Failure (ish) – Beauty in the Breakdown Pt. 1

Last Monday I took the NCMHCE (National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam) for the second time. Last Monday I also failed it for the second time. Ouch. I know. Not only did I study literallydaily for three months—a miracle in and of itself as I am a chronic procrastinator and rarely study for stuff—BUT; I shelled out some serious cash twice to take the rugged thing. If I were going into the counseling business to make money, I would surely have pursued the licensure/testing realm of it instead of the practitioner side of it. Those people must make serious bank.  

SUCCESS IS WALKING FROM FAILURE TO FAILURE WITH NO LESS ENTHUSIASM.

– Winston Churchill

All of this aside, perhaps the most humiliating part of the experience is that people want to know how I did, friends and colleagues alike. These are people I admire, and who actually like me and are interested in me too—well, maybe. Talk about a tragic and shameful ego splattering all over the kitchen floor. Upon receiving the heartless print out reading “FAIL” across the top, I said some choice words loudly (sorry Mom), and bawled my eyes out all the way from that sterile, fluorescent-lit lobby in Brentwood to the dark side of the covers on my bed. Yep, I was going under. Even as I sit writing these words I realize God’s wry sense of humor, thinking back to my last blog that oozed of Self-Compassion. Self-What?  Yeah, not that day.  The screwtape sessions of my inner dialog sliced up any shred of kindness or understanding they could find.  

If you sense a bit of drama here and immediately think of those infomercials where they take a minuscule rash or burn and blow it up like a blimp to show how well their magical product works for dramatic effect, well, you might be onto something. As I’ve gotten a bit of space from that fragile state, I realize perspective gently sheds light on what is really true and important. So, if you can in any way identify with my experience, I ask you to put yourself in my shoes and think about how a similar experience of your own might have felt.  

What is failure anyway? And who holds the failure stick to determine if we pass go and proceed to Space Mountain or if we’re stuck with Grandma slowly getting dizzy on It’s a Small World? (Is it just me or was that ride strangely disturbing for anyone?). Seriously though, are we damned to failure every time we don’t meet a set of perceived expectations?  

Perhaps, if we are curious enough, we’ll find an open window letting in the light to more truth and opportunity on the other side of the fall?  

I know, I know, as my five-year-old behavior models, it is a far cry (no pun intended) to act out of a grounded self-awareness when we sit in the hot seat of our painful rejection. What I have learned is when we are triggered emotionally—just as I was after my test bomb—a fiery signal originates in the amygdala, the primal/survival part of our brain, and sends all kinds of emotions rushing through our bodies. Unfortunately, we hasten to make paralyzing self-judgments based on a surge of hormonal energy coursing through our bodies. 

Without making this an anatomy lesson I am unqualified to give, I want to leave you with some homework. For now, I want you to consider one simple word as you go about your days. Don’t overthink it or analyze it…just consider it. Your word is curiosity. 

What comes up for you when you notice that word? Intrigue, familiarity, enjoyment, frustration? Whatever it is…I believe it is important. Curiosity has been powerful for me this year in that it shifts me away from harsh judgment and nudges me toward empathy and openness. 

Try it on for size and let me know how it fits…

Love,

Katie

Happy New Year – A Note on Goals

Happy New Year, friends! I write this with great expectancy and anticipation for a beautiful 2016. It seems as though the first several weeks of January bring a sparkling hope and determination to get back in the gym, learn a new instrument, back off from bad habits, and maybe even practice a bit more self-care and awareness. Some call these New Year’s resolutions; I like to call them goals. For whatever reason, goals seem easier to stick with and far less daunting. Whatever matter of wording serve your process best, I want to communicate my deep longing to support you in them this year.

Personally, 2015 was one for the books—a truly unforgettable year! After years of slowly building my practice and working several odd jobs along the way, I finally reached a pivotal point of streamlining all of my time and focus into my three loves: private practice, music, and writing. This leap was scary at first; however, it has proven to be the right move as the net of opportunity and provision have met me in mid-air. This would not have been possible had you not trusted me as part of your journey to wholeness AND believed in me enough to refer peers and loved ones as well. For this I cannot thank you enough.

When I say it is an honor to journey with you I cringe by its seeming triteness! I’m overwhelmed with pure gratitude for you and am in awe of your story. I am humbled by your courage to reach out for extra light and support—that is one of the most vulnerable things we can do as humans. I am inspired by your beauty and uniqueness; you are so very special and I love holding the space for you to embrace the inner wisdom that paves the road to increased acceptance and joy. So again, thank you for making the precious investment in therapy and for sharing your truly magnificent lives with me in 2015.

2015 was also a year of huge blessing in that I got engaged after many, many years of waiting. Finding someone who loves me unconditionally AND challenges me to be the best version of myself is a miraculous gift—and one definitely worth the wait. Contrary to the wildly romantic ideas of the classic movie Jerry McGuire, relationships and people do not complete us; however, we do grow and heal in the context of them- and of course are meant to very much enjoy them! I love how author Donald Miller captures this concept in his latest masterpiece, Scary Close, with the notion that we are “ companions in the longing.” Feeling safety and acceptance in this journey of longing is indeed a magical thing.

As we embrace this new year, I want to leave you with some wisdom my dear father has always lived by and continually shares with our family: Write down your goals. It doesn’t matter how big or small they are. Write them down. Care about yourself enough to look at them often and even tweak them along the way. There is something powerful that happens when we transpose our goals from their inner birthplace onto paper. It’s a sacred transfer. If you don’t know what you’re goals are yet, that’s ok! Pay attention to what brings you excitement and energy and go from there. Don’t judge your goals; just write them down. Carve out some time this month to journal about those heart longings; I believe they are vitally important to who we are. As I often say, we are most content when we are connected to our desires and making daily choices to align with them. I am here for you in this process; it is my joy and passion to work alongside you!

Love and Gratitude,
katie