Happiness is A Verb: Three Ways to Get Moving

Let’s stop beating around the bush here.  Let’s be really honest about why most of us consume self-development or motivational content.  I mean, look at that fabulous woman pictured right above.  She appears to be living her best life, yes?  It’s as if the hair/outfit/leg/weather/and backdrop gods were all conspiring together for good; for happiness perhaps?

Hmm, maybe?  She could be the happiest person in the world for all we know (I sure hope so!). She could also be totally crushing it as a model with a killer team of people helping to create the flawless look.  Who’s to say?  

My point is, we often confuse success with happiness.  It sneaks in so quietly, so subtly, I’m guilty of it as well.  Today, I want to revisit this boulder of a dream I believe we all carry with us, albeit under the radar.  I want to get back to the basics, discussing what it means to live with intention and create happiness in our lives instead of expecting it to show up at our doorstep every morning, complete with a piping hot coffee and our favorite almond croissant (sans the calories, of course.)

Happiness is, indeed, an inside job.  

The two things I tend to hear when I listen to others talk about what they want, both in and outside of therapy, is more peace of mind, security, and belonging.  Often, this comes in the way of more money, more love, and less body mass.  I get it!  Typically, we confuse successful people who are wealthy, popular, and thin, with really happy people.  

Don’t get me wrong: money, community, and physical health are three big factors in contributing to overall well-being.  However, these successful outcomes are never sustainable as it relates to daily happiness.  

Success simply means achieving a desired outcome.  

Happiness refers to a state of well-being and contentment.  

They have two totally different meanings, yet we buy into a currency of contentment that makes them virtually interchangeable.  

Two of my favorite books exploring the science of happiness are Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. Both are worth the read.  

For your time-sensitive enjoyment, however, I’ve boiled it down and come up with three regular activities that propel happiness: this feeling of well-being and contentment. 

(Yes, they all start with “G” to keep it simple!)

Gratitude
I’ve never met someone miserable who consistently practiced gratitude.  In fact, it is nearly impossible to be a curmudgeon and also be grateful.  Try it.  In my experience, gratitude is the single most powerful and accessible weapon to combat resentment, anxiety, and self-pity.  I believe practicing gratitude alone for even just one day can set a completely new mindset into motion.  

Try it on for size: every time you sit down for a meal, think to yourself or say out loud three things you are grateful for.  I KNOW you can find simple things that will shift your perspective away from the weight of what’s bringing you down.

Generosity
Before you get all huffy and assume I’m asking you to pull out the checkbook, think again.  While financial giving is one way to be generous, there are so many other ways to practice this happiness magnet.  

The world gets really small when we’re only thinking about our well-being.  While self-care and discovery are a requirement for optimal experience, the act of giving actually enhances this well-being in a massive way.  They go hand in hand.

Writing a thank-you note, dropping off a meal to a friend in need, sending a simple encouraging text, or buying the guy behind you a coffee unexpectedly at Starbucks are all beautiful ways of practicing generosity.    

Grounding in The Present
This is a biggie.  I’m not just talking about transcendental meditation, either.  I like to think of practicing grounding as anything that helps you fully engage in the moment at hand, which is the only sure thing we have.  People are most unhappy when they binge on toxic thoughts that have no tangible trace of truth.  It takes us out of our power and places us in a projected state of anxiety.  

Letting go of this thought-obsessed existence by practicing grounding is everything.  Think passion here!  I am always at my best when I’m pursuing my passion because I’m fully engaged in something that brings me meaning, purpose, and joy.  

What lights you up? Even just committing fifteen minutes each day writing, playing guitar, practicing yoga, networking with others in your tribe, or going for a run outside will jumpstart a feeling of connectedness and grounding.  

Do these seem impossibly simple?  If so, that is intentional because oftentimes the hardest things to put into practice are the things that seem basic or obvious.  Your challenge this week is to do just that, get back to basics by practicing these three happiness boosters every day for the next week (or more!)

We are Ph.D.’s at overcomplicating life.  Let’s get emotionally fit this week through gratitude, generosity, and staying grounded in the present.  It’s Spring after all, and time to don those svelte dispositions.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo

Own the Competition: A Different Approach

Is your neck sore?  

I know, weird question.

But I mean it.  Is your neck sore from all that looking, turning, and straining from side to side?  Oh, I know you do it too.  I know you’re guilty of the occasional (or frequent) horizontal search for someone who’s doing it better, faster, and more creatively than you.  It’s that futile attempt to judge your own adequacy against another’s in every area from looks, career, creative success, parenting skills, material wealth, physical fitness, social life, and committed relationships.  

