Your Secret to Self-Care During the Holidays

Self-care during the holidays may seem a bit out of reach.  With kids home, wonky work schedules, and the limitations we all face, your only option may be to let it slide and just call it a day…or year.  

As tempting as that may seem, I want to suggest we all have a responsibility to protect and practice true self-care during the holidays.  It will likely be what allows us all to finish strong and have grace and compassion for ourselves and others.  

This might sound a bit dramatic due to confusion around what true self-care really is.  With that said, I’d like to share my thoughts on self-care and how we can create space  for it amidst the chaos of the season.  

Unfortunately, society has taught us a version of self-care that falls drastically short in terms of actually promoting deep care and restoration.  It makes sense to me that many of us have lost hope in it or see it as indulgent and even selfish.  Spa treatments, retail therapy, and wine nights to take the edge off might appear to work temporarily, however they fail to support our process in any lasting change.  They can also get really expensive! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge proponent of pampering and celebrating, yet we need to be clear about the fact that these are not the same as self-care.  

So, if these self-care imposters temporarily boost our spirits (or appearances) yet leave  us feeling just as empty as before, don’t you think it’s time we take a deeper look at what real self-care looks like? 

Life continues to present us with challenges, especially throughout the holidays as expectations run high and certainty—low.    We need a brand of self-care that will help us stay present as opposed to escaping our lives…One that will connect us to more compassion, energy, perspective, balance and grace in order to move through the tough times and even thrive amidst the chaos.  

I believe self-care is a process of befriending yourself.  Much like self-compassion, it’s showing yourself the heartfelt care and support you’d show a loved one in need.  It’s learning to speak to yourself with a softer tone.  It’s developing practices that promote connection rather than isolation.  

If self-care starts with befriending yourself—speaking kindly to yourself—and grows from there to a practice of bringing balance and restoration to your mind, body, and spirit, I’ve got great news:

The initial work of self-care then becomes what I like to call “kind conversations.”  It’s speaking to yourself with a gentle tone instead of a harsh one.  It’s telling yourself those  things you need to hear and becoming more and more aware of the automatic dialog happening in your head.  It’s starving out the inner critic that keeps us stuck in scarcity. 

If you aren’t quite sure what you need to  hear, I’ve got some ideas…nine specifically.  They align with your Enneagram type.  

Type 1: You are good! You’re doing such a great job.

Type 2: You are loved and chosen just for who you are.  Your needs matter. 

Type 3: You are loved and valuable for being you.  There’s nothing you could do to change that.  

Type 4: You are seen and known for who you are.  You are special. 

Type 5: Your needs are important.  It’s okay for you to be comfortable.

Type 6: You are safe and secure.  You can trust yourself.

Type 7: You are taken care of.  The present moment is a safe place for you to be.  

Type 8: Other people can be trusted.  You will not be betrayed.

Type 9: Your presence matters in this world.  Your voice needs to be heard!

Take these type-specific messages and build out some kind conversations from there.  

So, my Dear, next time you make up a story in your head that there’s simply no time for self-care, remember that self-care isn’t about taking time out, it’s taking time back.  Kind conversations will only build a strong self-care foundation and make your time this holiday more special…and sweet.

P.S. By the way, have you signed up for the Self-Care Workshop???  

5 Conversation Starters for Your Thanksgiving Table

We’ve made it this far, 2022!  You’ve presented us with plenty to consider.  You’ve also invited us into a deeper level of consciousness and insight—insight about what’s really important to us.  The thing is, you’ve also put a high powered magnifying glass up to our differences.  So much so that the bonds of friendship, family, and beliefs are being challenged.  History has always presented us with this predicament.  

I’ve heard it in my own life and in the lives of clients alike: there has been great heartache and hurt around dinner table discussions everywhere due to our differences these last few years.

And yet this Thursday extends the invitation for togetherness, gratitude, and feasting.   I  believe we need to be intentional about our conversations, honoring each other’s  differences and sacrificing the need to be right for the privilege of being in relationship.  

So I thought it might be helpful to share with you a few conversation starters to keep  this most unusual holiday season a gracious and enjoyable time.  We may not all share ideological beliefs, but what we do share is the human condition—flaws and all—and the  need for connection and compassion.  

