Step into the Spotlight: How to Land the Role of a Lifetime

If there is one thing I’m well acquainted with, it’s this search for significance—a spotlight of sorts.  How can I show up authentically, adding value and beauty to the world around me?  How do I get there?  Well, as it were, I’m dreadfully stubborn, traipsing around for years down camouflaged detours of tangled roads leading to what I thought were final destinations.  

Interestingly, I’ve learned far more from my detours than my successes. 

Can you relate?

As a result, I’m still building out that journey, and plan to for the long haul.  Here’s the thing though, oftentimes we exhaust this search and desperately cling to false forms of stardom, significance, what have you. We try to shine in someone else’s spotlight, fit into their box, and therefore abandon the unique capacities and creativity dormant within.

Remember the movie The Holiday? I realize it’s a bit late for Christmas amusement; however, there is a scene in this movie that is worth noting all year long. 

Here’s the set up: Iris, played by Kate Winslet, is having dinner with Arthur Abbott, an older gentleman who’s a successful, retired Hollywood film director. They meet by chance while she’s in LA on holiday over Christmas in hopes of escaping the pain of a recent heartache back home in England. After Arthur expresses total perplexity as to why the gorgeous Brit is spending her holiday alone in a different country, he digs deeper. She eventually breaks down in tears as Arthur gently sizes up the situation with his spot-on insight. 

Arthur observes:
“This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies, and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you are behaving like the best friend.”

It was one of those “aha” moments for Iris, and for me the first time I watched it. After a sip of beer and a sigh of relief, she jokes about her incompetent therapist of three years withholding this core insight from her. 

In order to recuse myself from any such accusation (and because I wish my therapist would’ve asked me the same thing ten plus years ago), I’ll ask you a similar question today:

Are you starring as the lead in your own life? Or are you the best friend, constantly apologizing for your actions and taking cues from everyone else around you?

When we attempt to re-invent our wheel and jump on someone else’s bandwagon, we detach from ourselves, ignoring what’s burning beneath the surface.  Slowing down to grapple with this stuff isn't necessarily easy either.

In fact, for years I battled hard-core anxiety and self-doubt, feeling obligated to pursue music as a career.  With a natural bend towards it, loads of encouragement from outside sources, and unique opportunities in front of me, I traveled down that path for several years.  Sure, I loved the idea, and it felt really satisfying to walk down that brightly lit and hopeful path, but it fell short–something was missing.  

Music is a passion, but it was never enough for me to pursue solely.  When I woke up to the fact that I’m more than enough without a spotlight on a music stage, it strangely permitted me to enjoy it even more.  Funny how that works. 

It also allowed me to see boundless opportunity in those things that felt truly meaningful, exciting, and a more authentic fit for me career-wise.

Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you must pursue it.  You get to choose.

In light of all this, I’ve got a little assignment for you.  At the very least it’s food for thought or good dinner conversation... or both.

• Become laser aware of the things you effortlessly enjoy doing. What are the problems you get lost in solving?  This can look like drafting an email, planning a party, listening to a friend share a difficult experience, telling a story, picking out paint colors, practicing piano, writing a thank-you note, and so on.  Nothing is too small or insignificant.  What do you love about doing it?  How does it make you feel?

• What compliments do you receive often? Don’t be shy. (e.g., You’re great with people, you make a memorable first impression, you’re a gifted flower arranger, you’re hilarious.)

•  Finally, ask a trusted friend this question:
When do you observe me at my most engaged, alive, and contented self? What am I doing and what do you notice about me?

• Write it all down.  

We simply don’t realize how we lead in certain areas.  We assume “everyone does this as well!” 
It takes loving mirrors such as trusted friends, colleagues, coaches, and family members to reflect back on what they see.  I’ll never forget my 8th-grade cheerleading coach (laugh it up) giving me invaluable insight into what she saw in me back then.  One day she took me aside in her thoughtful and present way and told me I was a natural encourager and observer.  As an insecure, awkward 12-year-old in need of validation, I tucked her words away like a tiny family heirloom in my coat pocket.  I’ve treasured and trusted them ever since.  So many years later, much of my work is built around those two attributes. This stuff works.

