Why Comparative Suffering Doesn't Work

How are you doing? The operative word here is “you.” Not your neighbor, not your grandmother, not your best friend who’s a nurse working on the front lines down at the hospital. I want to know about you.

Oh, and there’s another caveat. I don’t want you to qualify it with gratitude or downplay it with shame. That’s flat out exhausting.

I’m talking about comparative suffering here, a phrase Brené Brown made uber popular when she poignantly talked about it on her podcast, Unlocking Us, earlier this year. By the way, if you haven’t dipped into that program, you’re missing out. It’s so powerful.

Yet, I want to share a bit of my experience with comparative suffering from a psychotherapist’s perspective as opposed to a researcher’s. It’s honestly, very simply...

A crapshoot.

No really, it might be the top broken record of 2020. “My pain is a 5, her pain is a 12. So, mine doesn’t really matter.”  The logic is tempting, and yet it’s just flat out problematic.

As a refresher, comparative suffering is basically when you compare or rank your suffering with that of another’s, the other’s typically being more pronounced or overt.

For example, “I really shouldn’t complain. I still have my job, I’m healthy, and have my family here with me. I see so many on the news that are out of work and can’t pay their mortgage. But the truth is I’m lonely and afraid.”

Are you guilty of comparative suffering? (I know I am.)

And yet it doesn’t lessen the blow of suffering for someone else if you and I ignore our story, and the pain we feel, whatever our situation may be. By depriving yourself of acknowledgment and compassion, you’re not helping anyone—period.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

When you acknowledge your suffering, name it, and practice self-compassion, you’re processing the reality of your situation which helps you move through it. As you practice this brand of kindness towards yourself, you’re activating more love and energy to focus in the direction of others.

Ignoring your suffering is dangerous territory because, just like a physical wound, if we don’t create an environment for healing, it will only metastasize, and become a much larger problem down the road.

Dr. Brown explains, “there is no shortage of empathy.” It actually grows the more we practice vulnerability by consciously processing our painful emotions. That word is so important—consciously. We do need to practice awareness, maintaining a global outlook, as we grapple with suffering. Perspective is our friend right now. And yet your pain is part of your story. Owning our story as humans gives us agency to write a new ending.

And so, my friend, we absolutely must hold ourselves in love no matter what our circumstance looks like. Yes, our stories look different, and yet pain is a non-negotiable in this life. We can’t opt-out. Let’s commit to honoring and processing the pain of our stories with safe people we trust and maintaining an outward flow of love and empathy to others in need.

It’s that both-and thing again...

Love & Grace,

Katie

It's Dig Deep Time

This time of year is always a favorite of mine. There’s a different, punchy energy that swirls around, and like clockwork, it starts the minute Starbucks rolls out their anticipated Pumpkin Spice Latte after Labor Day. It’s like the world exhales with relief and excitement as tastebuds await that first syrupy sip of warm and frothy fall sliding down the hatch. Viola! The season of golden, crunchy leaves is officially upon us. Full steam ahead!

Wait a minute. The record screeches to a halt as reality sets in and reminds us all that it’s still 2020 and we’re still juggling way more—emotionally, mentally, even physically—than ever before. The dance of the pumpkin spice fairies will have to wait. 2021? Are you listening? Is anybody there?

Okay, okay, forgive the sarcasm. And yet as a new mom, therapist, and human being wired for connection, I’d say this fall presents many with a different brand of anticipation. So many have suffered loss in every shade of grey and are asking themselves: How will the kids fair with distance learning? Will I still have a job come October? How will we stay healthy and safe? And pay our bills? Where can I find support for this intense depression and anxiety?

Friends, we are in the midst of what I call a “dig deep time.” It’s a time where we must become best friends with a new girl we may not have ever really noticed before. She is patient and kind. She is slow to criticize and quick to listen. She’s always available. When we want to react out of stress and charged emotion, she simply pauses, breathes, and provides a grounded response.

Her name is Grace, and she is making it possible for us all to get through the day(s), week(s), and month(s).