Here are a few conversation starters to keep us on track as you gather around the turkey:

1. What’s the most surprising thing you’ve learned about yourself in 2022? Go around the table and answer this question, keeping it in first person—make it about you and your experience—not about the actions or beliefs of others.

2. How will you finish strong in 2022?  What are you taking with you?  What are you leaving behind?

3. What have you noticed about yourself as it pertains to your Enneagram type?  This is a great way to share with others a bit more about how you tick.

4. How has love operated in and through you this year? What are ways you’ve given back or championed those in need?

5. And finally, the piece de resistance, what are you most grateful for so far this  year?

Intention creates meaning.  I believe when we have meaningful gatherings, we invite  more connection, more joy, and ultimately more purpose in our lives and spaces. Whether it’s Friendsgiving or the family kind, let’s make this Thanksgiving and holiday season one to remember (in a good way ;).

Do you struggle with food this time of year?

I’m pretty sure I say this every year, and here I go again: I can’t believe the holidays are upon us.  Though they may differ depending on your traditions, one thing remains: food tends to be the main event. 

Especially at Thanksgiving—the heightened emphasis on that decadent meal with butter dripping from every possible opportunity leaves so many people feeling anxious due to complicated relationships with food and body image.  I know this struggle all too well as someone who suffered a deadly eating disorder in high school.  I’ve worked hard to maintain a healthy relationship with food bolstered by a more gentle and balanced approach.  Though I feel a million times better today and don’t struggle in the way I did, I have a very special place in my heart for those who suffer from this ongoing battle with themselves and food.

In fact, most women struggle at some point in their lives with a disordered  relationship with food.  An estimated 30 million people, men and women alike, suffer from actual eating disorders through the course of their lifetime.  Ya’ll, that’s wild.  And incredibly sad.  

Whereas I highly encourage  you to seek professional treatment both with a therapist and physician if you are struggling, I wanted to share with you a few ideas on how to approach the next month and a half with more grace and enjoyment.  

Mindful eating

• I’m a big believer that it’s not the actual food that creates the problems, it’s our relationship with food.  So many of us, myself included, use food as a medicator, to numb and relieve temporary emotional pain.  That, or we use it to celebrate good news or important events.  So often, this is an unconscious process—one we don’t even realize is happening.  It’s automatic, habitual, and ingrained.  Simply becoming more aware of what you are  eating, when you are eating, and why you are eating is incredibly supportive in a more mindful relationship with food.  I like to call this mindful eating.  It doesn’t mean deprivation either!  It simply means slowing down enough to eat with intention and awareness.  It’s proven that as we slow down our actual eating time, we can connect to our bodies more, identifying when we are initially full. 

Exercise

• Daily movement has been my physical and emotional tether for decades.  With travel, it can be tricky though.  Let’s be honest, we will likely be indulging a bit more in the coming weeks, so this is the perfect opportunity to balance it out with mindful movement—wherever we can get it! A brisk walk, a streaming yoga class on your laptop, a snowball fight if you don’t live in the south ;).   As emotions also run high, physical exercise is an incredible natural anti-depressant and anti-anxiety.  Give yourself the gift of intentional exercise these upcoming weeks—it’s always a good idea!

Healthy-ish

• You’ve  heard about the 80/20 rule, eating healthy 80% of the time and indulging 20% of the time.  I try to follow this as closely as possible.  However, like I mentioned earlier, the holidays are a time  for celebration and merry-making.   So you may need to extend a bit of leeway in the direction of a 70/30 rule.   Eating healthy 70% and  indulging more like 30%.  The goal is to eradicate shame when we eat a bit more than we’d like or even gain a few pounds.   No one ever improved their relationship with food from a baseline of shame.  And that’s what we’re going for:  practicing a better relationship with food rather than putting unnecessary pressure on a strict diet. 

My favorite thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s not just about  food—it’s about gratitude.  Enjoying food from a place of  gratitude and abundance  rather than fear and scarcity is the goal.  I’m so grateful for you, and that we are on this beautiful journey together.

An Author, a Yogi, and a Therapist Walk Into a Bar

… well not really.  

