Tactics for Belief

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. -Brené Brown

It seems I’m not the only one around who battles self-doubt and perfectionism. Your response and feedback to my last blog post were proof of that. Thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully engage with your own stories of struggle in this area. It’s that kind of vulnerability and transparency that brings life and light into those dingy dark rooms of self-doubt with a resounding me too.

As often happens when we touch sensitive yet powerful nerves of truth, it seems the universe aligns to keep that flow moving. It’s like getting a new car (or new to you) and all of a sudden, you start noticing just how many of the same model and color cars are out on the road. Our awareness is tweaked and, in my case, there appears a million white Toyota Priuses in Nashville traffic. With such great feedback and a continuous reverberation of this self-doubt/perfectionism trap, I thought we could tease out some practical application; Lord knows I need it.

I went on a long hike yesterday around Radnor Lake, my beloved local nature scape and sanctuary of sanity. One of my favorite things to do if and when I have a chunk of free time during the week is to get out in nature and listen to smart people talk about the strong convictions they hold. This, of course, happens in the form of an audiobook or podcast. Monday, I had this glorious opportunity for the first time in a while…and I jumped on it. Headphones in, a sunny if not toasty first day of summer to venture into, and a little over an hour to kill. Heaven.

I got about twenty minutes into the talk and realized it was not only for me to store away in the “Cling To” file, but it might also be extremely helpful for you, especially on the heels of looking hard and square into the face of self-doubt and insecurity last week.

Moment of truth: did anyone chip away at a personal creed? Don’t worry; I’m not homework- shaming you. But I still believe it is a simple and self-loving thing to tackle. If you think that might be helpful, take a swing at it. If you need help, you know where to find me.

I spent about fifteen minutes the other day on mine. What attributes do I embody? What are my gifts? What am I deeply convinced of? Who am I? Who am I NOT? And on and on…Again, personal creeds are meant to be reminders of our worth, identity, and desires so we don’t fall in the trap of comparison with others, insecurity, and then go numb out somewhere.

What I was so blown away by in this message was how we grow in the conviction of these beliefs. A personal creed is great and all, yet if we look at it once and let it collect dust in the bottom drawer of our bedside table, we have sorely missed the point. It’s kind of like getting

hitched—saying those binding, life-altering vows and then going verbally dark the rest of the marriage. Not a good look. Here are my takeaways, and three crucial applications to help us lock into our creed or deeply held beliefs.

1. Feed the creed.

It may sound like first class cheese, but it spilled out like buttah. Just like we water a plant and lovingly nurture a child or pet, we absolutely must feed those unique, life-giving, truths that remind us of who we are and what we purpose. Quite simply, the best way to do this is to read and re-read it daily, or as often as you need. That laser focus fuels the flame of belief so much so that it burns away the fear of self-doubt. If that feels weird or woo woo, GOOD! We don’t change unless something changes; change feels weird!

2. Don’t stop moving.

By this I don’t mean never rest. Quite the contrary; rest in the propelling reminder of who you are. When I get stuck and fall prey to comparison with others or perfectionistic tendencies, it is paralyzing and I can’t move forward. Thankfully I have wised up to my confusing yet clever enemy and am able to poke all sorts of holes in those messages. Many times this looks like holding up a gentle, more accurate mirror than mine in the form of a trusted friend or loved one. I must admit, though, after years of practice, those slithering lies are tempting, like a toxic old lover.

A moving target is much harder to hit than one that is stationary.

I may or may not have killed a deer in a past life on a hunting trip in high school. (Full disclosure: I am from Alabama and we did eat venison for dinner that night.) I know, haters gonna hate. However, for illustration purposes, I will say, it was fairly easy because I was totally set up for success. The poor guy was in a field, totally still, and I was up in a tree stand taking a break from gin rummy or something. Cake. I can assure you had there been sudden movement involved, we would have had chicken for dinner. Without belaboring the point and completely offending you, I’ll land this plane: No matter how loud those oppressive voices that long to derail our identity, we must dodge the bullet and keep moving forward toward our freedom.

3. Anticipate the struggle.

It will come, time and time again. We can’t be surprised when it does. Feeding hope with a congruent dose of brutal honesty is essential all along the way. We can’t Pollyanna our way through and be blindsided by a random covert attack those old skeletons pony up. Knowing the the sound of alien voices that sneak up and rattle off in our self-talk is key as we keep moving in the direction of our truth.

