Well-Spoken: Your Secret to Self-Care During the Holidays

Self-care during the holidays, especially in 2020, may seem a bit out of reach. With kids home, wonky work schedules, and the limitations we all face, your only option may be to let it slide and just call it a day...or year.

As tempting as that may seem, I want to suggest we all have a responsibility to practice true self-care during the holidays. It will likely be what allows us all to finish strong and have grace and compassion for ourselves and others.

This might sound a bit dramatic due to confusion around what true self-care really is. With that said, I’d like to share my thoughts on self-care and how we can create space for it amidst the chaos of the season.

Unfortunately, society has taught us a version of self-care that falls drastically short in terms of actually promoting deep care and restoration. It makes sense to me that many of us have lost hope in it or see it as indulgent and even selfish. Spa treatments, retail therapy, and wine nights to take the edge off might appear to work temporarily, however they fail to support our process in any lasting change. They can also get really expensive! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge proponent for pampering and celebrating, yet we need to be clear about the fact that these are not the same as self-care.

So if these self-care imposters temporarily boost our spirits (or appearances) yet leave us feeling just as empty as before, don’t you think it’s time we take a deeper look at what real self-care looks like?

Life continues to present us with challenges, especially throughout the holidays as expectations run high and certainty—low. We need a brand of self-care that will help us stay present as opposed to escaping our lives—one that will connect us to more compassion, energy, perspective, balance, and grace in order to move through the tough times and even thrive amidst the chaos.

I believe self-care is a process of befriending yourself. Much like self-compassion, it’s showing yourself the heartfelt care and support you’d show a loved one in need. It’s learning to speak to yourself with a softer tone. It’s developing practices that promote connection rather than isolation.

If self-care starts with befriending yourself—speaking kindly to yourself—and grows from there to a practice of bringing balance and restoration to the mind, body, and spirit. 

The initial work of self-care then becomes what I like to call “kind conversations.” It’s speaking to yourself with a gentle tone instead of a harsh one. It’s telling yourself those things you need to hear and becoming more and more aware of the automatic dialog happening in your head. It’s starving out the inner critic that keeps us stuck in scarcity.

I’ve got great news: the Enneagram is a valuable tool to help you quiet that inner critic and flip the dialogue. 

If you aren’t quite sure what you need to hear, I’ve got some ideas...nine specifically.

Type 1: You are good! You’re doing such a great job.

Type 2: You are loved and chosen just for who you are. Your needs matter.

Type 3: You are loved and valued for being you. There’s nothing you could do to change that.

Type 4: You are seen and known for who you are. You are special.

Type 5: Your needs are important. It’s okay for you to be comfortable.

Type 6: You are safe and secure. You can trust yourself.

Type 7: You are taken care of. The present moment is a safe place for you to be. 

Type 8: Other people can be trusted. You will not be betrayed.

Type 9: Your presence matters in this world. Your voice needs to be heard!

Take these type-specific messages and build out some kind conversations from there.

So, my Dear, next time you make up a story in your head that there’s simply no time for self-care, remember that self-care isn’t about taking time out, it’s taking time back. Kind conversations will only build a strong self-care foundation and make your time this holiday more special...and sweet.

5 Conversation Starters for Your Thanksgiving Table

Happy Thanksgiving!

We’ve made it this far, 2020. You’ve presented us with plenty to consider. You’ve also invited us into a deeper level of consciousness and insight—insight about what’s really important to us. The thing is, you’ve also put a high-powered magnifying glass up to our differences. So much so that the bonds of friendship, family, and beliefs are being challenged.

I’ve heard it in my own life and in the lives of clients alike: there has been great heartache and hurt around dinner table discussions everywhere due to our differences.

And yet this Thursday extends the invitation for togetherness, gratitude, and feasting. I believe we need to be intentional about our conversations, honoring each other’s differences and sacrificing the need to be right for the privilege of being in relationship.

So I thought it might be helpful to share with you a few conversation ideas to keep this most unusual holiday season a gracious and enjoyable time. We may not share ideological beliefs, but what we do share is the human condition—flawed as it may be—and the need for connection and compassion.

Here are a few conversation starters to keep us on track as you gather around the turkey:

1. What’s the most surprising thing you’ve learned about yourself in 2020? Go around the table and answer this question, keeping it in first person—make it about you and your experience—not about the actions or beliefs of others.

2. How will you finish strong in 2020? What are you taking with you? What are you leaving behind?

3. What have you noticed about yourself as it pertains to your Enneagram type? This is a great way to share with others a bit more about how you tick, especially in the stressful year we’ve had. It’s a fun way to tell some of your story from an Enneagram or personality perspective.

4. How has love operated in and through you this year? What are ways you’ve given back or championed those in need?

5. And finally, the piece de resistance, what are you most grateful for so far this year?

Intention creates meaning. I believe when we have meaningful gatherings, we invite more connection, more joy, and ultimately more purpose in our lives and spaces. Though our table settings may seat a smaller cast of characters, let’s make this Thanksgiving and holiday season one to remember (in a good way ;).