There’s a constant tug-of-war happening inside each of us, and it plays out every single day. On one side, there’s your best self—that idealized, striving, ever performing part of you that means well, but tends to be exhausting what with all that hustle and sparkle.  Sure, she knows what you’re capable of, but she tends to nag a little too loudly.  She sees failure as fatal and rest, well, a waste. I spent many years chasing her and never seemed to catch up.  

So I started nurturing my favorite self—the one who accepts herself as is, flaws and all, with the same kindness and care she would a dear friend.  She doesn’t take herself so seriously and knows that her worth and value are nonnegotiable.  She isn’t afraid to say “no,” even if it means disappointing someone important.  She stopped abandoning herself to please others and this frees up so much time and energy to create meaning and beauty in life and give generously from a place of honesty. 

Both of these selves have a seat at the table, but if you’re anything like me, you’ve realized that keeping them in balance can feel like herding cats.

Your best self is the part of you that craves control. It’s the one that is in direct conflict with Grace.  It constantly throws around words like “should” and “ought.” She lives in a world of black and white, crippled by all-or-nothing thinking.

This self isn’t inherently bad. In fact, it’s often quite charming and effective. It knows how to keep you on task, largely disconnected from your heart and body. But here’s the catch: your best self is praised and admired by much of the world around you. Its job is to keep you safe in the small story of you. 

Your favorite self, if you get real honest, plays the long game. This is the part of you that envisions your inherent worthiness and calls you home to the gentle whispers of Grace. It’s not always the loudest voice, but if you can turn down the noise of unrealistic expectations and obligations, she invites you home to the truth of who you are.  She’s playful and sometimes quite funny.  She knows the voice of her needs and desires and asks for help freely.  She falls down but gets back up.  Resilience is her superpower.  

Your favorite self knows that slow growth builds the strongest outcomes.  She is fully aware that self and others compassion is equal parts love and limits and that setting boundaries feels scary, but it’s the only way to create authentic relationships. She sees the big picture and invites you to step into it—even when it feels impossible.

Living in the Tension

Here’s the thing: your best self and your favorite self are both part of you. The goal isn’t to silence one or glorify the other—it’s to learn how to discern when each one needs to take the lead.

For me, this discernment often starts with curiosity. When I find myself leaning into my best self, I pause and ask, What am I afraid of? What do I need God to do for me that I can’t do for myself? What would my favorite self do in this moment? Sometimes the answer is a hard truth, like putting in the work instead of binge watching Shrinking.  ;) Other times, it’s permission to rest and recharge.

It’s not about perfection—it’s about practice.

Practical Ways to Tap into Your Best Self

1. Create Space for Reflection: Your best self thrives in the quiet. Set aside time each day to journal, meditate, or simply sit with your thoughts.

2. Check in with Your Values: When you’re making a decision, ask yourself, Does this align with the person I want to be?

3. Start Small: Growth doesn’t happen overnight. Commit to small, consistent actions that move you toward your goals.

4. Show Yourself Grace: You won’t get it right every time, and that’s okay. Treat yourself with compassion and keep moving forward.

The truth is, the tension between your best self and your favorite self is where the magic happens. It’s where you learn, grow, and discover what you’re truly capable of. So, the next time you’re tempted to settle into the seductive lull of your best self, take a moment. Listen to that quiet nudge from your favorite self, and ask, What would happen if I chose faith over fear today?

P.S. If you’re looking for support along the way, join my enneagram-based self-care program called the Practice.