For those of you I didn’t lose to Saving Private Ryan, keep the feedback coming! This conversation and community is building in volume and numbers, thanks to you. For this I am beyond grateful.

For more on this topic read the previous post here.

How to Avoid the Perfectionism Trap

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.

-Anne Lamott

Recovery

Raise your hand if you’ve ever struggled with perfectionism. Though I can’t see you right now as you read this, I have a hunch most of you have your hands up, either literally or figuratively in your heart where no one else can see and wonder if there are bigger problems than perfectionism at stake. Oh, I’ve got your number, I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Scared

Perfection is so illusive, yet so tempting, especially for all you creative, high-achievers out there. It is a vain and futile attempt to attain the unattainable and virtually impossible. Perfectionism is an overt, egoic striving to fill a covert, bleeding insecurity. If we’re really honest here, perfection is scared man’s game.

Drug

I write these words with emboldened authority only because I have had a lifelong, crippling experience with perfectionism. I don’t know the magic potion I sipped on so early in life to fuel the flame, but boy was it potent. I’ve been incredibly judgy and hard on myself from day one. As a complex and sensitive kid (read: dramatic), being understood and well-received always took precedence. Acceptance, identity, and value were—and continue to be— my drug. The temptation is always: “I’m doing pretty good, but just imagine what I could achieve!” This kind of thinking has kept me double bound in the fetal position of literal and figurative dark corners in life many times. I love Anne Lamott’s quote here:

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.”.

Creatives

Bingo. And for creatives, this phenomenon is mass genocide. I believe this is because ideas and concepts are birthed in our thinking mind, which can be an absolutely lovely place to be. We have an brilliant idea for a lyric, a new work flow, a painting, a proposal, and we run with it, executing it immediately and seamlessly, right? Bam…so easy.

Saucy

Wrong. My experience as a writer and working with other creatives is this: that brilliant little idea gets locked up in the thinking mind, stewing and marinating in all kinds of saucy possibility and grandeur, so much so that it never even sees the light of day. Our minds are meant to be the sacred birthplace of ideas. Our minds were not meant to indefinitely house them, ultimately squeezing the life and breath out with toxic and quenching fumes of perfectionism. Oftentimes, we feel so worthless and defeated we either want to numb out with a drug of choice (drugs, booze, sex, shopping, busyness, work, what have you) or we abandon our creative calling all together. This is around the time therapy sounds like a promising option.

David Foster Wallace said it this way,“Perfectionism is very dangerous. Because of course if your fidelity to perfectionism is too high, you never do anything.”.

Big

Well, I want to do great things. I want to show up in relationships and love fully. I want to write my truth, even if it doesn’t rhyme or fit or sound pretty. I want to live into all I am made to be, dreaming big and doing even bigger. I want to be perfectly imperfect; flawed yet beautifully human and uniquely me. I suspect you do as well…

Conundrum

In order to do this, we must let go of the death grip we have on self-doubt. You know that conundrum of shame that says you simply aren’t enough and don’t make the cut? Press the pause button for a second. What is your standard and where does it come from? Again, this insidious little gremlin sneaks in when we forget who were are. For this reason, identity and purpose MUST be deeply instilled into our beings on a cellular level. My perceived reality of me must match up to my deeply believed reality of me.

Personal Creed

I hope you’re wondering about the How? If so, here is a first step: a personal creed. Many world religious traditions thoughtfully construct creeds over time as a firm reminder and proclamation and of their dialed in beliefs and purpose. At my church, we say the Nicene Creed each week. I never understood the beauty and power of this until grappling with my own faulty beliefs about myself that needed mending and constant reminding. We all need reminders, people. Otherwise, we fall prey to self-doubt and perfectionism.

Mirror

What is your personal creed? Over the next week, I encourage you to spend some time journaling about your beliefs, perceived purpose, strengths, desires, and dreams. It doesn’t have to be long or poetic or clever. This is a powerful, life-giving assignment, and one I love helping others tweak to accurately mirror their truth. With this in mind, I’d love to hear what you come up with…

In light of all this, here’s your call to action this week.  Don’t be stymied by sterile lies of perfectionism. Stay in your lane and move to the glorious beat of your own wacky drum. I’m convinced you’ll have some exhilarating stories to tell on the other side.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo