inquiries I’ve received from those seeking out therapists who use the Enneagram in their work with clients.  As someone who knew about the Enneagram before I went to grad school to become a therapist, I’m passionate about honoring the system—using it with the care and respect with which it was meant to be handled.  In my mind, it is the most powerful spiritual and psychological tool we have access to.  To reduce it to a personality test that stays on the surface of type is such a shame!  It’s like ordering chicken tenders to-go at a 5-star Michelin restaurant.   

In light of this, I wanted to put a quick little cheat sheet together.  Something you can tuck away in your back pocket if you think you might be in the market for a therapist.  With the holidays approaching and our sideways world kicking up all kinds of emotions, it might just come in handy.  Here are my top 5 tips for finding an Enneagram therapist:

1. Holding Space: Whereas formal Enneagram training and certifications are ideal, I believe having a therapist who is an expert in holding space for you and your story is more important than touting a ton of knowledge on the topic.  After all, that is hopefully what we will get better and better at while using the Enneagram: creating more space to observe ourselves and surroundings so we can respond rather than react.  The best therapists are the best space holders.  

2. Type Structure: Find someone who understands and appreciates type structure, or the deeper parts of what it means to be your type, rather than someone who stays on the surface of personality traits.  The Enneagram is all about the deeper motivation rather than mere behaviors and tendencies.  Transformation comes when we seek healing and change from the root. 

3. Somatic: The Enneagram is a holistic program covering Mind-Body-Heart.  It’s one of the reasons I love it so much.  Each type has a somatic profile that is so important to the makeup of type structure.  I believe having a therapist that really gets the importance of somatic work within the Enneagram construct is amazing and worth searching for.  The body is a storehouse of information as it pertains to our healing and self-understanding.  

4. Contemplative practice:  Much of Enneagram application is built on contemplative practice.  Not only is it key to find someone who can support you in building this out through meditation, yoga, or other forms of mindfulness, look for a therapist who has a strong practice of their own.  

5. Narrative: Bringing our personal narratives into any type of psychotherapy is necessary.  Finding someone who appreciates type through a narrative lens is so powerful as well.  We understand type in order to identify the parts of our story that are stuck and need editing.  I believe we are all constantly writing and re-writing our stories.  The Enneagram undoubtedly supports this process. 

Alright friends! I hope this was helpful.  If you get stuck along the way, you know where to find me!

Love & Grace,

Katie