Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, so I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite ways the enneagram has supported my marriage.

Thankfully, I’d known about the Enneagram long before I got married, however, as I’ve devoted myself to it as a student and practitioner, I’ve been able to really put it to good use within the context of relationship.  

My ever-patient husband, Daniel, was quickly introduced to the Enneagram on…let’s say…date two.  So out of the gate, I’m sure he was one part amused and two parts annoyed that someone was trying to figure him out to this degree.  

Initially, I thought he was a type 1, the Perfectionist, due to his keen attention to detail, how highly people spoke of his character and integrity, his desire to constantly improve things around him, and….you guessed it… his heartfelt “suggestions” for my dishwasher loading non-skills. Apparently, there was a glaring right way to do it and I was not hip to it.  

Ahhh, but then several months later, while reading Beatrice Chestnut’s 9 Styles of Enneagram Leadership aloud to him on an overcast Sunday afternoon (I know…so romantic), he resonated strongly with the social subtype within type nine.  Not totally convinced, I went along with it.  

As a flaming type four, I was just tickled pink he humored my deep Enneagram enthusiasm.  I felt seen.  

A few years later, (yes, sometimes it takes that long to figure it out folks), he tagged along with me to an Enneagram workshop for therapists I was teaching in D.C.  After a morning of total immersion, we were heading to a celebratory lunch.  

In his understated way, he dropped a bomb on me. “So, I’m pretty sure I’m a 5 (the Observer), not a 9.”

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

After a stunning aha moment and some long and slow breaths, it started to make sense.  “How could I have missed this?” I muttered.  I had to sit with this new insight for weeks, but eventually it all checked out.  While I don’t have time and space to unpack it all here (book coming soon!), suffice it to say, so many holes in the story of our relationship got filled in with understanding and compassion where there had been confusion and often hurt.  

It helped me heal my type four insecurities I’d carried into the relationship that initially became worse due to his lack of verbal affirmation.  I wanted a gusher. I got a strong, silent type.  I never doubted his love for me, but my percieved feeling of his witholding was actually him preserving time, energy and emotion in step with his type 5 tendency.  

Now it made sense he knew all the things about all the things!!! Why he loved spending time (alone) reading instruction manuals—pouring over books about succulents, the Battle of Nashville, recording gear, obscure facts about the Beatles, and the best value around on a stroller.  His favorite show is How It’s Made for Pete’s sake!

Beyond all those character traits, what really struck me was the story of type 5’s—his why—that explained so much. 

So, here are three ways it really helped us:

1. The Enneagram revealed the obvious nature of how differently we saw the world.  I’m a 4 and Daniel is a 5. This hit home that our respective ways of seeing and moving through the world were not necessarily normal—but different.  A slow meditation in humility if you ask me.  

2. To draw on attachment styles in relationship, we learned we both had avoidant styles of conflict as 4’s, 5’s, & 9’s are all withdrawing types. So, when the stresses of marriage mounted, we withdrew instead of assertively addressing the issue at hand.  This could become a pressure cooker for resentment if we weren’t aware what was happening. 

3. Part of “doing the work” of marriage requires committing to the study of their Enneagram type in order to fully understand how and why they think, feel, and act in the world, as well as how they show up in relationships.  I am now extra super well-versed in all things type 5. :)
   
   BONUS: Don’t forget…

4. It’s crucial to understand the suffering of each other’s type.  This identifies the early wounds the defensive structure of their personality was built around in order to survive.  It also provides information around what triggers stress and insecurity in each other.  

If you’re interested in using the Enneagram as a tool in therapy with your spouse or partner, I’d love to support you.  It’s not a magic pill, but it is a game-changing blueprint with which to build loving relationship with.