I’ve had a sore neck more times than I can count along the way.  If we’re being really honest, I often struggle with competing with other’s success in a way that leaves me feeling completely inadequate, if not frantic.  And the worst part of it is, often times they are women I know and love dearly!  What the ?

This soul-sucking behavior NEVER helps me get ahead. In fact, it leaves me feeling frustrated face-down in a dust pile, questioning who I really am in the first place.  

Can you relate?  

My hunch is, you can. 

I’ve spent the last ten years of my life listening.  Listening to the stories of incredibly brave people who want more for their lives.  What I’ve learned is part of their programming, just like mine, is to hold their worth and value up against the performances of those around them.  It tends to create this stuck loop, or broken record, of “not enough.”  This is old programming, folks.  

Why?  Because we go about it from a place of scarcity as opposed to abundance.  (If the word abundance feels a bit indulgent, use “enough” instead.)

Competition with others is not all bad.  I’ve always had people in my life I refer to as “pacers” whose work I admire and who motivate me to keep showing up no matter what.  We need a little healthy competition to keep us motivated and hungry.  However, when we compete with others from a place of lack instead of abundance, we forfeit the truth and power of who we are.  We start wearing shoes that don’t fit.  We start playing really small.  

If there were ever a day to take back the power of your essential self and quit playing this small, scared game, it is now.  

But how?

I believe there are two sacred steps to firmly ground us in the confidence of our own garden:

Know your “me.” 

We so often confuse our personality, ability, and the culture around us with our true, authentic self.  This is a huge reason we develop sore necks.  We look to various extensions of preference and perception to define the pure essence of who we were created to be.  

The self-discovery journey is the most valuable trip you will ever take because it directly affects each and every thought, feeling, and action that builds out the picture of your life.  

This is one of many reasons I adore the Enneagram.  

It’s a roadmap for self-discovery; for finding your “me.” 

The minute we start to look inward for answers, we can stop looking side to side for them.  What a relief!

Compete with your former self.

The reason competition with others can be debilitating is we will always be proven inadequate if that’s what we’re setting out to find.  Any time competition’s motivator is scarcity, we’re looking for proof that we’re not enough.  

A more abundant approach allows for healthy competition with our former selves.  Don’t confuse this with unhealthy striving.  Here’s a good litmus test, or indicative question to ask yourself, “How can I live into my best, most authentic self today?”  

If I actively decide to embody all that I’m created to be, day after day, I don’t need to look around for proof that I’m enough.  I get to bring to the world that which only I can bring and in doing so, celebrate the unique beauty in others without feeling threatened.  Boom. 

Perhaps it’s time to loosen the reigns of striving this week.  Get softer, more curious, as you sit with you.  Give that lovely neck of yours a rest and listen in to the conversation of your soul. What does she need to thrive?  What does she desire and dream about?  

There’s your ticket.  It’s what sets you apart. 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo

P.S. (Stay tuned for Thursday’s TruthBite!  I’ve got a power tool for your tool belt that will help you connect to your most authentic self every single day.  Get excited!!)

Only the Lonely: Lessons From an Unlikely Teacher

If there is an emotion that feels truly hollow and hopeless, it has, in my experience, been loneliness.  It’s an ache that reaches for miles and miles and photoshops out any trace of perspective or existing motivation to grab hold of.

This is why, for me anyway, it’s necessary to stuff it, sweep it, and quickly look the other way before the bleakness of its stare can call my flimsy bluff.  The tears would be a storm.  The storm might never pass.  Keep it together, Katie… The show must go on.

This is also why loneliness is currently proven a more dangerous health epidemic than obesity and smoking.  No joke.  On the surface, it’s asymptomatic.  We can hide it famously.  Yet right beneath the surface, its death grip is suffocating.  

Whereas I believe loneliness is not something to mess around with over time, I do believe, like anything, it can create spaces in life to dig deeper into an otherwise hidden ecosystem of awareness and insight.  

Very curiously, loneliness became one of the wisest and most prolific teachers I’ve ever had.  Come to think of it though, she used very few words, if any.  Just like most memorable teachers, she was a real hard ass at first.  Over time though, she softened.  