You and I did nothing to deserve her, and that’s the beauty of it all. She’s there for us just because we have citizenship as human beings here on earth.

When it’s dig deep time, we appeal to our higher selves—the ones that require us to grow beyond our ego—all the mechanisms of our control—and open up to a powerful, abundant hope that requires some intentionality and focus.

I’m reminded of Michele Obama’s famed words, “When they go low, we go high.” That’s what dig deep time is. It’s trusting our process enough to let go of fear and lean into Grace when all you want to do is go hide in your closet with a bottle of Pinot Noir and the Halloween candy you just picked up at Kroger.

Here's some good news for you: we are all in this together. I know, it sounds trite and overused, yet it is one of the pillars of self-compassion. The other two are mindfulness and kindness. Our shared human frailty is what connects us right now and that massive reminder alone helps me find the courage to choose Grace. We are in the midst of a test of consciousness. It’s like our hardwiring is experiencing a transformational upgrade...if we let it.

A question I’ve been considering a lot lately: How does love show itself through me today?

If you aren’t quite sure and need a little nudge…just ask Grace.

Love & Grace,

Katie

Before You Start Something, Try This...

This past Friday, I did a fun little thing. I filmed an Enneagram video series I can’t wait to tell you more about. It was so much fun and I was reminded of just how much I believe in the Enneagram as a tool to truly understand and care for ourselves like never before.

To tee it up, I want to unpack something with you here as a little self-care appetizer of sorts. After all, I really do believe in this stuff and have been changed from the inside out as I’ve put these tools and practices to work in my life throughout the last decade. I selfishly want you to know and love them too!

There’s one caveat though—before we start any type of self-care regimen, I believe it’s important to lay some groundwork in order to build a strong foundation so it will stick.

As the Enneagram teaches us responsiveness rather than reactivity, I believe this is true not just with how we navigate experiences in life, I believe it’s true as we start a new self-care plan.

I believe the big reason our grand schemes for change and improvement don’t work is simple: we don’t build a strong foundation first. By this I mean, we don’t do what’s necessary to understand ourselves and why we want to see change in the first place. Typically, we just don’t feel good or we think we need something external to fix whatever feels broken inside in order to attain self-acceptance and love.

And that’s the kicker. It’s why we don’t sustain lasting, life-giving change: we are working against instead of with. We are trying to fix rather than understand. We are looking to escape rather than truly connect.

Well, Lovely, let me be the one to tell you you don’t need fixing...you actually have everything right inside of you to thrive. You lack NOTHING.

And that’s where we start. From a place of wholeness, not lack. That is the magical, sacred, special sauce that we all need a heavy dose of before we dive headfirst in the direction of our desires.

Self-care and compassion must be built on the firm foundation of a wholeness mindset that says, “I am loved” or "I open up to Love.” After all, you were born into this world as pure essence—as love. Sure, we inevitably fall and get scraped up along the way, however, it doesn’t change the simple truth that our first foundation is one of love, not lack.

And so, we sure up the foundation. We mend the shaky parts. We ask ourselves, “How can I harness 5% more of the original loving essence that is my birthright?”

That’s our baseline work. To practice living into the love that is already there so the building blocks of self-care and compassion will stick.

It’s so simple, and yet we often overcomplicate it. You are called to shine brightly in love. This is the place we thrive from.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

The Story of You

When was the last time you thought of yourself as “the artist of your days” as John O’Donohue handily puts it?

Me? Not very often.

In fact, I feel most days, the ballot’s still out depending on the quality of sleep I got the night before, the strength of my morning coffee, and the rigor of my to-do list.

Wait a minute, though. That feels victim-y and weak?? Hmm, perhaps. Yet, no matter how much A-Game we tackle our days with, we can all fall into that trap. 

Why? Because we live out of stories. Hundreds of thousands of stories we make up about ourselves and our lives every single day.

Part of our work in self-development and therapy (especially when using the Enneagram) is to wake up to the stories we’ve been living out of, albeit unconsciously, for a very long time.

Often these stories are limiting, keeping us cramped and fixated in ways that hold us back from our fullest potential.