But sort of! 

Here’s the deal.  On February 25, Ally Fallon, author and expert writing coach, Koula Callahan, yoga teacher and speaker, and myself will host the second Self-Care Workshop in Nashville, TN.  It will be a day of Enneagram exploration, writing, and movement, which in my mind is the trifecta of self-care: growing in understanding and compassion for your unique self and creating a foolproof self-care plan for the rest of 2023.  

Something I’ve learned along the way is we can’t truly thrive out of a place of lack and scarcity.  So often, we spin our wheels, hustling for worthiness and the next paycheck, taking care of everyone else’s needs around us, and coming up drastically short at the end of the day because we haven’t prioritized our own wellbeing.  When we lack a margin of time and energy, we constantly react out of emotion instead of responding out of intention and innovation.  

We need a plan.  We need support.  We need true self-care. 

I believe true self-care is really self-compassion: the proven practice of being kind to ourselves—creating a life we don’t want to escape.  It’s about really knowing, loving, and becoming the truest version of ourselves.  

So, when you attend the self-care workshop, you will:

• Understand the 9 core Enneagram types

• Learn more about your unique Enneagram type

• Receive a specialized self-care plan for your unique type

• Understand and develop a proven writing practice 

• Connect to mindful movement through yoga flows 

• Gain access to a community of support and ongoing accountability for continued self-care

• Wrap it all up with a dance party happy hour 

Alright ladies, who’s in?  Registration goes LIVE this Thursday, November 10th.  Here’s where the magic happens.

Don’t miss this restorative and fun day.  I can’t wait to lead you deeper into Enneagram waters and support you in a daily practice that is truly transformative.  

Early bird rates apply now, so don’t wait! 

Do you believe in magic?

Battling cancer did a few things for me.  For starters, it’s changed my overall view of the world. I feel more resilient, more grateful, and stronger than ever.  Strangely, magic feels a bit more possible now than it ever did.  

That’s not to say it’s been a leisurely walk through Central Park either.  My journey’s been hard, much like yours I imagine, wrought with heartache, loss, tough lessons, dark nights, and spells of aching loneliness.  I’ve grown to savor the days of lovely normalcy that lend a softer cadence on which to build my dreams.  

But how do we get there? To that faraway land with less loneliness and more magic?

Good news, you won’t need wings to take you from powerlessness to unhindered possibility…you need belief.  

Belief can often feel ephemeral or tough to pin down— a bit like Maria in Sound of Music.  I think we overcomplicate it.  I like what Abraham Hicks says, “A belief is just a thought I keep thinking.”  

Over time, the thoughts we habitually think become deeply ingrained beliefs, so deep they’re automatic.  Guess what?  Those insular thoughts, practiced over time, predict the way we feel, both physically and emotionally.  Our feelings create motivations that directly steer our actions and decisions.  You know the rest.  Eventually, we wake up and have unconsciously built out a life we either love or resent.  I use the word unconsciously because, as I mentioned, this process can be so involuntary and trance-like, we barely even know it’s happening.  

The biggest mistake we make as we embark on this journey of self-discovery and growth is to wait for outside circumstances to change before we allow ourselves to feel better.  We assume “Once I lose ten pounds” or “get the guy/girl” or “have a million dollars” or whatever (those tend to be the top three contingencies mind you), we will feel a sense of peace and control over our lives.   

Spoiler alert: it never works. 

The fastest, most failsafe way to reach our desired destination is to start from within. Why? Because this inner sanctum is the prime real estate where desires are birthed and visions built.  This sacred space is yours alone, unaffected by things and people. 

We build this interior castle brick by brick, choosing our beliefs, or the thoughts we keep thinking, with intention and practice.   

What is it you want to create more of in your life?  No, I don’t have a magic wand for you to borrow.  I have something far more powerful.  You do too.  It’s the power to shape your life over time, moment by moment.  It’s the ability to rewire your life and your mind.  

How?  Ask yourself this question every morning: What is it I want to feel more of today?  Confidence? Love? Security? Freedom? Once you decide, write down five thoughts to think about that will cultivate this feeling in your life.    

Just like anything, we master what we practice.  Get ready, because this is where the real magic happens…