Today, if you sit in a scary room of loneliness, I want to reach you.  Not to fix you, Lord knows I can’t.  I want to simply say “I see you,” and perhaps in doing so, lessen the penetrating sting of that thick and clumsy needle.  I want to validate your pain, take it out of its dark and shadowy corner, and give it some breathing room.  Loneliness shouldn’t bear the weight of such baggage.  Yes, she’s strong, but not that powerful.  

Plus, the pain of our emotions lifts a bit when we bathe them in light and curiosity.

My loneliness taught me layers of truth and gave me space to dig into the real, unseen meat of my needs and desires.  I hated and resisted her for so long until I held that resistance up against the light.  

Here are the most stunning realizations she gave me:

Loneliness is the human condition.

I remember sitting in my therapist's office one crisp February afternoon.  I was at the bottom of the bottom.  It was not a good look.  My anxiety was so deafening; I couldn’t separate out my words and thoughts from her loud yell.  She beat frantically on the drum of my chest without reprieve.  

I was anxious because of this profound sense of loneliness laced with depression I felt and from which I couldn’t escape.  It doesn’t make much sense looking back now, but man did it feel like fact then.  It put me in the hospital, literally.  

Gail looked at me with her wise and nurturing eyes that day and said,

“Katie, loneliness is the human condition. We all go there.”  

Whereas I wanted a pill or a promise, she gave me that weighty nugget.  I’ve carried it since.  
To know that my loneliness is not unique or special, and is, in fact, a pre-requisite for being human felt like a heavy wave of relief.  

Your loneliness is part of what connects you to the frayed fabric of humanity.

Loneliness is very different than being alone.  

Some of the loneliest people I know are married, have a couple of kids, are well-connected in the community, or have big jobs.  I’ve got a friend who lives in New York City and tells me it can be the loneliest place in the world. 

Despite being surrounded by people, we can still be deeply lonely.  Solitude, even for all you extroverts out there, is a gift worth tearing open.  

I was confusing a season of not having loads of friends and support—being forced to befriend solitude—with loneliness.  I had been so dependent on people to tell me who I was and what I should do that this unfamiliar place of open-ended quiet felt terrifying.  Ironically, this was the season I started to hear the sound of my voice.

We create out of silence.  We can only truly listen in the stillness.  This requires getting alone yet looks nothing like loneliness.  Quiet passages of solitude invite the most valuable connection possible: you and you.  This is when we learn to belong to us.

My fear of loneliness was really about shame.

What I notice in seasons of loneliness, and yes, they still exist, is that I’m really grappling with the shame of inadequacy.  I’m afraid I’ll be rejected or misunderstood or simply won’t have what it takes.  This fear always leads me down the path of trying to fit in or people-please.  I’ve had to call BS on so many of my attempts at being liked instead of being true.  

This is when loneliness tells us we’re on the right path.  I was reminded of that this past Thursday night when I went to hear Brené Brown speak.  Once I got past being totally star struck, I settled into the gravity of what she shared.  

Her research has proven that to truly belong we must often stand alone and risk being highly vulnerable.  Courage and comfort are not synonymous.  

To belong, we must be willing to talk about (and in doing so, reveal) those areas that we are most shameful of.

This process feels incredibly lonely.  Yet, it’s far better to take this risk and own your truth than to fake it on the surface and disconnect from self.  That’s an exhausting detour.

Being truly alive means getting dirty in the arena, not sitting all zipped up in the nosebleeds.

Does the shame of your loneliness (whether that looks like singleness, creative frustration, personal rejection, transition or grief) keep you hustling to keep it together or fit in?  

I can assure you; you are not alone.  

This may be a season to slow down, exhale, and listen to what it’s trying to say.  It tells me I’m alive and on the right track more times than not.  It tells me to lean into the resistance because pain typically signals opportunity.  It tells me I belong, if to no one else, to myself. The most creative and courageous giants stood alone more times than not.  Oh, they got dirty alright.  

Yes, I see you.  Yes, I hear you.  Only the lonely days taught me to reach out and risk the comfort of what’s known for the beautiful mess of what’s to come.

Love & Gratitude,
Katie

Step into the Spotlight: How to Land the Role of a Lifetime

If there is one thing I’m well acquainted with, it’s this search for significance—a spotlight of sorts.  How can I show up authentically, adding value and beauty to the world around me?  How do I get there?  Well, as it were, I’m dreadfully stubborn, traipsing around for years down camouflaged detours of tangled roads leading to what I thought were final destinations.  