It took landing myself at Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital for a week after a scary encounter with debilitating depression and resulting amnesia to wake up to the fact that my story was, indeed, no longer working for me. That rock bottom crash shook me to the core. Finally, I knew I needed to begin to write a new story—something kind and compassionate—something true.

And I did.

The Enneagram has been a big part of this shift. I believe it can be for you as well.

Here’s even better news: you don’t have to check in to your nearest psychiatric hospital to experience this wake-up call and resulting transformation. I believe it awaits you now, as you read these words and go about your day.

Here’s the deal though: waking up can be stressful. It’s far easier to coast through life unaware. (Well, until it’s not.)

We all need support on this path of transformation. We need light and encouragement to help us get from where we’ve been to where we long to go. I believe we’re all on a similar journey in that we want to go home—home to the truth of who we are—home to all God has for us.

If you feel stuck in the story you’ve been living, you’re not alone. You don’t have to figure it all out from here, either. I’d love for you to join me in the coming months as we take a long, soft look at the story we’ve been living out of. I think we could all use some editing. After all, I’m convinced you are the Hero of your story, not the victim.

As for me, I’d love to serve you as a guide. It’s time to write the next chapter. 

But first, you must decide...are you ready?

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

My Favorite Rookie Mistake

I grew up worshiping Sheryl Crow. She embodied brilliant writer, instrumentalist, singer, and entertainer all in one while looking really strong and sure of herself along the way.  

But when I listened to an interview with her on NPR, I learned of a much different, fragile side of Ms. Crow. She admitted a lifelong battle with self-doubt and depression. She even went so far as to say this larger than life persona she’d created over the years felt paper-thin and contrary to the reality of her own broken self-image.

Guess what? You and I are no different (well, besides the arsenal of Grammy’s perhaps). We learned early on which masks looked really good on us that would also double as a protective shield. They would help us show up and be seen on this daunting stage called life.  

After all, the word personality is derived from the Greek word, “persona”, which means “mask”.  We all wear certain masks of personality to protect ourselves from rejection and failure—to be liked. 

Your personality is NOT a bad thing either! It’s one of the loveliest things about you.  

But when we over-identify with that mask we lose touch with the reality of who we are—the authentic essential self.  

I believe the Enneagram is one of the best, most accessible tools for self-understanding. It serves as a roadmap, guiding us on the journey of self-discovery and relational growth.

We make one whopping mistake with the Enneagram, though.  Just as we over-identify with certain personality traits or masks we wear, we can also hugely over-identify with the classic and obtuse characteristics of our specific number or “type.”  

We attach to the safe constructs of this number as opposed to allowing it to help us “unlearn” certain behaviors that got us into trouble in the first place.  

For example, when I first discovered I was a four on the Enneagram (the Romantic), it was like someone had given me a handbook, or a language, for all the reasons I do what I do. The melancholic tendencies, the shame, the need to be special, the obsession with aesthetic, all of it! I thought I was just crazy all those years!?! (Ballot's still out there).  

Finally, I had insight into the complex story I’d been living out of

Initially though, instead of allowing this insight to help me shed the unhelpful parts of my personality, I took the information and completely indulged in it. Instead of “I’m Katie, and I identify with type four on the Enneagram,” it was, “I’m a four. Oh, and my name is Katie.” 

Are you tracking?  

In essence, if you are letting your type define you as opposed to allowing it to unlock the beauty and nuance of your purest, truest self, you’re still hiding in a box.  

Don’t worry, it’s my favorite mistake too. I camped out in Four Land for a good five years before I understood how much bigger and more powerful the Enneagram really is.  

It doesn’t want to type you just to leave you there. It wants to guide you home to wholehearted living without the entrapments of all those fearful masks.  

Here's the thing: You are in a league of your own. You're more than a number or a type on any personality indicator. Thankfully though, this gift of the Enneagram can support you in discovering all the intricacy, uniqueness, and power that lies outside the box and inside of you.  I'm pretty thrilled I get to support you as well. 

Love & Gratitude,

Katie