Reaction Formation

I love a good quote. Don’t you? 

One that I keep tucked away in the background of my foggy mom brain is this classic by Viktor Frankl, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

It keeps my unconscious clunking through life in check.

I sincerely believe that most of our perceived problems would dissolve if we cultivated, or grew, that space between what life throws at us and how we respond. Let’s stop right there. Even just the word “respond” is generous. I tend to default to cruise-control living more days than not, reacting out of emotion instead of responding out of presence. 

Why? Because the space between the stimulus and response is so stinking small! What is not so small, however, is the old ego blaring at full-volume when I live like this. 

For example, let’s look at a scenario we can all relate to—traffic. (Well, perhaps not in these COVID times.)  If you live in a large-ish city like Nashville, chances are, you have been tweaked by traffic. One of my absolute biggest pet peeves is when I’m stopped at a four-way stop and instead of obeying traffic laws, people try to be sweet and “let you go” when it’s not your turn. I’m all for southern charm and hospitality, but somebody’s going to get hurt if we all play nice instead of following the basic order.

This happened the other day. A well-meaning lady in a heavy black sedan with red lipstick and statement earrings sat across from me at a four-way stop. It was her turn to go. She flashed a toothy grin my way and waved her hand for me to go. I mean come ON. I played along but rolled my eyes and sped around the turn very dramatically. Small space alert! I reacted out of frustration instead of responding from curiosity and openness. Ew.

I was also asleep in trance, living out of a really crappy story that read something like this, “Why are people so lame? She should see traffic laws (and life for that matter) the way I do.”  

Zero compassion. Zero patience. Bags of judgment.  

Sure, anger was at the surface. But guess what was really going on underneath that jagged reaction? The real underlying story was fear. It went something like this, “Things won’t work out unless I try to control them.”  

Do you have a particular narrative that gets you into trouble?

Here’s some good news: the thing that separates us as humans from animals is the ability to make up stories. We’ve also been given the glorious gift of imagination in order to write them well. 

Guess what we need in order to write good and truthful stories? We need space. Why? Because we write best out of stillness, not chaos. Also, because reactionary, fear-based living will drive us mad (and others away). 

If you and I are courageous enough to sit in that space, feel our feelings, and simply observe the moment at hand, we have stepped out of ego— the need for control—and into the freedom of essence. By essence, I’m referring to the unconditioned, open, and authentic “true self.”

From that space, you create meaning, thought, feeling, and action that is powerful beyond belief. This is the space where you get to use your God-given gift to write really compelling stories.

This all sounds so lovely and airy-fairy, but how do we grow that space and find our freedom— our power? 

Meditation is the most effective tool I’ve found to cultivate the inner observer, or witness, we all have, yet tend to neglect. Any mindfulness exercise or guided breathing and meditation allow us to relate to our thoughts and experiences in a softer, more open way. Most importantly, it broadens the space and cushions the fall when life throws us the inevitable curveballs.  Yes, it feels boring, uncomfortable, and frustrating at first, but after a while, you will start to crave it. 

This is the spiritual work of the Enneagram. It’s time we tend to that pure, loving part of us in order to create some distance between how we experience the world and how we respond. Your imagination is your MVP here. Break it open. Look around. Make a home.

Stay awhile.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

In Case You're Wondering What to do Next...

When everything around me seems swirling and chaotic, I always return to the basics: what I know to be true.  

I remember as a kid, when I’d get super discouraged, dramatic, or disappointed, my sweet Dad would take me on a date (which normally revolved around food, ice cream, what have you), and remind me of who I was.  Not in a pep talky kind of way—more of a recalibrating kind of way.  My highly-sensitive self would get lost in the clouds of her great expectations and harsh inner critic and what I needed more than anything was to feel my feet on the ground.  

My Dad knew that.  Perhaps someone had done that for him somewhere along the way.

While I have been clueless how to respond to the world around me and the mash-up of emotions sheltering inside me for most of 2020, I keep coming back to this: when in doubt, do the next best thing.  Okay, okay, so I got a little inspiration from Anna in Frozen 2.  I guess it’s proof that the kid inside of you and me is indeed, a truth-teller.