Interestingly, I’ve learned far more from my detours than my successes. 

Can you relate?

As a result, I’m still building out that journey, and plan to for the long haul.  Here’s the thing though, oftentimes we exhaust this search and desperately cling to false forms of stardom, significance, what have you. We try to shine in someone else’s spotlight, fit into their box, and therefore abandon the unique capacities and creativity dormant within.

Remember the movie The Holiday? I realize it’s a bit late for Christmas amusement; however, there is a scene in this movie that is worth noting all year long. 

Here’s the set up: Iris, played by Kate Winslet, is having dinner with Arthur Abbott, an older gentleman who’s a successful, retired Hollywood film director. They meet by chance while she’s in LA on holiday over Christmas in hopes of escaping the pain of a recent heartache back home in England. After Arthur expresses total perplexity as to why the gorgeous Brit is spending her holiday alone in a different country, he digs deeper. She eventually breaks down in tears as Arthur gently sizes up the situation with his spot-on insight. 

Arthur observes:
“This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies, and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you are behaving like the best friend.”

It was one of those “aha” moments for Iris, and for me the first time I watched it. After a sip of beer and a sigh of relief, she jokes about her incompetent therapist of three years withholding this core insight from her. 

In order to recuse myself from any such accusation (and because I wish my therapist would’ve asked me the same thing ten plus years ago), I’ll ask you a similar question today:

Are you starring as the lead in your own life? Or are you the best friend, constantly apologizing for your actions and taking cues from everyone else around you?

When we attempt to re-invent our wheel and jump on someone else’s bandwagon, we detach from ourselves, ignoring what’s burning beneath the surface.  Slowing down to grapple with this stuff isn't necessarily easy either.

In fact, for years I battled hard-core anxiety and self-doubt, feeling obligated to pursue music as a career.  With a natural bend towards it, loads of encouragement from outside sources, and unique opportunities in front of me, I traveled down that path for several years.  Sure, I loved the idea, and it felt really satisfying to walk down that brightly lit and hopeful path, but it fell short–something was missing.  

Music is a passion, but it was never enough for me to pursue solely.  When I woke up to the fact that I’m more than enough without a spotlight on a music stage, it strangely permitted me to enjoy it even more.  Funny how that works. 

It also allowed me to see boundless opportunity in those things that felt truly meaningful, exciting, and a more authentic fit for me career-wise.

Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you must pursue it.  You get to choose.

In light of all this, I’ve got a little assignment for you.  At the very least it’s food for thought or good dinner conversation... or both.

• Become laser aware of the things you effortlessly enjoy doing. What are the problems you get lost in solving?  This can look like drafting an email, planning a party, listening to a friend share a difficult experience, telling a story, picking out paint colors, practicing piano, writing a thank-you note, and so on.  Nothing is too small or insignificant.  What do you love about doing it?  How does it make you feel?

• What compliments do you receive often? Don’t be shy. (e.g., You’re great with people, you make a memorable first impression, you’re a gifted flower arranger, you’re hilarious.)

•  Finally, ask a trusted friend this question:
When do you observe me at my most engaged, alive, and contented self? What am I doing and what do you notice about me?

• Write it all down.  

We simply don’t realize how we lead in certain areas.  We assume “everyone does this as well!” 
It takes loving mirrors such as trusted friends, colleagues, coaches, and family members to reflect back on what they see.  I’ll never forget my 8th-grade cheerleading coach (laugh it up) giving me invaluable insight into what she saw in me back then.  One day she took me aside in her thoughtful and present way and told me I was a natural encourager and observer.  As an insecure, awkward 12-year-old in need of validation, I tucked her words away like a tiny family heirloom in my coat pocket.  I’ve treasured and trusted them ever since.  So many years later, much of my work is built around those two attributes. This stuff works.

Let’s cast you in the lead role of your life. It’s not selfish, or petty, or a waste of time. Quite the contrary! The minute you step into your unique calling or “spotlight,” a sense of relief wells up. An internal security and calm pervades, and you can stop hustling to compete, compare, and look for outward solutions to internal capacities that have been there all along. We love and live more fully from this place of knowing.  

So, you’ve landed the lead role… It gets really fun when we start writing the script. 

Love & Gratitude,
Katie
xoxo

Humble Up: 3 Surprising Reminders about Humility

When I flash the word “humility” in your face, what do you conjure up in that glorious mind of yours?  

Don’t overthink it, just go there.  What’s the picture that pops up?