Let’s cast you in the lead role of your life. It’s not selfish, or petty, or a waste of time. Quite the contrary! The minute you step into your unique calling or “spotlight,” a sense of relief wells up. An internal security and calm pervades, and you can stop hustling to compete, compare, and look for outward solutions to internal capacities that have been there all along. We love and live more fully from this place of knowing.  

So, you’ve landed the lead role… It gets really fun when we start writing the script. 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo

When It Rains It Pours: How to Manage the Eye of the Storm

Saturday morning I woke up to…a lot of rain, as I did more days than not in the last week.

If you live in the Nashville area, chances are you’re a little water-logged too.  

I’m all for a couple of cozy, rainy days.  In fact, those melancholic, if not romantic, parts of me love a good excuse to hole up, drink loads of coffee, and read and write to my heart's content.  

Aaaand after a non-stop week of it, I’m officially done.  No mas.  Vitamin D por favor.

My house has tons of big windows.  This past Saturday morning, I got lost just staring out at bucket after bucket of rain, dumping against a foggy, silver day.  It reminded me of the big 2010 flood.  

I remember so clearly how helpless I felt during that flood.  People were losing everything: their houses, cars, and sentimental belongings, while I just sat hearing about it all on the news.  

Do you ever feel so helpless amidst the flood of your own emotions?  Do the water levels of your own powerlessness feel so high, you just want to hide behind the covers and completely opt out?

I have felt this way more times than I can count.  The waves of depression and anxiety were so crushing, every exit door to safety I knew of in my head seemed entirely too far away.  My ability to cope was non-existent and I clung to the few safe people around me because I knew I didn’t have the where-with-all to weather the storm alone.  

Let’s face it; there are those times in life that the pain of circumstance is more than we can bear.  We can’t self-help or positive-self talk our way out of it.  The gravitational pull of that pain is the only thing that seems true.  

In light of this, I want to share with you three pillars of truth that have kept me afloat.  

1) Reach out

This may seem ridiculously simple, yet I’m convinced most of us don’t do simple very well.  We love to over-complicate things.  My tendency in the eye of an emotional storm is to isolate.  I don’t want anyone seeing me weak, ugly crying, or God forbid, without a plan.  So, I retreat.  

What I’ve wised up to throughout the years is that any act of courage REQUIRES vulnerability and this vulnerability takes bags of strength.  What used to seem weak about this now seems powerful and expansive.  To reach out when you’re all out of answers and the inner critic rages inside is one hell of an act of courage.  

Who are your people?  Have two or three people you trust and start this buoyant conversation with them now or when you’re not in crisis.  Let them know that you consider them as safe and want to be able to reach out when you’re in need and vice-versa.  Pre-empting this brand of connection and conversation is everything.  

2) Life’s work

Reb, a brilliant therapist friend of mine, likes to say, “Don’t feel ashamed if you keep stumbling over the same problems.  Consider yourself lucky!  You’ve found your life’s work.  Many people spend their life wandering around never quite sure what it is they should be doing.” 

What is the emotion that tends to feel the most overwhelming?  What is the lie that feels so heavy and relentless, you can’t seem to catch a break?  

Is it depression? Anxiety or worry?  Insecurity and self-doubt?  Good news, this is the life’s work you must show up to do on a daily basis.  What is it trying to tell you?  My depression would always say, “You simply don’t have what it takes.  You’ll never get there.”  

Now I like to say back, “Where? I’m right where I need to be.”  It’s taken me quite some time to build these muscles, and they still get sore from time to time, but I know this is part of my life’s work and the emotional fitness I must pursue.  

Listen to voices amidst the unruly storms.  They will be the roadmap for the internal healing journey that needs to take place. 

3) This too

Finally, know this: no emotion is final.  Just as storm clouds pass and the sun eventually makes her long-anticipated appearance, those feelings of hopelessness and powerless will too.  