While I may not be able to change the world around me in a day (or a lifetime), I can take responsibility for my own evolution and growth and in doing so, directly impact my sphere of influence big or, in my case, small.  By becoming better humans, we build a better world.  By taking care of you, you create a greater opportunity for impact as you engage your family, friends, co-workers, and tribe.  

What does this mean exactly?  Becoming a better human sounds pretty broad.  I believe it starts with self-knowledge.   Last week I interviewed Ian Cron, bestselling author of The Road Back to You and host of the popular Enneagram podcast, Typology.  It was such a treat.  I asked him what his most valuable takeaway was from the Enneagram.  He said “self-knowledge,” without a doubt.  

He said the difference between self-awareness and self-knowledge is self-awareness is being conscious of how you feel, think, and act.  Self-knowledge takes it a step further and unpacks the “why” behind that awareness.  The Enneagram gives us nine (or 27 if you factor in subtypes) lanes that map out how we get lost in our ego, or false self.  It carves out the self-knowledge as well, providing us with the “why” behind our often painful pursuits.  

Today we stand at an unprecedented crossroads.  It’s an invitation to quit pressing the snooze button on the alarm clock of living fully alive. It’s an opportunity to change the world around us by doing the next best thing—whether that is reaching out to a friend in need, speaking kindly to yourself, donating to a worthy cause, responding instead of reacting out of fiery emotion, or hugging your child a little longer at bedtime.   

It’s about revisiting the classics we may have skimmed through in human school.  

Let’s get back to the truth of what we know, my friend.  By taking care of you, you’re taking control of what you can control.  When we build on a firm foundation, we can create a beautiful, soulful tomorrow.  I think we can all agree that hope for tomorrow starts with today.

Deepest Love & Gratitude,

​Katie

Why Empathy is Everything Right Now

Perhaps like you, I’ve been spending more time on social media lately. I have had nothing original to contribute and that’s the glorious point. Last Tuesday’s #BlackoutTuesday marked the first day of one week (and inevitably beyond) to consciously focus on joining our voices, efforts, and resources to become better educated about what’s going on in our country and how we can advocate for healing a very old wound: racism.

Throughout the week, as I talked to friends, family, and clients, I was amazed by how many times I heard a similar thread: “I am listening." Listening for truth, knowing, conviction, and ultimately for hope.

What a powerful place of unity to stand amidst a shattered landscape. Listening.

As I poured over trusted friends and influencers feeds and stories, I came across this quote by a man I’d never heard of, Bill Bullard. It shook me to the core. It reads:

“Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of
understanding.”

Everything in my body leaped. YES! This is it!

I googled Mr. Bullard and found very little. The most I could muster was his past profession as the Dean of a San Fransisco High School. Fitting. Clearly, he didn’t need much of a footprint to make an impact.

I bet he was a really good listener, I thought to myself as I was searching to find out more about him.

And whereas I deeply value my opinions and those of others, I’m struck by this idea that we are being called to work through the ego’s slippery need to be heard and be right. No matter what you believe or subscribe to, the undeniable truth is that we must rise up and stand as our highest selves were created to in the face of glaring pain: in love, in listening, in empathy.

Opinions come easy.

Empathy requires understanding and humility.

Opinions divide.

Empathy builds bridges.

Opinions are judgments.

Empathy leans heavy on curiosity.

Opinions want to win.

Empathy wants to give.

When I read that quote, I realized just how important the work of understanding is for our own healing and the healing of a hurting world. I also realized this is why I love the Enneagram so much—it leads us through the tight spaces of ego entrapment and into the wide-open fields of compassion, shedding the hard outer shell of fear one layer at a time.
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It helps us understand that our way of seeing the world isn’t the right way, it’s just one way.

​Let’s commit to the work of listening to understand. Not listening to formulate a clever response based on opinion. Listening to understand so that we may love.

Love & Gratitude,

​Katie

​HUGE P.S. Join me THIS FRIDAY at 10 am CST as I chat with Ian Cron, author of The Road Back to You and host of Typology podcast about using the Enneagram as a tool for developing Empathy.