Is it Mother Teresa in the slums of India?  Is it that sweet, self-deprecating friend who constantly defers to your clever ideas?  Is it your mother?  Is it the classic portrayal of Jesus?  

What do you see?  

My hunch is, your first thought is NOT power or confidence.  I could be wrong, but if you’re anything like me, here is where you’ve typically gone with this seemingly soft virtue called humility.   

I used to immediately envision a lowly, bowing posture; someone trying to be small or unnoticed.  If confidence and pride are the backbone of this body of virtue, then humility is surely the squishy, fleshy, underbelly that isn’t often seen. It’s always covered up.  

I was lucky enough to tag along with my husband to the Grammys in New York City.  It was a week-long, epic celebration of music, er, really the characters that bring the music to life.  As a passionate observer of people and a lover of music, it really is a feast of a week for me.  I got to peer into the glamorous, albeit tinted, windows of these talented and tenacious people doing what they do best— perform.

The ones I’m naturally drawn to, or fascinated by, are the ones who incidentally don’t draw much attention to themselves.  They are the ones who, in my slim estimation, long to make the music about something bigger than themselves and work tirelessly to do so with excellence.  

Yet, they are far from doormats.  They have had to believe in themselves and their talent so deeply, even when there was no outside evidence to back them up.  Their persistence to believe the truth about who they are and the value they offer the world informed every thought, feeling, and action, despite a slippery temptation to hide out in self-doubt.  

Alicia Keys comes to mind, as does Chris Stapleton and Kevin Moore (Keb Mo).  I know there are more, these are just a few I’ve observed over time, especially this last week.

In fact, celebrities aside, I believe the most effective leaders are truly humble.  Why?  Because effective leaders are secure enough in their identity to shut up and listen well to others.  They don’t feel the need to constantly tighten the reigns of control.

Here are a couple of simple definitions I love about this thing called Humility:

C.S. Lewis says, 

“True humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”

Another C.S., that is, Charles Spurgeon, simply puts it, 

“Humility is to make a right estimate of oneself.”

I hear far less shrinking and loads more honesty in these definitions. I hear truth—security.

What if humility is the fundamental building block of greatness?  What if we could count on its staying power in a way that would allow for more of what we truly desire for ourselves and our loved ones?  What if embracing humility could connect you back to your truest, most loving self so that you could love others more fully, more deeply?

As you chew on this idea of humility, take these three reminders with you:

• Humility is NOT playing small.  

This may be the biggest misconception we have in terms of humility.  In fact, we confuse the idea of “false humility” with actual humility.  You know the stuff.  It shows up in self-deprecating comments, constantly deferring to others because “They’re so much smarter or better than me” or “Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just fine staying back.  You deserve to go have fun.” 

If humility is being exactly who we were made to be then false humility is downplaying, or degrading the value of who we are.  In that sense, false humility is really just the same as pride, but all dressed up in her Sunday best.  Both are forms of self-absorption and indulgence.   

• Humility affects great change.

Humble people aren’t dependent on bravado.  They don’t need the hype, the show, and the ego.  Perhaps they did at some point, yet part of our growth curve involves being knocked on our ass at some point.  We like to call these “humbling moments.”  When we lean into these moments, muscles build, perspectives shift, and an interior wisdom sets in that makes us more malleable and effective than we were before (if we allow).

True greatness emerges when that mask of ego comes off, and we begin using our unique voice and gifts to meet the world's aching need.  It happens when we finally get out of our own way.

I love St. Catherine of Siena’s charge, 

“Be who you were meant to be and you will set the world on fire.” 

• Humility takes courage.

It takes loads of courage to show up, use your voice, share your truth, and say “yes” to your calling, however big or small it feels to you.  It is far easier to play small and sit on the sidelines as a spectator.  We get so used to wearing the mask of personality in order to keep us safe and fit in, yet when we rely on it too heavily, we mix up our true identity, our essence, with parts of our personality that are overgrown, or false.

You were born as a pure, loving, curious being.  The world taught you fear, and for all intents and purposes, that fear kept you safe.  However, today, you don’t need it in the same way anymore. Let’s move deeper into the current of courage.  Let’s get knocked around a bit.  I can’t promise you it's sterile and certain, yet I’m convinced it’s the path of true calling—identity.  The humble path is truly a radical one.  So, let’s make some waves, my Dear.

Love & Gratitude,

Katie

xoxo