When words aren’t enough, and it seems absolutely nothing brings relief, take heart.  It will inevitably pass.  Sometimes the only thing we can do is watch the storm unfold, observe its strength, and touch its darkness.  Don’t make up stories, or fake news about your emotions.  Tip your hat and let them pass.  I promise, they will.  

You’ve been brought too far to simply be left here.  Love is far too clever for that, my Dear… 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo

What is Love? …The Cynic’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, just in case you need a reminder.  Just in case you missed the red heart chocolate explosion that took place in the Kroger nearest you the minute dusty old Santa got swept off the shelves around the first of January… here you go.  

You’re welcome.

If you hear a tinge of cynicism in my tone, bravo, it’s there.  

Okay, I’m not hating on this sugar-laced, if not well-meaning, holiday to be clear.  I am very pro-love, don’t get me wrong.  However, for some strange reason, I’ve never been a huge fan of Valentine’s Day.  

Perhaps it was those forced little gooey cards we wrote every single classmate back in kindergarten (even the ones who weren’t very sweet) that put a bad taste in my mouth.  Or perhaps it always seemed too obvious and Hallmark-y for what my snobbish heart deemed necessary?  

After all, as an enneagram four (the romantic), the world will be saved through truth and beauty, right?  Hell if I’m going to let a heart-shaped box of waxy chocolates and a trite card oozing with aspartame-flavored words do the trick.  

Okay, okay…that may be a bit harsh.  However, don’t you think we miss a bigger opportunity to understand the deeper context or nuance of love when we focus so much on the romantic object of relationship?  

I’ll qualify this post by saying I’ve always felt this way.  It is not contingent on times of singleness or being in healthy, committed relationships.  

As someone who is (gratefully) happily married today, I still cringe just a little on V-day.

But I don’t want to.  

I want to carry a bright light into this heart celebration because I’ve made it about something so beautiful and true that doesn’t isolate anyone based on relationship status or an unrealistic expectation of romance.  

That being said, whatever your “status” this Valentine’s day, here are three helpful reminders to help silence that jaded inner cynic and feel the love. 

The Heart is a Muscle

A good friend recently introduced me to the band Gang of Youths, and specifically, a song of theirs called "The Heart is a Muscle”.  They/It’s brilliant.  You should give it a listen.  Ever since hearing this song, I’ve not been able to shake this idea of our heart as this powerful force we must tend to and strengthen.  

Just like our arm, leg, back, and ab muscles atrophy if we don’t intentionally build them through exercise, our heart becomes weak and cold if we don’t engage her.  This doesn’t wait for another person either.  Unfortunately, I can’t enlist someone else to work out for me. Results would be impossible.  

Exercise isn’t always fun, either.  In fact, it is very much a discipline before it becomes a desire. 

How will you tend to, and ultimately strengthen this beautiful heart of yours?  Through openness to change?  Through putting yourself out there more, even if it feels uncomfortable and strained?  Or perhaps, it is simply by spending some time listening to what she has to say through journaling, painting, or writing a song.   

Lean into The Longing

So often, we react to unmet desire by shutting it down, denying its presence, and/or a feeling shame or unworthiness.  This type of all-or-nothing behavior ultimately will backfire on us because the body and mind will always seek relief where there is imbalance and disconnection.   This becomes a problem when we seek relief in places that may seem like a temporary fix, yet ultimately create impairment.  (Think: workaholism-or any type of “holism”, isolation, and depression, among so many others.)

As it relates to our own expectations for love and happiness, we must learn how to exist more in the grey “both-and” as opposed to the “either-or”.  When I can recognize a longing for relationship and community as a beautiful thing and not a curse, whether or not it has been met, I am honoring that heart space.  I’m essentially saying: “I feel the purity and gravity of my longing and realize my situation could turn on a dime at any point.” 

Doesn’t this feel more expansive and hopeful? Yet at the same time, it’s steeped in the reality and possibility of “both-and.” 

Learning how to creatively lean into the inevitable tensions of life restores balance and raises our energetic vibration so as to attract a more positive flow of emotion. 

Let Go of Entitlement

One of the most freeing times in my adult life was when I let go of the romantic comedy (read: emotional porn) that had been reeling in my head for a very long time.  I was 34 and felt further from anything remotely resembling a loving, committed relationship than ever before.  It was bleak and scary as hell, yet I knew I had to divorce myself from this entitlement contract I’d subconsciously signed with life.  

I swallowed the biggest horse pill of my life.  You know the one— it promises we are guaranteed each and every whim we can mentally cook up? Yeah, entitlement…that one…

I embraced this idea that there really were no guarantees in love and relationship because love is a choice we all have the freedom to make.  Honestly, there are very few guarantees in life at all.  When we believe we’re entitled to our stories of happily ever after, we miss out on the reward that is reality.  

A whole world opens up when we let go of expectations that keep us chained and dependent on circumstantial happiness.   All of the sudden, we’ve been handed the keys to personal responsibility and power, and this, in turn, takes us to places we’ve been waiting to go for a long time.  

---

I want to commit to a greater Love.  One that is never in question.  One that’s always waiting for me to touch.  One that I get to choose, and in doing so, never feel alone.  Let’s reclaim Valentine’s Day because, like New Year’s Day, we’re met with this blank slate of possibility.  

Let tomorrow, and 2018, be a celebration of your heart.  She is wild, and wise, and works very hard to make you feel alive.  Thank her big time.  It’s been quite a long journey for her as well…

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

Humble Up: 3 Surprising Reminders about Humility

When I flash the word “humility” in your face, what do you conjure up in that glorious mind of yours?  

Don’t overthink it, just go there.  What’s the picture that pops up?

Is it Mother Teresa in the slums of India?  Is it that sweet, self-deprecating friend who constantly defers to your clever ideas?  Is it your mother?  Is it the classic portrayal of Jesus?  

What do you see?  

My hunch is, your first thought is NOT power or confidence.  I could be wrong, but if you’re anything like me, here is where you’ve typically gone with this seemingly soft virtue called humility.   

I used to immediately envision a lowly, bowing posture; someone trying to be small or unnoticed.  If confidence and pride are the backbone of this body of virtue, then humility is surely the squishy, fleshy, underbelly that isn’t often seen. It’s always covered up.  

I was lucky enough to tag along with my husband to the Grammys in New York City.  It was a week-long, epic celebration of music, er, really the characters that bring the music to life.  As a passionate observer of people and a lover of music, it really is a feast of a week for me.  I got to peer into the glamorous, albeit tinted, windows of these talented and tenacious people doing what they do best— perform.

The ones I’m naturally drawn to, or fascinated by, are the ones who incidentally don’t draw much attention to themselves.  They are the ones who, in my slim estimation, long to make the music about something bigger than themselves and work tirelessly to do so with excellence.  

Yet, they are far from doormats.  They have had to believe in themselves and their talent so deeply, even when there was no outside evidence to back them up.  Their persistence to believe the truth about who they are and the value they offer the world informed every thought, feeling, and action, despite a slippery temptation to hide out in self-doubt.  

Alicia Keys comes to mind, as does Chris Stapleton and Kevin Moore (Keb Mo).  I know there are more, these are just a few I’ve observed over time, especially this last week.

In fact, celebrities aside, I believe the most effective leaders are truly humble.  Why?  Because effective leaders are secure enough in their identity to shut up and listen well to others.  They don’t feel the need to constantly tighten the reigns of control.

Here are a couple of simple definitions I love about this thing called Humility:

C.S. Lewis says, 

“True humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”

Another C.S., that is, Charles Spurgeon, simply puts it, 

“Humility is to make a right estimate of oneself.”

I hear far less shrinking and loads more honesty in these definitions. I hear truth—security.

What if humility is the fundamental building block of greatness?  What if we could count on its staying power in a way that would allow for more of what we truly desire for ourselves and our loved ones?  What if embracing humility could connect you back to your truest, most loving self so that you could love others more fully, more deeply?

As you chew on this idea of humility, take these three reminders with you:

• Humility is NOT playing small.  

This may be the biggest misconception we have in terms of humility.  In fact, we confuse the idea of “false humility” with actual humility.  You know the stuff.  It shows up in self-deprecating comments, constantly deferring to others because “They’re so much smarter or better than me” or “Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just fine staying back.  You deserve to go have fun.” 

If humility is being exactly who we were made to be then false humility is downplaying, or degrading the value of who we are.  In that sense, false humility is really just the same as pride, but all dressed up in her Sunday best.  Both are forms of self-absorption and indulgence.   

• Humility affects great change.

Humble people aren’t dependent on bravado.  They don’t need the hype, the show, and the ego.  Perhaps they did at some point, yet part of our growth curve involves being knocked on our ass at some point.  We like to call these “humbling moments.”  When we lean into these moments, muscles build, perspectives shift, and an interior wisdom sets in that makes us more malleable and effective than we were before (if we allow).

True greatness emerges when that mask of ego comes off, and we begin using our unique voice and gifts to meet the world's aching need.  It happens when we finally get out of our own way.

I love St. Catherine of Siena’s charge, 

“Be who you were meant to be and you will set the world on fire.” 

• Humility takes courage.

It takes loads of courage to show up, use your voice, share your truth, and say “yes” to your calling, however big or small it feels to you.  It is far easier to play small and sit on the sidelines as a spectator.  We get so used to wearing the mask of personality in order to keep us safe and fit in, yet when we rely on it too heavily, we mix up our true identity, our essence, with parts of our personality that are overgrown, or false.

You were born as a pure, loving, curious being.  The world taught you fear, and for all intents and purposes, that fear kept you safe.  However, today, you don’t need it in the same way anymore. Let’s move deeper into the current of courage.  Let’s get knocked around a bit.  I can’t promise you it's sterile and certain, yet I’m convinced it’s the path of true calling—identity.  The humble path is truly a radical one.  So, let’s make some waves, my Dear.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo

Let Your Body Talk

What if there was an untapped intelligence source you had an all-access pass to and it could give you accurate answers to questions you’ve been seeking for quite some time?

What if you could give that overworked, overdeveloped prefrontal cortex a rest.  You know, that part of your brain that is responsible, highly analytical, and very adult?  She makes to-do lists, gets you to appointments on time, edits what you say and write, and generally keeps you zipped up nicely in order to make a good impression.  

And my oh my, is she exhausted!?!

I believe wholeheartedly, you most certainly can give her a well-deserved break.  

So stop whatever highly important thing you’re doing right now and start by giving yourself a hug.  Let your body know you’re listening and curious about what she has to say.  I’m dead serious.

Backstory:

In 2016, I set out on a crucial journey to reconnect with my body.  Sounds weird, right?  Perhaps; however, for me, it was necessary.  

Throughout my battle with an eating disorder back in high school and ongoing depression throughout my twenties and beyond, my recovery was largely cognitive (aside from the basic requirement of maintaining a healthy weight). 

There were also traumatic experiences along the way that made some deep and painful imprints, emotionally and physically.  I don’t think I even realized this then.

Now, when I say cognitive, I mean relying heavily on my thinking mind (prefrontal cortex central) and how to mentally process defeating thought patterns and behaviors in order to replace them with healthy ones. For example, therapy modalities such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and partnering psychotropic medications, or antidepressants.  

These were both helpful beyond belief and supported my healing in ways I’m eternally grateful for. 

2016 came along, and I began experiencing all kinds of physical pain and tension, manifesting in my upper back, throat, and jaw area.  It got so bad, I experienced difficulty singing and even carrying out conversation due to a feeling of extreme tightness.   

This wasn’t going to fly as I was ramping up to start writing for a new music project.  Discouraged and in pain, I put it on hold in order to find some answers I later learned were trapped inside my body.  

It was a catch 22 in that I thought I’d found my voice, yet at the time, wasn’t able to use it. 

I set out on a mission to crack this cryptic code within my body.  After all, emotionally I felt stronger than I ever had, yet the pain I was experiencing set me back day after day into a downward spiral of discouragement.  This mission would forever change the way I lived and worked.

I started knocking on every door.  Over the course of a year, I did brainspotting,  vocal training,  yoga,  body work, acupuncture, kinesiology, and tons of meditation, all of which were extremely helpful.

Curiously, though I knew this pain affected my voice, I knew this was not a “talking matter.” Hell, I had talked in circles trying to process this thing out, and apparently, my body would not let up.

From all of the incredibly patient and wise practitioners I worked with (whom I’ll thank here in just a moment), I learned that the body is one of three intelligence centers we have.  The mind, heart, and body are all crucial in processing life around us, yet again, western psychology focuses mainly on the brain.  

Has your body ever tried to warn you of potential sickness?  Energy levels flag, soreness peaks, and all you want to do is crawl into bed with some hot tea and binge on Netflix?  It’s trying to tell you to slow down, ramp up the vitamin C, because if you don’t, you might end up with the flu.  Your body talks.

This is the first of a new blog series centering on this glorious mind-body connection and wisdom.  I wanted to kick it off by telling you a bit of my story and dangling some of these alternative practices in your world as you may be in the market for some new ways of integrating. 

Brainspotting is a brain-based therapy that jumpstarts the healing process by moving trapped trauma out of your brain and body.  It was so powerful in my healing that I became trained in order to offer it in my practice.  This was the first step for me.  (For more info on brainspotting, check out an earlier post I wrote.) 

Not that I remotely have a green thumb, but I’m well aware that the first thing to come up when you plant flowers is dirt.  Metaphorically, this was spot on in my experience.  As I began listening to, and planting seeds of physical connection and nurturance through brainspotting, body work, yoga, and meditation, you better believe years of emotional dirt— or pain started to come up. 

Yet, instead of resisting or fixing the physical symptoms of pain as I’d done for months now, I leaned into its message with the help and support of this healing community.

What I learned from a wise chiropractor trained in eastern medicine is that my body had so many answers to help me along the way.  Yet, by relying primarily on cognitive therapy and medication at points along the way, I had shut out this body intelligence.  

Hear me out friend, I am a huge believer in talk therapy as well as psychotropic medication such as antidepressants.  Yet, we must not ignore the invaluable intelligence source we have in our bodies. It all works together.  Working with the pain instead of against it allows all that dirt to finally come up and out, so we can fully process it.  

We must befriend this brilliant body of ours and learn how to feel safe inside its skin.  

In The Body Keeps the Score, Bissel Van der Kolk shares:

“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going on inside our selves.”

Fast forward to today.  I have spent the last year reconnecting with my body’s intelligence and healing capacity with the support of wise practitioners.  Decades of depression and toxicity trapped inside my body needed to get out.  Even though I’d done so much of my own work, I learned I was still fairly detached from my body.    

I’m beyond grateful for people like Dr. David Grand, who invented brainspotting and was gracious enough to work with me last spring in his NYC practice.  Laura Donohue, my vocal coach for the past ten years, you safely held space for my countless emotional breakdowns in your studio because I couldn’t sing a simple note without streaming tears and inexplicable pain.  Dr. Suman Chaudhuri, chiropractor and alternative medicine Guru, thank you for connecting the dots and reassuring me I wasn’t crazy, I just had residual emotional pain and trauma that was looking for an exit.  Also, to my favorite English healer, Linda Penney (whom I affectionately call Money Penny), thank you for your pristine intuitive work and for helping me uncover the truth in my body through kinesiology and realignment on your table in Marina Del Rey, CA.  Our time together was truly life-changing.

There have been so many others, yet I won’t drone on like some lame awards speech.  I wanted you to know it takes a village.  It takes asking a lot of questions and reaching out.  It has forever changed the way I approach my work as a therapist, so as to offer more experiential, brain-based therapies.  I’m passionate about supporting you on the journey of total connection, mind-body-spirit.  

Transformation and healing is where we’re headed.  I do hope you’ll continue to join me on this next exciting leg of the journey.  Today especially, if you have any questions regarding this new conversation, I hope you will reach out.  It can feel overwhelming, believe me…I fully understand this.  

It’s worth every wobbly step.  

Love & Gratitude,

Katie